Homer the Vigilante                                Written by John Swartzwelder
                                                        Directed by Jim Reardon
===============================================================================
Production code: 1F09                        Original airdate in N.A.: 6-Jan-94
                                                  Capsule revision I, 22-Feb-97
===============================================================================
> Title sequence
===============================================================================
Blackboard :- I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
              I am not authorized/ at cutoff.

Lisa's Solo:- Recycled

Couch      :- The members of the family run in, collide, and explode.
              Maggie's pacifier falls to the floor of the blackened
              living room.

===============================================================================
> Did you notice...
===============================================================================
    ... OFF's address is 723 Evergreen Terrace?
    ... we see "El Barto" graffiti twice?
    ... Jimbo is writing "Carpe Diem" (seize the day)?
    ... Homer says he's 36 years old?
    ... the treasure is at 4723 Maple Valley Road?

Dave Hall:
    ... Marge doesn't wear her hair cap to bed?
    ... Ned doesn't bother to knock before entering the Simpson house?
    ... the burglar didn't steal Barney's air conditioner, but did steal
        Barney's underwear?  (What he was going to do with them?)
    ... Fat Tony's wanted poster on the wall of the police station?
    ... the scope on Apu's rifle, yet he's still a lousy shot?
    ... in Ned's rec. room, Moe, Apu, and Captain McAllister are sitting
        on a model train display?
    ... Homer cocks the shotgun before looking down the barrel?
    ... at Herman's military antiques, Apu is inspecting a bat with a
        nail in it?
    ... the barbed wire decorating the ceiling of Herman's military
        antiques?
    ... the SNPP cooling towers in the skyline under "Smartline"?
    ... at the museum, Homer's vigilante group all carries tire irons?
    ... Homer covers certain parts of his body when he's being hit with
        rotten vegetables?
    ... Patty and Selma aren't smoking?
    ... the stretch limo and Otto's school bus on the money race?

Alan Gindlesperger:
    ... when all others seem to throw tomatoes at Homer, Barney throws
        an orange?

Ron Carter:
    ... "Hi There Daddy-O'" is written on the side of the A-Bomb?

Don Del Grande:
    ... Lisa, Bart, and Homer all snore when they sleep; Bart also
        mumbles?
    ... at the start of "the chase" to get to the treasure, Marge slides
        down the side of the Police Station front steps?

Phil Mueller:
    ... there are seven people in the hole at the end: Marge, Homer,
        Patty, Selma, Otto, Wiggum, and Quimby?

===============================================================================
> Voice credits
===============================================================================
- Starring
    - Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Barney, Abe, Irish man, Quimby, Phil
      Silvers)
    - Julie Kavner (Marge, Selma)
    - Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Nelson)
    - Yeardley Smith (Lisa)
    - Hank Azaria (Wiggum, Lou, John Frink, Apu, Moe, student)
    - Harry Shearer (Flanders, Skinner, Brockman, Professor, Otto,
      Jasper, McAllister, Herman, beatnik, man burning leaves)
- Special Guest Voice
    - Sam Neill (Malloy)
- Also Starring
    - Pamela Hayden (Jimbo)

===============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
===============================================================================

  + the "Pink Panther" movies {rc}
    - music during Cat Burglar scenes
  + "Jack and the Beanstalk"
    - the magic beans Homer had purchased instead of insurance
  + TV's "Batman"
    - newspapers spinning towards us, plus background music
    "Raffles Molloy" {rc}
    - voice of Malloy sounds the same as David Niven
  + "Dr. Strangelove"
    - Homer as Slim Pickens, wearing the hat and riding the bomb
  + TV's "The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis"
    - Maynard G. Krebs, the beatnik (played by Bob Denver)
  + "Dead Poets' Society" {rl}
    - Jimbo painting "Carpe Diem", which is used in the movie
  + TV's "Dragnet"
    - music in front of museum
    LA Riots
    - Apu on top of store with gun
  + "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World"
    - see below

===============================================================================
> "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" references
===============================================================================

This list was contributed by Bryn Groves.

- The money is hidden under a "Big T" (in the movie, it was a "Big W")
- Everybody slowly backing away and then running off to get the money
- The theme music from the movie was playing.  It was dead on.
- Patty and Selma in a bi-plane (flown by Barney) -- in the movie, Sid
  Ceasar and Edie Adams were in the plane
- The shot of a plane going through a bill-board (in the movie, it
  wasn't the bi-plane that went through the billboard, by the way)
- Phil Silvers in a car slowly going underwater watched by a little boy
  (Bart) -- the dialogue was pretty much exactly the same as he curses
  Bart.  Even the part where Silvers goes underwater was lifted from the
  movie.  (Except Phil Mueller says, "In the movie, Phil Silvers' car,
  the one floating in the river, was lacking the passenger door.  In the
  Simpsons, the door exists.")
- The entrance to the park where the money is hidden looks the same as
  the movie.
- The "Big T" is a palm tree (just like the "Big W" in the movie, which
  can be seen behind the "Big T" to the left)
- The angelic music accompanying the sighting of the "Big T"
- The frantic digging scene, including the part where there's less and
  less people digging (except in the movie, only one person was left
  digging -- he, too, was shirtless).
- Buddy Hackett and Milton Berle are at the dig site (they were both in
  the movie), dressed as the characters they played.  Phil Silvers was
  also present; he was the one with the big stupid grin.
- The "prize" was in a brown attache-type case.
- The shot of everyone's heads looking down in a big circle at the
  "prize".

