Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss                Written by Bill Oakley & Josh
  Song                                                              Weinstein  
                                                       Directed by Bob Anderson
===============================================================================
Production code: 1F18                       Original airdate in N.A.: 27-Apr-94
                                                  Capsule revision F, 21-Jul-96
===============================================================================
> Title sequence
===============================================================================
Blackboard :- I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
              I will not celebrate meaningless mi/ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- None due to shortened intro.

Couch      :- The family run in and sit on the couch, which is missing
              its middle cushion.  When the FOX logo appears in the
              corner of the screen, Homer jumps up, rips it off, and
              stomps on it angrily.

===============================================================================
> Did you notice...
===============================================================================
    ... Skinner sweating as he talked on the phone?
    ... Ned's parents were beatniks living in Greenwich Village, New
        York?

Dave Hall:
    ... the tiny feet on young Homer's T-Shirt?  (cf. 9F14)
    ... Marge wears a red strapped dress in the film?
    ... Homer's cake only has six candles?  (Is that for dog or Homer
        years?  :>)
    ... Homer doesn't follow the tradition of first blowing out the
        candles and then opening his gifts?
    ... Homer only receives one gift?
    ... Homer actually tried to put his beard out with his hands?
    ... Abe isn't wearing slippers in the film?
    ... compared to the other kids, Bart's geode is puny?
    ... even without eyes, Bart's "pet box" knew when and where to
        follow him?
    ... Martin isn't impressed with SLH?
    ... SLH's exposed eyelid when Nelson petted him?
    ... the sadness in every kid's face but Martin's when Bart took SLH
        away?
    ... the glee on Lunch lady Doris's face as she inhales the flavor of
        her "horse" soup?  And that her apron isn't even soiled?
    ... Willy doesn't want anyone in the way when he lands on the
        ground?
    ... Willy's butt imprint on the superintendent?
    ... Ned's several diplomas hanging on the walls of the Principal's
        office?
    ... it sounds like Skinner only owns one pair of underwear?
    ... Bart shoving peanut butter cups into his mouth, wrappers and
        all?
    ... how far the crab flies?  (cf. 7G09)
    ... the picture behind Skinner and Bart at in the restaurant?
    ... Wendell chasing after someone's underwear?
    ... the mouse hole in Ned's flashback?
    ... the thick-glasses-wearing armed guard at Fort Springfield
        doesn't stop Bart?
    ... Homer only appears at breakfast and in Bart's bedroom?
    ... who filmed those OFF private moments?

Tony Hill:
    ... nobody notices the box walked?  (Perhaps the class was
        desensitized from its visit to the box factory.)
    ... the frequent appearance of clocks in this episode?
    ... the school heating system uses technology similar to that for
        tracking objects at Mount Splashmore?
    ... Willie leaves a greasemark on the Superintendent?
    ... the sun sets on a line with the shoreline?  How can this be if
        Springfield is near the Atlantic?
    ... Skinner calls his CO "Colonel," yet officers only address their
        subordinates by rank?

Vaughn Jett:
    ... the clock in the background advances 10 minutes during Little
        Bart's five-second potty scene?
    ... the drink flavors behind the counter in the Kwik-E-Mart are
        "RED" and "GREEN"?
    ... the "plan" Bart comes up with to get Flanders fired doesn't
        actually involve any action on Bart's or Homer's part?
    ... the flag in Skinner's bedroom has 27 stars?

Matthew Kurth:
    ... the calendar is on April in Bart's class?
    ... OFF's doormat has fake plastic flowers on it?

Don Del Grande:
    ... Maggie smiles when she stamps the floor; the others are angry?
    ... both Mrs. Krabappel and Miss Hoover smoke?
    ... there appears to be a folded flag on his dresser (the kind of
        folded flag the family gets after a military funeral)?
    ... in the "free-for-all" at the school, Janey is running in Mrs.
        Krabappel's classroom, but she's in Miss Hoover's class?
    ... Ned's mother's name is Mona?

Adam Mottershead:
    ... the MP at the gate is looking _right at_ Bart, letting him
        through, despite the "secret project" at the base?

===============================================================================
> Voice credits
===============================================================================
- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Willy, Homer)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Ralph)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (Wiggum, Chalmers, Leopold, Apu, Luigi, colonel,
      Recruit 2)
    - Harry Shearer (Skinner, Flanders, Recruit 1, Ned's Dad)
- Special Guest Voice
    - Marcia Wallace (Mrs. Krabappel)
- Also Starring
    - Doris Grau (lunch lady Doris)
    - Pamela Hayden (Milhouse, Kearney, Jimbo)
    - Tress Macneille (Skinner's mother)
    - Maggie Roswell (Miss Hoover)
    - Russi Taylor (Martin, Sherri)
    - Frank Welker (Santa's Little Helper)

===============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
===============================================================================