===============================================================================
> Previous episode references
===============================================================================
- [8F03] "Fat Tony" wanted poster {dh}
- [9F18], [9F21] The Irish man reappears
- [9F20] Couch sequence
- [9F21] Herman with the A-bomb
- [1F05] Lisa's unimpressed "What?"

===============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
===============================================================================
- In the Cat Burglar's case: {rc}
    - "grabber" hand
    - grappling hook loaded into launcher pistol
    - mini-blowtorch
    - suction cups
    - lockpicks
    - night sight goggles
    - glass cutter (looks more like a pizza cutter)
- The Cat Burglar's calling card: {rc}
    - "You have been robbed by the Springfield Cat Burglar, Est. 1957"
    - logo is a cat's black silhouette
- The "Springfield Shopper" headlines:
    - first one:
        - Cat Burglar Strikes Again!
        - Man Marries Woman In Wedding Ceremony
    - second one: (gets stolen by Cat Burglar)
        - Burglar Strikes Again!
        - Is Nothing Safe?
    - third one:
        - Zirconia Ztolen!!!
        - Simpson Asleep At Switch
- The number over the Kwik-E-Mart entrance: 4950 {dh}
- In the scene with the lasers guarding the house, in one frame between
  the shot with one laser and the first shot of three lasers, the
  characters "SC-59" appear handwritten and backwards on a black
  background.  This could be a music or sound-effect cue of some sort.
  {ddg}
- In Flanders' rumpus room: {rc}
    - poster: "Seven days without a drink makes me weak"
    - poster: "Hang In There" with a cat
    - the Flanders' family crest (iron clenched fist with crossed
      pickaxes)
    - various steins
    - ship's bell (cf. "Cheers")
    - Duff sign
    - model train set
    - "Yield" sign
    - license plate number 050768
    - Abe, Apu, Barney, Carl, Homer, Lenny, McAllister, Moe, Mrs. Van
      Houten, Otto, Ruth Powers, Skinner {dh}
- The Springfield Museum:
    - "Truth, Knowledge, Gift Shop"
    - paintings include:
        - Seurat
        - Da Vinci's "Mona Lisa"
        - Picasso
        - Dali's "Persistence of Memory"
- People at the Springfield Retirement Castle: {dh}
    - Abe, Apu, Barney, Carl, Chief Wiggum, Homer, Lenny, Lionel Hutz,
      Moe, Mrs. Krabappel, McAllister, Mrs. Hoover, Patty & Selma, Ruth
      Powers, Skinner, Sanjay, Mr. & Mrs. Van Houten, Quimby
- "Big T" stuff: {ra}
    - the Big T Building
    - Big T Burgers & Fries
    - the Tea Factory (giant teacup on top of building)
    - Big T Theater ("Ice-T with Booker-T In Concert")

===============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
===============================================================================
The burglar's shadow seen on the fence isn't possible because that side
of the yard has a brick wall.  Also the shadow doesn't match the angle
when we first see the burglar.  {dh}

When the Cat Burglar pulls Marge's necklace off, the beads on the back
of Marge's neck aren't attached to it; speaking of which, Marge wears
her necklace to bed, but Lisa doesn't wear hers.  {ddg}

When Bart mentions his stamp collection, Marge laughs along with the
others, which seems out of character.  {ddg}

In one scene, Lisa's slippers are missing from her feet.  {dh}

Unless Wiggum knows Homer by his voice, it is unlikely he knows Homer's
address.  {dh}

Establishing shot of Kwik-E-Mart doesn't show the sign covering the
entrance.  {dh}

When Apu fires his second shot from the top of the Kwik-E-Mart,
captioning indicates a "woman screaming".  {fb}

The kitchen table seems to be missing when Homer sets down new ground
rules.  {dh}

Maggie isn't quite sitting in her highchair.  {dh}

Homer's drumstick appears to turn into a list.  {dh}

The museum is unlocked at night, and the case covering the Cubic
Zirconium has no top, since it slides down around the gem.  {ddg}

Homer is supposedly reading the newspaper, but the article of him is
facing away from him.  {dh}

Homer falls on the grass next to the front steps, yet after Jimbo speaks
to him Homer is on the pavement in front of the front steps.  {dh}

Lisa supposedly is in the kitchen, yet she appears out of the front yard
carrying that jug.  {dh}

Jasper isn't walking with his cane.  {dh}

Police station interior changes size.  {dh}

The tattoo seen in 8F18 is missing from Otto's chest.  {dh}

They spelled Booker T inconsistently, as "Booker T" and "Booker-T".
{pam}

"4723 Maple Valley Road" appears to be a park of some sort, so why does
it have a street address?  {ddg} 	

===============================================================================
> Reviews
===============================================================================
Rakesh Agrawal: It wasn't Homer's Last Temptation, but it was still
    good.  The only Simpsons in recent memory that sticks to one plot
    for the duration of the episode.  B.

Chris Phelan: I rank this one notch above Homer Goes to College which is
    quite low.  Some have said a bad Simpsons is better than a good
    episode of any other show.  I am starting to disagree.  Again, boy
    did that one ever suck.  I give it a D.

Brendan Dunn: I'd give it a B-.  No absolutely great parts, but still
    not boring.  Overall I'd have to say it was the most average episode
    I've seen.

Alan Gindlesperger: This episode was very funny.  It was packed with
    jokes and funny jokes at that.  Homer was his stupid self, Grampa
    was his senile self, Lisa was her intellectual sensitive self, and
    chief Wiggum was his normal self.

Ron Carter: [ C-] Very weak at points; "It's a Mad..." is not even that
    good of a movie to begin with, to ref to; Lisa was downright cruel
    with her "Bart's loss is laughable..." remark; highlights were Homer
    and his jug dance, as was the professor/house gag.  What made it
    really bad, was that it didn't make me care that anything was
    stolen, not even Lisa's saxophone; just didn't get intrigued with
    the plot.

Carl Frank: Another Winner!!!  Like "Wacking Day," a delightful use of
    OFF dynamics to parody the breakdown of modern society (materiality,
    mob rule, respect for the aged).  [...] Sam Neil made as good a
    thief as he did in "Riley, Ace of Spies."  Kudos to all: Rating -
    B+/A-(not quite as good as Rosebud).

Rendell Bird: I would give it a B. I liked it quite a bit -- but it was
    missing that little *something*.  Still, a very good episode IMHO.

Joey Berner: Not a bad one, but not one of the better ones of the
    season.  And it was written by Swartzwelder too!  The first act
    didn't have much that made me laugh and it wasn't until near the end
    of Act Two that things seemed to pick up and the lines were coming
    fast and furious.  I enjoyed the third act and the "Mad, Mad, etc...
    World" parody was entertaining, especially Silvers in the water.
    I'd have to rate this one a very high C+.

Don Del Grande: One of the better episodes this season, mainly because
    (a) there were plenty of gags to go around and (b) there was no
    subplot that branched off in a totally different direction to
    distract from the story.

Yours truly: Surreal, but funny.  The hoedown stuff had me howling
    unmercifully.  Other good stuff: "Coping With Loss", "Bart's pain is
    funny", "You're an idiot", the beatniks, "I dunno...Coast Guard?",
    "Mental note: the girl knows too much", and Homer taunting Malloy.
    I give it a B.

===============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
===============================================================================
>> Malloy's voice

Tom Collins opines, "Ron Carter says he thought the voice of `Raffles'
    Molloy was a reference to David `Raffles' Niven, who appeared in the
    unfortunate 1940 remake of that name.  [...] Raffles was, of course,
    the `gentleman cambrioler,' ace cricket player, social lion, and
    thief, created by Arthur Conan Doyle's brother-in-law, E.W.
    Hornung.  Played in the 1917 silent film by John Barrymore and in
    the first (and best) sound version (1931) by...ta da!  Ronald
    Colman."

>> Stealing the Springfield Shopper

Tim Callahan writes, "DYN that the Springfield Shopper which was stolen
    by the Cat Burglar was labeled FREE anyway?  Not that you can't
    steal free newspapers; the San Francisco chief of police got in
    trouble in '92 or '93 for having two officers take hundreds of
    copies of the free weekly The Bay Times, which had portrayed him in
    a less than flattering manner."

>> The Beatnik Poem

Ron Carter gives the poem as, "Radiant cool,/Crazy nightmares,/Zen New
    Jersey nowhere,/ .../How now brown bureaucrat?"

>> Maynard G. Krebs

Ron Carter asks rhetorically, "What does the G. in Maynard's name stand
    for?".  Scott Tacktill responds, "The `G.' in Maynard's name stood
    for `Walter.'  He was, of course, named after his aunt, presumably a
    resident of Cleveland, Ohio.  Sadly, she was killed when the the
    monster (and his son) devoured that city, home of many a fine
    American like George Washington or Peter Lawford."

>> The uniforms

Here are the uniforms that each vigilante wore.

    - Homer: jungle explorer outfit
    - Skinner: Green Beret uniform
    - Apu: military uniform from India/Pakistan
    - Barney: fast food uniform
    - Moe: Boy Scout outfit with Kaiser German helmet

>> "Piss and vinegar"

To say someone is full of piss and vinegar is to say that they are full
    of liveliness.  Some people thought Grampa was indirectly referring
    to incontinence with this statement, but Tom Collins {tc} disagrees:
    "To be full of vinegar is to be full of energy.  If he is now full
    of piss also it's not due to a weak bladder but, more likely, BHP --
    a swollen prostate that leaves him not unable to deliver when he's
    standing there trying."