  + 1971 film "Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song" {et}
    - episode title
  + "The Wonder Years"
    - watching the home movie, and the music
  + "Alien" {aw}
    - When Skinner sees the display with the two glowing dots, one
      stationary and the other approaching the first.  Also, when
      Greased Willy turned around and was confronted by SLH (like Dallas
      in the film).
  + "Aliens" {aw}
    - When Skinner stood on the furniture and lifted up the grate plate
      in order to stick his head inside the tunnel.  One of the Marines
      in Aliens did that very thing.
  + "Alien^3" {aw}
    - The occasional glimpse of SLH as it zipped by the end of a tunnel
      looked very much like the "golden alien" from the film.
  + "Lady and the Tramp" {mk}
    - scene in restaurant
  + Kubrick's "Full Metal Jacket"
    - Skinner's attire, and shots of him running with his troops

===============================================================================
> Previous episode references
===============================================================================
- [7F14] SLH chews a newspaper & eats a cookie {dh}
- [8F16] Lunch lady Doris' odd choice of meat {dh}
- [9F18] Superintendent Chalmers returns
- [9F21] Skinner says "One question remains"
- [1F16] Bart, "He thinks he's people!"  (cf. Mrs. Krabappel, "It thinks
  it's people!")

===============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
===============================================================================
- Number of stamps on the Fox logo: 3 from Homer, 3 from Marge, 2 from
  Bart, ~3 from Lisa, 2 from Maggie.  {dh}
- Homer circles the room five times when his beard was on fire.  {dh}
- Things on Lisa's desk: {mk}
    - trilobyte
    - petrified wood
    - bran muffin
    - geode
- Time on clock when Bart showed SLH: 10:22.  {dh}
- "Assorted Horse Parts - NOW with More Testicles" {mk}
- Seymour's detergents: {mk}
    - Tide
    - Cheer
    - Bold
    - Biz
    - Fab
    - All
    - Gain
    - Wisk
- Skinner's apron: "Principals do it 9 months a year" {mk}
- Some classroom antics: {dh}
    - Richard and some other kid swing from the ceiling lights.
    - Wendell on top of an over turned desk, tossing paper airplanes
      about.
    - Nelson ripping up school books.
    - Sherri and Terri writing on the blackboard.
    - Janey running out of Bart's classroom.
    - Someone placed Martin in a cage and hung him from the ceiling.
    - Shirtless Milhouse rubbing ketchup on himself.
- Sign at Ft.  Springfield: "Fort Springfield, Proud Home Of Secret
  Civilian Mail-Opening Project".  {mk}

===============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
===============================================================================
The logo is one frame behind Homer's arm movements (for example, when
Homer throws the logo down, it remains suspended in mid-air for one
frame).  {ddg}

When Maggie goes back to the couch, she goes through Homer's right leg.
{ddg}

The water spray doesn't actually get Homer wet.  (It's only afterwards
we briefly see water streaming down his head.)  {dh}

Young Homer's car seems to roll out of the driveway, yet the water
stream from the hose seems to follow a different course.  {dh}

Bart is playing the old home movies on their _green_ refrigerator, in a
*lighted* kitchen.  The image should have a high green tint, and should
be very faint in that kind of light.  {mk}

The projector cord appears to stop short of dangling over the edge of
the kitchen table.  {dh}

When Homer's birthday book falls, it should be upside down.  {dh}

It would be a little hard for Bart to see the film with his back to the
fridge.  (This is corrected in the next scene, though.)  {dh}

How could Homer afford a Super-8 *sound* movie camera?  (Matthew Kurth
{mk})

Marge pulls her potato out of thin air.  (Or did she pull it out of her
hair? cf. 7G08) {dh}

Lisa gets her books for school, yet she doesn't carry them onto the
school bus.  {dh}

Bart's geode switches hands when he arrives on the bus.  {dh}

Kids switch places on the school bus.  Also note Nelson and one of the
purple-haired twins vanish.  {dh}

Bart's geode disappears.  {dh}

The ruler on the blackboard ledge changes size.  {dh}

The number of Martin's cookies changes.  {dh}

Martin's cookies don't appear on Ms.  Krabappel until needed.  {dh}

Once again, Martin's pens are missing from his pocket in some scenes.
{dh}

Aren't geodes metamorphic, not of volcanic origin as Martin (IQ 216)
described?  {th}

Mrs. Hoover's classroom clock depicts ~9:21, yet Bart presents SLH to
his classroom at 10:22.  {dh}

Skinner's microphone doesn't seem to have an on/off button.  {dh}

Skinner's soiled look disappears in several scenes.  {dh}

Overhead air ducts disappears in some scenes.  {dh}

The windows depict the gymnasium to be a self-contained building, so
there shouldn't be any air ducts overhead.  {dh}

The exit doors shouldn't open in; in fact we could see the crash bars
the whole time.  {th}

It seems the store policy sign and "Cash" place mat are missing from the
Kwik-E-Mart.  {dh}