===============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary
===============================================================================
% [Syndication cuts are marked in curly braces "{}" and are courtesy of
% Ricardo Lafaurie and Frederic Briere.]
%
% It's another peaceful night in Springfield.  Our favorite family are
% nestled, all snug in their beds, when a shadow falls on the front
% door.  A man approaches with a suitcase which he places on the
% doorstep and opens to reveal a large number of tools.  He seems intent
% on breaking into the front door, but he doesn't need to: Homer has
% left his keys in the lock.
%
% Santa's Little Helper growls at the intruder, but he has anticipated
% this: he hands the dog some sausages, and the dog whimpers and begins
% to eat them.  Homer wanders in, apparently still asleep, and the
% intruder holds out some sausages to him too.  He sniffs them, says
% "Mmm!", and begins to eat them, still asleep and standing up.
%
% The man enters Lisa's room first.  He pulls back her covers to reveal
% that she sleeps with her saxophone at her lips.  With each exhale, she
% plays the note E. The man deftly exchanged her saxophone for a party
% favor.  Lisa doesn't notice the difference.
%
% In Bart's room, the man pulls back his covers and finds Bart with the
% portable TV under his arm.  Again, the intruder takes in and places a
% copy of a "Coping With Loss" book in the boy's arms.  Bart mutters a
% little, but he doesn't awaken.
%
% Lastly, the man steals Marge's red pearl necklace.  She's been wearing
% it for so long that each bead makes a popping noise as he pulls it
% loose.  The intruder sneaks out of the house past Santa's Little
% Helper and Homer, who are still asleep in the front hallway.
%
% The next morning, Homer and the dog haven't moved.

 Bart: Dad...we've been robbed!
 Lisa: Wake up, Dad, wake up!  There was a burglar and he took my
       saxophone!
Homer: Woo-hoo!
 Bart: And our portable TV!
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: And my necklace!
Homer: Ehh, that's no big loss.
Marge: Homer, that necklace was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom.
Homer: Oh, you've probably got a whole drawer full of 'em.
Marge: Well, yes I do.  But they're all heirlooms too.
-- The morning after the burglar's visit, "Homer the Vigilante"

  Bart: [upset] The burglar even took my stamp collection.
  Lisa: _You_ had a stamp collection?
         [Homer, Marge, and Lisa laugh their heads off]
         [The phone rings; Bart answers it]
Nelson: Stamp collection?  Ha ha!
-- News travels fast, "Homer the Vigilante"

 Lisa: Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't.  That saxophone was my one
       creative outlet.  It was the only way I could truly express
       myself.
Homer: Shh, quiet, Lisa.
-- "Homer the Vigilante"

% Bart observes that the burglar has left his business card.  Marge
% reads it: "'You have just been robbed by the Springfield Cat
% Burglar'...cute."  Just then, Flanders walks in.

Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighborinos!
   Homer: Can't talk.  Robbed.  Go hell.
Flanders: Heh.  You folks got robbed too?  The burglar took my Shroud of
          Turin beach towels.
    Bart: Wow, it's a crime wave!
-- Misplaced adoration, "Homer the Vigilante"

% Principal Skinner is despondent that day as well.  "Good Lord!" he
% exclaims, "My Stormin' Norman commemorative plates stolen!...again."
% {Barney wakes up in the middle of his floor, naked, in an empty
% apartment.  "Hey, I thought I had more stuff than this."}

 Lisa: {We _are_ insured, aren't we, Mom?}
Marge: {Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town
       to get some insurance.}
Homer: {Curse you, magic beans!}
Marge: {Oh, stop blaming the beans.}
-- "Homer the Vigilante"

% Homer decides to report the robbery to the Springfield police.

 Homer: Hello, Police?  Are you sitting down?  Good!  I wish to report a
        robbery.
Wiggum: [bored] A robbery, right.  Thanks for the report.  [hangs up]
        That's _another_ one, Lou...723 Evergreen Terrace.
         [Looks at a map with the robbery locations marked on it]
        Well, there doesn't seem to be any pattern yet, but if I take
        this one and move it here...and I move these over here...hello!
        It _almost_ looks like an arrow!
   Lou: Hey, look, Chief: it's pointing right at this police station.
Wiggum: Let's get out of here!
-- Deduction at its finest, "Homer the Vigilante"

% The Springfield Shopper announces the news of the burglary in its
% headlines.  Kent Brockman reports on the bad news.

     Kent: When cat burglaries start, can mass murders be far behind?
           This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman
           monster like the Wolfman, but he very well could be.  So,
           professor: would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.
-- Reasoned judgement, "Homer the Vigilante"

% At a press conference, Chief Wiggum reports on the police's progress.

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen -- please.  We have a major
break in the case.  We recovered the burglar's hankerchief from one of
the crime scenes.  Now, one sniff of this baby, and our tracking dog
will be hot on his trail.
Gosh, look at me, I'm...sweating like a pig here.  [wipes himself] Oh...
aw man...that's better.
All right, get the scent, boy.  [dog sniffs it] Come on, get the scent.
Now kill!
 [Dog jumps at his throat]
Oh!  Ow!  Hey!  Oh, my jugular, argh!  Ooh!  Any questions?
-- Chief Wiggum at the press conference, "Homer the Vigilante"

% Professor John Frink has even come up with a plan to foil the burglar:
% a house that runs away on giant feet when the burglar trips the alarm.
% His miniature demonstration model trips and falls, however, bursting
% into flames.  Little wooden people fall out of the house, burning.
% "The real humans won't, er, wo -- won't burn quite so fast," he
% consoles sheepishly.
%
% {As Bart walks down the street the next day, many bars automatically
% slam shut in front of windows.  He stops in front of one house and
% says, "Cool: high-tech security system!"  He tosses a pebble at the
% house, and two lasers follow its course while a third one blasts the
% pebble to dust.  The house next door gets up on two giant legs and
% begins running away from Bart, but it trips and bursts into flame.}
%
% {The house with the lasers draws all the neighborhood kids.  They toss
% stones at it and watch them getting destroyed.  "All right!" grooves
% Otto, "Free laserium!  All the colors of the 'bow, man!"  Just then,
% Jasper walks by and gets zapped in the eyes by a laser.}

        {[a laser hits Jasper in the eyes]
Jasper: Oh!...my cataracts are gone.  I can see again!  All the beauty
        of na --
         [Another laser hits him in the eyes]
        I'm blind.  Oh well: easy come, easy go.}
-- Jasper's nonchalance over sight, "Homer the Vigilante"

% At the Springfield Retirement Home, Abe sleeps.  His door opens and a
% shadow appears at it.

   Abe: Oh!  It's the Cat Burglar.  Please don't kill me!
Malloy: Abe, can I borrow your ointment?
   Abe: Oh, it's you, Malloy.  All right -- but this time, clean off the
        applicator!
-- A close call, "Homer the Vigilante"

% Apu is even frightened: when a man drives up to the Kwik-E-Mart and
% gets out of his car, Apu takes a shot at him with a shotgun from his
% perch atop the roof of the building.  The man hurries off, and Apu
% shouts after him, "Thank you for coming.  I'll see you in Hell."
%
% Homer decides to lay down some new rules for the family.

Homer: All right: these are our new family security rules.  Be home
       before dark, and make sure you're not followed.  Lock all doors
       and windows.
Marge: And don't take candy from strangers.
Homer: [plaintive] Marge, they're only human!
-- "Homer the Vigilante"

 Lisa: What's the point of all these precautions?  I've already lost the
       only thing that matters to me.
Homer: Oh, Lisa, stop pining for your saxophone.  I got you another
       instrument.
 Lisa: What, this jug?
        [She blows its spout, producing two alternating tones in rhythm]
        [Homer begins to laugh and cheer, but Lisa stops]
Homer: Lisa, never _ever_ stop in the middle of a hoedown!
-- "Homer the Vigilante"

% Lisa starts to cry.  Homer says, "Oh honey, I didn't realize how much
% that horn meant to you.  Don't worry; Daddy's going to get it back.  I
% don't know how, but I'll figure out something."  Lisa thanks him.
% Homer continues, "You know, Lisa, music helps Daddy think."  She
% starts blowing the jug again, and Homer dances in place while
% thinking.
%
% The Springfield Shopper asks rhetorically, "Is Nothing Safe?"
% Apparently the answer is no: the Cat Burglar steals the paper, leaving
% his business card in its place.  Flanders has a meeting in his rumpus
% room.

Flanders: Welcome, neighbors.  Since the police can't seem to get off
          their dufferoonies to do something about this burglarino, I
          think it's time we started our own neighborhood watch...
          eroony!
           [Everyone cheers]
          Now, who should lead the group?
     Man: You!
Everyone: Yay!  Flanders!  Flanders!  Flanders!
Flanders: I don't really have very much experience, but I'll --
     Moe: Someone else!
Everyone: Yay!  Someone else!  Someone else!  Someone else!
   Homer: _I'm_ someone else.
   Lenny: He's right!
   Homer: We don't need a thinker.  We need a doer: someone who'll act
          without considering the consequences.
Everyone: Homer!  Homer!  Homer!
-- How quickly they sway, "Homer the Vigilante"

    Barney: I'm with you, Homer!
McAllister: I be with ya too, matey.
   Skinner: I'm with you, Homer.
       Moe: You're the man, Homer.
       Apu: You should do it.
      Otto: You're the man, man.
       Abe: I'll join!  I'm filled with piss and vinegar.  At first I
            was just filled with vinegar.
     Homer: Hmm...sorry, Dad.  You're too old.
       Abe: [stammers] Too old?  Why, that just means I have experience.
            Who chased the Irish out of Springfield village in aught
            four?  Me, that's who!
 Irish man: And a fine job you did, too.
     Homer: Aw, Dad.  You've done a lot of great things, but you're a
            very old man now, and old people are useless.  [tickles Abe]
            Aren't they?  Aren't they?  Huh?  Yes they are!  Yes they
            are!  Tee hee --
       Abe: Stop it!  That's a form of abuse.
-- Father and son, "Homer the Vigilante"

% Moe, Homer, McAllister, and Skinner all check out their own shotguns
% in the Simpson home.