Just what is Leopold's job?  {ddg}

The tape reels were both full, reprising an error from "Bart Gets An
Elephant."  {th}

Bart pulls his drink glass out of thin air.  {dh}

The windows of the Springfield Laundromat change size.  {dh}

Bart doesn't actually walk into the Laundromat.  {dh}

The street drain disappears from front of the Laundromat.  {dh}

In 8F03, Skinner lives by himself.  {dh}

Skinner's hair looks much darker at night.  {ddg}

In the picture from Vietnam, Skinner's uniform doesn't have any rank
insignia, which should rate him as an E-1 (the lowest level of private,
although back in 1969, an E-2 had no insignia either -- note a Private
First Class, or "PFC", is an E-3); his current rank is E-7 (Sergeant
First Class -- "three up, two down", although there shouldn't be a
circle in the middle).  {ddg}

===============================================================================
> Reviews
===============================================================================
Tony Fafoglia: All in all an enjoyable episode not a great one.  B+.
    Could it be a self referential tribute to their 1st season perhaps!

Dan Saltzstein: Well, the new one was hilarious.  I remember watching
    the old one when it was on originally.  Let's not beat around the
    bush.  It sucked.  The new more satirical edge the show was
    developed is much more clever.  It was fun to watch, but not funny
    at all.  Did any else watch it in a room full of people?  No laughs
    at all.

Tony Hill: This episode had a lively, lilting plot with plenty of funny
    scenes.  Skinner and Bart together was a delightful story twist.
    The Italian restaurant scenes added a touch of whimsy.  SSSBAS is
    good enough for a B.

Matthew Kurth: I expected the 100th Episode to be a celebration.
    Instead, we had a funeral.  The script had no meaning, no depth, no
    punch, and no respect for good taste.  Bart and Seymour becoming
    fast friends was totally unbelievable.  What wasn't cringeworthy in
    this one was merely mediocre.  Pathetic and worthless.  Only Santa's
    Little Helper and Willie as the "greased Scotsman" saved it. 4/10.

Tom Parker: My 7 year old sat up half way through and said: "Dad, it's
    just not funny tonight."  Better fire the new writers and hire the
    old ones back, the Simpsons are in _real_ trouble and living on past
    glories.  Pains me to write it.

Don Del Grande: C...It started out as if it was shooting for "best
    episode of the season" (certainly the couch opening rates among the
    best), but after Skinner got fired, it just died.  The detergent bit
    in the laundromat had all the makings of a rake scene with different
    colored rakes.  And the ending was just "let's get Flanders out and
    Skinner in - Flanders is out - Skinner is in - roll the credits".

Ron Carter: [D+] All the 100th episode hype and this is what we get?  A
    hackneyed setup that leads to a warm and fuzzy "moral" ending?  Only
    redemption came from Willie, great as always; on the downside,
    everything else.

Yours Truly: Sort of fun, to be sure.  Nice blackboard _and_ couch gag
    (more evidence that "they _do_ read this group").  I thought
    Skinner's character was developed well here -- a big plus, almost
    hearkening back to Bart's development in "Bart Gets an F".  Ned as
    principal, though?  I give it a C.

===============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
===============================================================================
>> The Springfield Elementary gymnasium

Matthew Kurth says, "The gym in Springfield Elementary is woefully
    outdated -- the scoreboard doesn't have a clock, there are no three-
    point lines on the floor, and the overhead lights are reminiscent of
    lights installed in 1950s gyms."

>> Joey Heatherton and Sebastian Cabot

Tony Hill writes, "Joey Heatherton was an actor/singer, the daughter of
    comedian/ ventriloquist Ray Heatherton.  Later, she became a
    frequent guest on game shows.  Sebastian Cabot was a bearded British
    actor, although the explorer of the same name may have had a beard
    as well."

===============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary
===============================================================================
% [Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
% Ricardo Lafaurie and Frederic Briere.]
%
% The scene opens a la "Wonder Years" with "With a Little Help from My
% Friends" being covered in the background.  A young Homer washes his
% muscle car with his fairly new girlfriend Marge.  He grins at the
% camera as Marge turns the hose on him, dousing him.  Homer has
% neglected to put the parking brake on in his car, it would seem: it
% rolls off the driveway and onto the street.
%
% In the next shot, it is Homer's birthday.  As Abe and Marge watch,
% bearded Homer opens Marge's present -- a book about beards.
% Delighted, he shows it to the camera, then leans forward to blow out
% the candles on his cake.  But his beard catches fire, and he runs back
% and forth in a panic while Marge worries and Abe laughs.

            [Bart watches a home movie of Homer's birthday]
      Bart: [laughs] They're going to eat this up at Show and Tell.
     Marge: I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea of your
            classmates laughing at our family's private moments.  How
            would you like it if, twenty years from now, people were
            laughing at things _you_ did?
      Bart: Not likely.  Come on, have a sense of humor about yourself!
             [the movie turns to baby Bart, naked, sitting on the
            toilet]
Young Bart: I'm a big boy today.
-- Maybe Mom _was_ right, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% Lisa laughs, and Bart sees reason.  He looks around for something else
% to take to school, and Marge suggests a largish potato.  "Mom, you're
% always trying to give me potatoes.  What is it with you?"  Marge
% explains, "I just think they're neat."  Bart runs up to Lisa's room.

Bart: I need something for Show and Tell.
Lisa: Just take one of my geodes.
       [Bart stares blankly]
      The rocks on my desk.
       [Bart goes over, picks up something]
      No, that's a trilobyte.
       [Bart picks up something else]
      That's petrified wood.
       [Bart picks up something else]
      Bart, that's a bran muffin!
-- No petrified birds, however, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss
    Song"

% Otto honks the bus horn outside, and Bart and Lisa walk out to it.  As
% Bart steps on the bus with his geode in hand, he notices everyone else
% has brought geodes, including Martin, who says, "Greetings, fellow
% geodologist!"  Bart groans, steps off the bus, and looks around for
% something else to take.  His eye falls on Santa's Little Helper; he
% tears the dog away from chewing up the morning paper.
%
% In class, {it is Nelson's turn at Show and Tell.}

  Nelson: {The ingredients were: fresh pureed tomatoes, water, salt, and
          sodium benzoate used to retard spoilage.  Once again, if I'm
          not mistaken, this can contained tomato paste.}
    Edna: {Thank you, Nelson.  I look forward to seeing it again next
          week.}  Bart, you're up.
           [Bart walks up as a cardboard box follows him]
    Bart: Boys and girls, Mrs. Krabappel, I come before you today to
          solve a riddle that has plagued mankind for centuries: What
          has four legs and ticks?
Milhouse: A walking clock?
  Nelson: A walking clock!
  Martin: I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box!
    Edna: Bart, is it a walking clock?
    Bart: [mystified] What?  No, it's my dog.
-- That was my next guess, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% Everyone gasps with delight.

    Edna: [looking at SLH] Oh, he is a gem!  Here boy.  [kisses] Would
          you like these cookies Martin made for me?
  Martin: My raisin roundies!
    Bart: My dog's name is Santa's Little Helper.  One time he crawled
          under the house and when he came out he was covered with ants.
          Then he ran into a church and drank all the holy water.
Everyone: Wow!
-- Amazing but true, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% Mrs. Krabappel thanks Bart: "Great job!"  Everyone cheers as he walks
% off.  "I knew the dog before he came to class," brags Milhouse.
%
% Martin walks up, places his geode on the floor, and narrates
% histrionically.

  Martin: Kaboom!  That, the sound of the thunderous volcanic explosion
          that gives birth to the magnificent geode, one of nature's
          most --
  Nelson: You're doing it wrong.  You gotta pet him hard so he can feel
          it.
           [he demonstrates; SLH sneezes]
  Sherri: Look, look, look!  The doggie sneezed.
    Edna: Hah!  It thinks it's people.
   Willy: [on the other side of the door] Hey, poochie!  Here, poochie,
          poochie, poochie!
  Martin: Ahem.  My geode must be acknowledged!
    Edna: [angrily] Oh, brother.  All right, back to Show and Tell!
          Bart, why don't you put the doggie away.
Everyone: Aw.
-- Short attention spans, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% Bart leads SLH to a closet and shuts the door on him.
%
% Later, SLH awakes to smell something good coming from the vent.  Lunch
% lady Doris' soup that day is particularly redolent, no doubt due to
% extra helping of horse testicles she's added to it.  "More testicles
% mean more iron!" she exclaims.  SLH can't resist, and he paws the vent
% open and crawls inside.  He crawls past the grade two room.

 Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover?  There's a dog in the vent.
Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
 Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.
-- The boy who cried "dog", "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% Principal Skinner is on the phone in his office to the superintendent.

Skinner: [on the phone] I know Weinstein's parents were upset, uh,
         superintendent, but, but -- but I was _sure_ it was a phony
         excuse.  I mean, it sounds so made up: "yom kip pur".  [laughs
         sheepishly]
  Willy: [bursting in] Sir, you've got to come quick!  There's a dog
         running around in the air ducts.
Skinner: I understand.  [over PA] Children, this is Principal Skinner.
         Remain calm.  There is a dog in the vents.
          [In Bart's class, everyone cheers and gallavants]
-- That's not what he asked you to do, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's
    Baadasssss Song"

% Willy pushes Skinner's desk over to the corner of the room for Skinner
% to stand on.  He removes the vent cover and sticks his head into the
% vent.  SLH licks his face happily and wanders off.