     Marge: I don't think the guns are a good idea.
     Homer: Marge!  We're responsible adults.  And --
       Moe: [shoots] Whoops.
     Homer: And if a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms
            in a responsible way --
McAllister: [shoots] Sorry.
   Skinner: [shoots] Uh oh.
       Moe: [shoots] Me again.
      Bart: [shoots] Sorry.
-- You were saying?, "Homer the Vigilante"

% [End of Act One.  Time: 8:05]
%
% {At Moe's Tavern, Homer and Barney shake hands back to back, reaching
% through their legs.}

Homer: {OK, we've got the secret vigilante handshake.  Now we need code
       names.  I'll be Cue-Ball, Skinner can be Eight-Ball, Barney will
       be Twelve-Ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-Ball.}
  Moe: {You're an idiot.}
-- No, Moe can be Lucille Ball, "Homer the Vigilante"

% The men check out the display of weapons at Herman's store.  {The shot
% of Herman's is shortened by a second in syndication.}

Herman: So...wedding, huh?
 Homer: No, we're forming a vigilante group.
-- An easy mistake to make, "Homer the Vigilante"

% Herman entreats Homer to go with him.

 Herman: See, it's a miniature version of the A-Bomb.  The government
         built it in the fifties to drop on beatniks.
          [Homer imagines a beatnik on the grass with a bongo]
Beatnik: Radiant cool, crazy nightmare
         Zen New Jersey nowhere...
          [A group of beatniks snap their fingers in time]
          [Homer flies overhead in a plane]
  Homer: Put this in your pipe and smoke it!
          [Presses a button, but the A-Bomb doesn't fall]
Beatnik: How now, brown bureaucrat?
          [Homer jumps on the bomb, and it falls with him still on it.
         He cheers as though he's riding a bronco]
          [It explodes, bringing us back to reality]
         Take that, Maynard G. Krebs!
 Herman: Hey...see the sign?  ["Do not ride the bomb"]
  Homer: Sorry.
-- Eradication of undesirables, "Homer the Vigilante"

% The vigilante group is now outfitted and ready to go.  Homer inspects
% their uniforms.

  Homer: OK, men, it's time to clean up this town!
Skinner: Meaning what, exactly?
  Homer: You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.
-- A noble directive, "Homer the Vigilante"

% Homer gets in a motorcycle sidecar with Barney as the driver, and he
% demands that Bart give him his megaphone.  "It's not just _a_
% megaphone, Dad, it's a Rapmaster 2000," Bart explains, but Homer grabs
% it nonetheless, figuring he must whip the neighborhood into shape.  As
% he uses it, a beat emanates from it under his voice, and the
% neighborhood children mistake Homer for Hammer.  The follow the
% motorcycle, dancing and gyrating, ignoring Homer's warning to return
% to their homes and places of businesseses.
%
% On one of the patrols, the vigilante group come upon a college student
% playing a saxophone for money on the street.

  Homer: Hey, you!  Where did you get that saxophone?
Student: [pause] Sears.
  Homer: Get him!
-- Mistaken identity, "Homer the Vigilante"

% On another patrol, they come across a man burning leaves in his yard.
% {The man takes a puff of his cigarette.}  "No burning leaves without a
% permit!"  Homer rudely informs him, as the members of the group kick
% the burning leaves all around.  "I got one," the man protests, but it
% is too late.  The vigilantes run off, and the man has to douse the
% leaves before they burn his house to the ground.
%
% They come upon Jimbo who is spray painting "carpe diem" on a wall.

Homer: You better have a good reason for doing that, boy.
Jimbo: It makes me feel like a big man.
Homer: Let me check my reason list.  ...Yep!  It's on here.
Jimbo: Hey!  You're that drunken posse.  Wow...can I join ya?
Homer: [skeptical] I don't know...can you swing a sack of door knobs?
Jimbo: _Can_ I?
Homer: You're in!  Here's the sack.
  Moe: But you gotta supply your own knobs.
-- A small price to pay, "Homer the Vigilante"

% That night at dinner, Homer relates his antics to the rest of the
% family.

Homer: So I said to him, "Look, buddy, your car was upside down when we
       got here.  And as for your Grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed
       off like that!"
 Lisa: Dad, don't you see you're abusing your power like all vigilantes?
       I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police?
Homer: I dunno.  Coast Guard?
-- You scratch my back..., "Homer the Vigilante"

Marge: Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the Cat Burglar?
 Lisa: And I still don't have my saxophone.
Homer: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back.  But
       we've also expanded into other important areas.  [reads a list]
       Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world
       domination --
 Lisa: World domination?
Homer: Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo.
        [thinks] Mental note: the girl knows too much.
-- Precocious eight-year-olds, "Homer the Vigilante"

% Homer is invited to be a guest on Smartline.  Kent Brockman interviews
% him.