Skinner: Willy, go into the vent and get him.
  Willy: What?  Have you gone waxy in your peaster?  I cannot fit in
         tha' wee vent, you croquet-playing mint muncher.
Skinner: Grease yourself up and go in, you...you guff-speaking work-
         slacker.
  Willy: Ooh, good comeback.
-- Indeed, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% Willy approaches lunch lady Doris and asks her if they have any
% grease.  When she replies in the affirmative, he strips his shirt off
% and asks to be greased up.
%
% It really is a tight squeeze for him in the ventilation system.  He
% sees a flash of brown cross the T junction at the end of the shaft in
% front of him; behind him, at the other end, he sees another flash of
% brown shortly after.  Skinner monitors Willy's and SLH's flashing dot
% on a radar screen.  "Good Lord, it's coming up right behind him!"
%
% Although SLH has no malevolent intentions.  He simply licks Willy's
% foot repeatedly, but Willy is ticklish and begin laughing
% hysterically.  Several children are standing just under where he
% laughs, and they toss books and other things at the vent, denting the
% metal.  Willy implores them to stop.
%
% Skinner rushes out and orders everyone back to their room.  "Uh oh.
% Whenever I get this upset, I get hiccups!  (hic) Oh, right on cue..."
% he moans, and everyone points and laughs.
%
% Willy, meanwhile, has managed to orient himself so that he faces SLH,
% who runs away from him.  But the wily Scotsman manages to catch up and
% snag the stray mutt.

Willy: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.
       Now, out we go --
        [pushes vent cover out; the cover hits the gymnasium floor far
       below.  The vent begins to pull from the roof]
       Urg...'tis more dizzying than the belfry at St. Caliga
       Glenwalgens.
-- Willy catches Santa's Little Helper, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's
    Baadasssss Song"

% The fire department is called in to try to rescue the trapped pair.
% Chief Wiggum arrives, greeting the basketball-playing Eddie and Lou
% with, "That's nice work, boys."  Mrs. Krabappel sees superintendent
% Chalmers arriving and takes great glee in pointing this out to the
% still hiccuping Skinner.

 Chalmers: [voice rising] Skinner...!
  Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers!  You didn't have to come all the way
           down here.  Everything's under control.
            [fireman falls off ladder, which smashes the gym window]
Chalemers: Oh, I have had it, I have _had_ it with this school, Skinner!
           The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children
           --
  Skinner: Oh, now I really think the children's appearance --
 Chalmers: Seymour, you are in very, _very_ big trouble.
            [SLH falls into his arms]
           Why, looking into this lovable mutt's eyes just melts my
           heart.  Seymour, all is forgiven.
    Willy: [yells] Make way for Willy!  [lands on Chalmers] I said "Make
           way for Willy," you bloated gasbag.
 Chalmers: Seymour...
  Skinner: Hmm?
 Chalmers: You're fired!
            [Bart gasps]
  Skinner: I'm sorry, did...did you just call me a liar?
 Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.
  Skinner: Oh.  That's much worse.
-- In some ways, yes, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% [End of Act One.  Time: 7:40]
%
% Next morning at breakfast, everyone but Bart eats their food noisily.

Bart: I thought I'd be jumping for joy the day Skinner got fired.  Now
      all I have is this weird hot feeling in the back of my head.
Lisa: That's guilt.  You feel guilty because your stunt wound up costing
      a man his job.
Bart: I guess it is guilt.
       [scratches his head; a small spider bites him repeatedly there]
-- The poisonous fangs of guilt, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss
    Song"

Homer: {Whoa, whoa, whoa -- let me get this straight.  They let
       everybody out of school early just because _you_ brought a dog?}
 Bart: {Well, yeah, but --}
Homer: {Well, I'm off to work.  [picks up SLH]}
Marge: {The dog has had enough excitement.}
Homer: {But Marge, dogs can _never_ have enough excitement.  Look:
       [swings SLH around] whee!  Whee!  Heh heh.  Whee!
        [giving in] All right, all right.  I won't take the dog.
        [grabs Maggie] Come here!
        [Marge grabs her back]
        [Homer moans]}
-- "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% At Springfield Elementary, Chalmers has called an assembly.

Chalmers: Boys and girls, because of Mr. Skinner's sudden departure,
          I've had to appoint a new principal.  Leopold?
           [hulking Leopold stands, and everyone gasps in fear]
 Leopold: All right, you little punks: pick up your freakin' ears,
          because I'm only going to be saying this once.  From now on,
          things are going to be _very_, _very_ different around here --
           [everyone gasps]
          -- with your new principal Ned Flanders!
           [everyone claps]
     Ned: Well, tippety-top of the A.M. to every-good-body here.  As
          chairman of the PTA, I am de-diddley-lighted to take over here
          and I think I can put the "pal" back in "principal".
           [everyone laughs]
Chalmers: Heh heh, yeah.  And I'll put the "super" back in
          "superintendent".
           [one person coughs]
          It's the same exact joke.  What gives, Leo?
-- It's because you're bald, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

     Ned: Now, I know everybody's eager to get back to class --
    Edna: Hah!
     Ned: -- but I thought it might break the ice if we had a little Q &
          A!
 Kearney: [to Jimbo] Dude, ask a question or we'll have to go back to
          class!
   Jimbo: [stands up] Um...
     Ned: Yeah. you!
   Jimbo: Uh, yeah, uh, I was wondering, do you, er, what's your policy
          on, uh, lunch?
     Ned: Well, let me just say I want to put the "stew" back in
          "students".
           [everyone laughs]
Chalmers: {It's just a damn popularity contest with you kids!  [walks
          off]}
 Leopold: {Now look what you've done, you little freaks!}
-- The sensitive side of the superintendent, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's
    Baadasssss Song"

% At the Kwik-E-Mart, Apu chides Bart for abusing the self-serve ice
% cream dispenser and making a foot-high cone.  Milhouse spies a
% familiar face in one of the aisles.

Milhouse: Bart, look!  It's Principal Skinner.  And I think he's gone
          crazy -- he's not wearing a suit or tie or anything!
    Bart: [approaches him] Principal Skinner?  Um, I'm real sorry about
          my dog getting you fired, and biting you, and then getting it
          on with your leg.
 Skinner: Well...maybe it was for the best.  Now I...I finally have time
          to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel.
          Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are
          brought to life through advanced cloning techniques.  I call
          it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."
     Apu: Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding sir.  First you think of an
          idea that has already been done.  Then you give it a title
          that nobody could possibly like.  Didn't you think this
          through...
           [later]...was on the bestseller list for eighteen months!
          Every magazine cover had...
           [later]...most popular movies of all time, sir!  What were
          you thinking?!  [realizing] I mean, thank you, come again.
-- Remembering his role, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% At Springfield Elementary, Principal Flanders berates Bart.

 Ned: Bart, I've barely been here a good solid week, and you've been
      sent to my office eleven times.  And now that I have peanut butter
      cups, you seem to be getting in trouble every hour.
Bart: [through a full mouth] Must have been a coincidence.
 Ned: Uh, anyhoo, Bart, you're going to have to be punished.  This isn't
      some sort of clubhouse.
       [Bart holds up an empty glass and rattles it]
      Oh, sorry: were you drinking Slice or Yoo Hoo?
-- Lousy irony!, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% Principal Skinner is in the laundromat, trying to pick a detergent
% from the vending machine.

Skinner: Let's see: Tide...Cheer...Bold...Biz...Fab...All...Gain...Wisk.
         I believe today I will try...Bold.
          [Bart skateboards by] Bart!  How are you?  How's school?
   Bart: Um...it's a lot of fun.  [pause] Well, it was good to see you
         --
Skinner: It was?  Well then we should get together again.  Say, er,
         Saturday at my house.  You know where I live?
   Bart: Er, no...
          [flashback to Bart knocking on a door and running]
Skinner: [answers door, looks down] Hmm.  A flaming bag, eh?  Well,
         these new Italian loafers will make short work of it.  [stomps
         on it]
          [back to the present]
   Bart: Er, I'm kind of busy on Saturday.
          [Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney run by.  Jimbo darts in]
Skinner: Hey!
  Jimbo: [taunts] We got Skinner's underpants!  And there's nothing you
         can do about it, Mr. Ex-Principal.
Skinner: That's not true.  I can buy a new pair!  [checks his wallet] No
         I can't.  I needed those, I really did.
-- Unemployed, unemployable, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% Bart relents and decides to visit Skinner after all.  He knocks on
% Skinner's door, and is greeted by Skinner's mother.  "Oh, you must be
% Seymour's friend.  He's up in his room.  Don't touch the wallpaper,"
% she cautions.
%
% Bart opens Skinner's bedroom door to find him conducting a recording
% of Beethoven's fifth.

Skinner: Bart!  Heh heh, welcome.  Can I offer you a Diet Caffeine-Free
         Dr. Pepper or an individual fruit cocktail cup?
   Bart: Uh, I'll pass.  Hey, what's this?  [points to photo]
Skinner: Oh, that's my old unit from Vietnam.  I was their sergeant,
         they were my loyal troops.
          [photo shows Skinner saluting and his men scowling at him]
         That photo was taken shortly before I was shot in the back --
         which was very strange because it was during a Bob Hope show.
         I was trying to get Joey Heatherton to put on some pants, for
         God's sake.
 Mother: [from downstairs] Seymour, your friend Bart is here.
Skinner: I know, Mother!
 Mother: Seymour, do you want me to tell you when it's 7:30?
Skinner: No, Mother!
-- It's 7:30...now!, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% Seymour and Bart go out to the backyard where Skinner, donning a
% "Principals do it 9 months a year" apron, barbeques some hot dogs.