 Kent: Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty
       vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy
       sack-beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?
Homer: Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent.
       Forfty percent of all people know that.
 Kent: I see.  Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group
       has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
Homer: [amused] Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't
       committing crimes.
 Kent: [pause] Well, touche'.
-- Effective interview responses, "Homer the Vigilante"

       [phone rings]
 Kent: Well it looks like we have our first caller...and I mean ever,
       because this is not a call-in show.  Hello, you're on the air.
  Man: Hello, Kent.  Hello, Homer -- my arch-nemesis.
Homer: Y'ello.
  Man: You _do_ realize who this is?
Homer: Uh...Marge?
  Man: No, Homer, I'm not your wife.  Although, I do enjoy her pearls.
       As a matter of fact, I'm holding them right now: listen.  [plays
       with them]
Homer: Why you monster.  And you have my daughter's saxophone too!
        [He strangles someone off camera]
 Kent: Homer!  That's our stage manager.
Homer: Oh...heh, sorry.  I'm a little nervous.
-- No great loss, "Homer the Vigilante"

  Man: You may be interested to know that for my next crime, I'll be
       pinching the pride and joy of the Springfield Museum -- the
       world's largest cubic zirconia.
Homer: Listen, Mr. Cat Burglar, I vow to go without sleep and guard the
       Springfield Museum day and night for as long as it takes from now
       on.  Unless you want to taunt me more by giving me an approximate
       time...
        [no answer]
        [sweetly] We'll be right back.
 Kent: I get to say that!
-- No fair, "Homer the Vigilante"

% Homer stands outside the museum.  Abe, Jasper, and Malloy approach
% him.

  Abe: Son, we want to help you catch that plug-ugly yegg.
Homer: [sweet] Dad, the best way for you to help is to set a good
       example.  [serious] Just stand around and don't steal anything.
        [He turns away, but suddenly turns back, noticing Abe and Jasper
       carting something from the museum] Hey!
  Abe: We're on our break!
-- Oh, _that_ justifies it, "Homer the Vigilante"

% Homer walks up to Skinner.

Skinner: Any sign of the burglar yet?
  Homer: He'll show.
Skinner: How's that?
  Homer: It's his job.
Skinner: How's that?
  Homer: He's a burglar.
-- Socratic questioning, "Homer the Vigilante"

% Homer and Skinner nod at one another as the theme music from "Dragnet"
% plays.

Well, Mr. Cat Burglar, you'd like to get in here, wouldn't you?  There's
just one little problem: 36 years ago, some lady gave birth to a man
named Homer J. Simp -- ohmigod: underage kids drinking beer without a
permit!
-- Homer guards the Springfield Museum, "Homer the Vigilante"

% The Cat Burglar wastes no time in taking advantage of the situation.
% He walks into the museum and flips the alarm switch, ignoring the "Do
% not turn off" warning on it, and the glass surrounding the monstrous
% bogus diamond lowers.  He sneaks away as three teenagers encourage
% Homer to chug a beer.
%
% The Springfield Shopper announces the next day, "Zirconia Ztolen!",
% and accuses Homer of being asleep.  The picture shows Homer passed out
% with beer cans all around him.

Homer: "Asleep at the switch"?  I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
 Bart: I believe you, Dad.
-- Your sympathy is touching, "Homer the Vigilante"

% Homer realizes he's still got a job to do, and he walks out the front
% door, only to be pelted by fruit and vegetables.  Barney yells, "Go
% home, Simpson!"  Jimbo walks up to Homer and empties a sack full of
% doorknobs in front of him.

Jimbo: You let me down, man.  Now I don't believe in nothing no more.
       I'm going to law school
Homer: Noo!
 Lisa: Dad...maybe this will cheer you up.  [plays her jug]
Homer: Aw, this doesn't work any more.  [Lisa stops] I didn't say stop!
-- The healing power of hoedown, "Homer the Vigilante"

% [End of Act Two.  Time: 14:37]
%
% As Homer picks the fruit from his body, Marge finally realized how
% much the town loved the giant zirconia.  Abe walks in.

 Abe: Let me through!  Let me through.
Lisa: Oh, Grampa, they pelted you too?
 Abe: No, actually, I fell down at the Big Boy.
-- Great free-food scams, "Homer the Vigilante"

  Abe: Son, I've come to help you.  I know who the Cat Burglar is.
Homer: What?
Marge: Who?
 Bart: Huh?
 Lisa: What?
  Abe: [triumphant] Well, well, well!  Before I was just too old, and no
       one wanted my help.  Suddenly, look who comes to old Grampa --
       wait!  Where are you going?  [meek] Come back, I'll tell you.
-- No gloating allowed, "Homer the Vigilante"

  Abe: He was right under my nose the whole time.  He lives in my
       retirement home.  His name is Malloy.
 Lisa: Wow!  How'd you track him down, Grampa?
  Abe: Good question!  On one of my frequent trips to the ground, I
       noticed Malloy wore sneakers...for sneaking.
       My next clue came yesterday at the museum.  We felt slighted by
       your age-bashing, and started home.  Malloy said, "I'll catch up
       with you."
        [Malloy shoots a rope over the building]
       I couldn't quite put my finger on it.  There was something
       strange about the way he walked -- much more vertical than usual.
       And finally, Malloy, unlike most retired people, has the world's
       largest cubic zirconia on his coffee table.
Homer: Aw, Dad, I could kiss you!
  Abe: Well, kiss me right here.  It's the only part that still has
       feelings.
-- Sherlock Abe, "Homer the Vigilante"

% Homer walks outside, and everyone cocks their arm, but Homer stops
% them by saying he knows where the burglar is.  "To the retirement
% home!" yells Abe, and everyone cheers.  They all rush off and accost
% Malloy.