Skinner: [laughing hard] Ned Flanders actually eliminated detention and
         put the whole school on the honor system?
   Bart: [laughs] Yeah.  And the teachers are afraid to leave the
         faculty lounge!  [laughs]
Skinner: [chuckles] Oh, ho ho, that place must be falling apart.  Oh,
         mercy.  [quietly] Nobody's mentioned me, have they?
   Bart: Er, I thought I heard someone say your name in the cafeteria,
         but they might have been saying "skim milk".
-- Lousy homonyms!, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% Skinner and Bart go to the seashoe at sunset.  Skinner spies a shell
% and listens for the ocean in it, only to be rewarded by having a crab
% latch onto his ear.  Bart obligingly bats it away with a stick.
%
% On another occasion, Skinner takes Bart to a restaurant.

Skinner: I thought you might like this restaurant, Bart.  They'll make a
         pizza pie with the topping of your choice!
   Chef: Hey, Seymour-ah.  You wanna your usual-ah table?
Skinner: No, no, Luigi.  I'd like one with two seats.  I'll be dining
         with a friend tonight.
   Chef: Hey, good for you, huh?  [goes into the kitchen]
Skinner: Hmm, it's real nice here.
   Chef: Hey, Salvatore, guess who's here-ah?  Mister Kookalamanza, and-
         ah some real ugly kid-ah.
-- If that's real nice..., "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% Skinner's prediction was right: Bart's school has degenerated
% considerably since Skinner was there.  The grade fours run about with
% nary an Edna in sight.  Nelson tears up a book, Wendell climbs on a
% podium, and Martin is suspended above the class in a cage.  Paper
% airplanes and garbage fly through the air.

Milhouse: [squirting ketchup on his stomach] This is great!  Not only am
          I not learning, I'm forgetting stuff I used to know, heh.  And
          it's all thanks to you, Bart.
    Bart: Yeah, great.
Milhouse: What's the matter?
    Bart: Don't you see, Milhouse?  We've gone too far.  We need Skinner
          back.
  Martin: My water dish is empty...
-- Your points being?, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% One night, the ex-principal walks past the school and thinks back.  A
% little girl tells him, "I learned to read because of you, Principal
% Skinner".  Martin says, "Sir, I baked you these raisin roundies."
% Ralph says, "Sir, I got carsick in your office."  Sobbing, Skinner
% walks away.
%
% Bart pays another visit to Seymour's house.  His mother greets him and
% hands Bart a note in which Skinner writes, "Bart, your friendship
% during this difficult time will not be forgotten.  However, I've
% decided to return to the only thing besides school that has ever given
% my life meaning.  I have re-enlisted in the United States Army.
% Sincerely, Sergeant Seymour Skinner."  {Depressed, Bart goes to
% Luigi's restaurant.}

Bart: {Table for one.}
Chef: {Oh, you miss you friend, huh?  Don't-ah you worry, my cook can
      surely cheer you up-ah.
       [enters kitchen] Hey Salvatore, give-ah the ugly kid a plate of
      the red-ah crap-ah!}
-- Stereotypical Italian sympathy, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss
    Song"

% [End of Act Two.  Time: 16:04]
%
% At Fort Springfield, Sgt. Skinner, resplendent in his uniform, walks
% along with a colonel.

  Colonel: It's good to have another combat veteran around here.  I
           myself received a number of medals for, um, securing that
           Montgomery Ward in Kuwait City?
  Skinner: Hmm, yes, colonel.  Now I understand it will be my duty to
           mold the new recruits into a well-disciplined, highly-trained
           infantry unit.
  Colonel: Sure, I, I guess.  Here they come!  [a bus arrives]
Recruit 1: Hey, where do I get my grenades at?
Recruit 2: They don't have them group toilets here no more, do they?
-- Highly potty-trained, anyway, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss
    Song"

% Marge and Homer sir Principal Flanders' office.

    Marge: Ned, Homer and I are a little concerned with the way the
           school's being run.
    Homer: [mouth full of peanut butter cups] Yes.  Deeply concerned.
      Ned: I may go a little easy on the old hickory-dickory stick, but
           that's just because my dad was hard on me when I was a boy.
            [flashback to New York City; a young Ned spills some ink]
Young Ned: Whoopsie doodle.
Ned's Dad: Oh, man!  Ned spelled ink all over my poems.  He's a real
           flat tire, I mean a cube, man.  He's putting us on the train
           to Squaresville, Mona!
-- Ned, the product of beatniks?, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss
    Song"

% At Fort Springfield, Seymour runs alongside his company while they
% chant army songs.

    Men: [jogging]
         "I knew a woman in Paris, France,
         Had a big hole in her underpants" --
Skinner: Wait, wait, wait, wait.  Where did you pick up that filth?
Recruit: We heard Sergeant Clarke's company singing it, Sir!
Skinner: Yes, well there will be no smut in my company.  You're in this
         man's army to learn!
    Men: [jogging]
         "I don't know, but I've been told
         The parthenon is mighty old."
Skinner: How old?
    Men: We don't know.
Skinner: That's real good, but needs improvement.
-- Important knowledge for _anyone_, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss
    Song"

% Bart sits on the couch and sighs at a photo Seymour sent him from the
% Fort.

      [Bart sighs at photo of Skinner]
Lisa: Wow, I never thought Principal Skinner could become any more of a
      square, but there's the proof.
Bart: It's weird, Lis: I miss him as a friend, but I miss him even more
      as an enemy.
Lisa: I think you need Skinner, Bart.  Everybody needs a nemesis.
      Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty, Mountain Dew has its Mellow
      Yellow, even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.
       [Maggie scowls out the window as said baby goes by in a baby
      buggy]
-- "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% Skinner stands next to his recruits who practice with mortars,
% watching through binoculars the spots where their bombs land.  Bart
% rides over a hill in Skinner's field of vision.

Skinner: Man on the range!  Change your trajectories!
          [the recruits strain to comply]
          [scene change to Apu and Sanjay at the Kwik-E-Mart]
    Apu: Sixteen brand new gas pumps.  At last we can compete with the
         Gas-N-Gulp.
          [they look up as whistling is heard overhead]
-- _Could_ have competed, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% At Fort Springfield, a giant red "K" lands upright in the ground
% behind Bart and Seymour.

   Bart: If there was some way to get rid of Flanders, would you want to
         come back?
Skinner: Ehh, I must admit, I do miss the school.  And frankly, the army
         isn't _quite_ as I remembered it --
          [some recruits drive by in a tank.  One moons Skinner, another
         swears at him, another tosses a beer can at him]
         Actually, it's _exactly_ as I remembered it.
-- The more things change..., "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

Skinner: I do want to come back, but it doesn't sound like Flanders is
         going to get fired.
   Bart: Oh, I think I could get him fired.  I got you fired, didn't I?
         [laughs]
Skinner: [unimpressed] Yes.
-- A painful memory, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% Skinner points out that their friendship will have to end if Skinner
% comes back as principal -- unless Bart becomes a good student.  Bart
% doesn't think that's likely, and Skinner agrees, but says, "We'll
% always have the laundromat."
%
% Bart has invited Skinner over to discuss the plans for Ned's
% dishonorable discharge.

          [Skinner walks in, sees Homer]
 Skinner: What's _he_ doing here?
    Bart: Well once he found out we were going to get Ned Flanders
          fired, he _insisted_ on helping.
   Homer: That is true.
    Bart: Here's the plan: once Chalmers comes for his next inspection
          and sees how crappy the school has gotten, he'll fire Ned on
          the spot.
 Skinner: Er, one question remains: how do I get out of the army?
    Bart: No problemo.  Just make a pass at your commanding officer!
 Skinner: Done and done.  And I mean done.
   Marge: [outside] What's going on in there?
Everyone: Nothing...
-- No, really, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% In Bart's classroom, Martin does someone's ironing in his suspended
% cage while singing, "Toreador en garde..." Bart shows Chalmers the
% deplorable state the school has fallen into.

    Bart: Come on, Chalmie, you fired Skinner for less than this.
Chalmers: Yeah, I did, but...Skinner really bugged me!  Besides, the way
          America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way
          in a few months.  I say, lay back and enjoy it!  It's a hell
          of a toboggan ride.
     Ned: [over PA] Well, cockly-doodly-doo, little buddies.  Let's
          thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.
Chalmers: Thank the Lor -- thank the Lord?  That sounded like a prayer.
          A prayer.  A prayer in a public school!  God has no place
          within these walls, just like facts have no place within
          organized religion.  Simpson, you get your wish: Flanders is
          history!
           [scene change to Willy cleaning graffiti off the lockers]
     Ned: Well, I really enjoyed my time here, Superintendent.  May the
          Lord bless and keep you.
Chalmers: Yeah, take it outside, God-boy.
     Ned: Okily dokily.
 Skinner: Dirksen, tuck in your shirt.  Jaffee, spit out that gum!
 Leopold: You really think it's a good idea to give that _freak_ his job
          back?
Chalmers: Aw, he seems to know the students' names.
-- A compelling reason, "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"

% Bart and Skinner stand alone in the hall.  "So...I guess we're enemies
% again," observes Bart.  Skinner agrees, and thanks Bart.  The two of
% them hug, and as Skinner walks away, Bart chuckling at the "KICK ME"
% sign on his back.  Skinner turns back to laugh at the "TEACH ME" sign
% on Bart's back.  "Oh, Mercy," he grins.
%
% [End of Act Three.  Time: 21:05]
===============================================================================
> Contributors
===============================================================================
   {dh}  Dave Hall
   {th}  Tony Hill
   {mk}  Matthew Kurth
   {et}  Emru Townsend
   {aw}  Al Wesolowsky
===============================================================================
This episode summary is Copyright 1996 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)