Skinner: And there she is: the world's largest cubic zirconia.
    Moe: What an eyesore!
  Homer: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the
         very person who was trying to catch him.
Skinner: How ironic.
-- Moronic, that is, "Homer the Vigilante"

Malloy: Homer, old chap, well done.  If anyone was going to catch me,
        I'm glad it was you.
 Homer: Actually, it wasn't me, it was my dad, Grampa.
   Abe: Thanks, Son.  So you see, old people aren't so useless after
        all.  Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you.  And I'm
        even older and I outsmarted him!  Ah ha ha ha --
   Moe: Shut up.
   Abe: [meek] I've had my moment.
-- You'll have fourteen more, "Homer the Vigilante"

Malloy: And of course, I'm happy to return all of your treasured
        possessions.
         [Everyone talks with surprise]
        Selma, my dear: your lock of MacGyver's hair.
 Selma: Thank you.  I'll add it to the ball.
-- That's why he's going bald, "Homer the Vigilante"

  Malloy: And little Lisa: here's your saxophone.
    Lisa: Thank you.  And thank you, Dad.  You got it back -- just like
          you said you would.
  Malloy: I sincerely regret any inconvenience that I may have caused.
          And although I have stolen your material goods, let me assure
          you that your dear town has stolen my heart.
Everyone: Aw!
 Skinner: Oh, he's so charming.
  Barney: Let's let him go!
Everyone: Yeah!
  Wiggum: Oh, sorry folks.  [sarcastic] Gee, I really hate to spoil this
          little love-in, but Mr. Malloy broke the law.  And when you
          break the law, you gotta go to jail.
  Quimby: Uh, that reminds me, er, here's your monthly kickback.
  Wiggum: You just -- you couldn't have picked a worse time.
-- Kickbacks aren't illegal, they're in the Springfield Towne Charter,
    "Homer the Vigilante"

% Homer gloats outside Malloy's prison cell.

 Homer: I caught the Cat Burglar!  I caught the Cat Burglar!  That means
        you-ou!  You are the Cat Burglar!
Malloy: I suppose you're wondering where I hid all the millions of
        dollars I stole over the years.
 Homer: Shut up!
Wiggum: No, wait a minute -- maybe we should, er, hear him out.  Where'd
        you hide the loot, Malloy?
Malloy: It's buried right here in Springfield...under a big T.
 Homer: No...kidding?
Wiggum: Big T, huh?
 Homer: [backing away] Well...I guess I'll be going to my home now,
        and...sleep.
Wiggum: Yeah...me too...I will also go home...for sleep.
-- Dripping with nonchalance, "Homer the Vigilante"

% Eddie, Lou, Wiggum, and Homer frantically run out of the jail.  Homer
% pushes people aside, yelling how he must find a big T. "There's
% millions of dollars buried under a big T!"  People look at the Big T
% Building, Big T Burgers and Fries, the Tea Factory, and the Big T
% Theater (featuring Ice T and Booker T), but no one finds anything.
% They all rush to the jail.

Wiggum: We need more information.
Malloy: Very well.  It's buried at 4723 Maple Valley Road.
         [Everyone stares blankly]
         [sighs] You take highway 201 south for 15 minutes.  You take a
        left -- a left --
-- On a silver platter, "Homer the Vigilante"

% Marge hops in the motorcycle and Homer in the sidecar while the other
% citizens of Springfield drive in whatever they can.  Barney flies a
% biplane with Selma and Patty in the other seats straight through a
% Duff billboard.  A man in a convertible drives in what he thought was
% a shallow stream, but his car gets lower and lower in the water.  Bart
% watches with a grin as the man sinks, and Bart waves goodbye.
%
% Kent Brockman reports on the situation.

     Kent: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for
           some unknown reason.  Professor, without knowing precisely
           what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers
           to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.
-- A reasoned opinion, "Homer the Vigilante"

% People arrive helter-skelter at the address given by Malloy.  It has a
% palm tree shaped like a T planted in the ground there.  Several men
% begin shoveling and picking away at the ground with their shirts off
% as others look on anxiously.  Snake even licks his chops in
% anticipation.  Eventually Otto hits paydirt.

  Otto: I found something!  [pulls a briefcase from the ground]
Wiggum: [opens it] It's just a piece of paper.
 Homer: It's mine!  [reads] "Frightfully sorry, but there is no hidden
        treasure.  I have already used this time to escape from your
        jail.  Fondest wishes" -- oh, I can't make out the signature!
Quimby: Keep digging.  We're bound to find something!
-- Missing the point, "Homer the Vigilante"

% They do as Quimby suggests, until there are only a few of them at the
% bottom of a hole forty or fifty feet deep.

Quimby: I guess we're not going to find anything.
  Otto: Um, how are we going to get out of here?
 Homer: We'll dig our way out!
Wiggum: No, dig _up_, stupid.
-- "Homer the Vigilante"

% [End of Act Three.  Time: 20:55]
%
% The theme music at the end has an oom-pah-pah bass, and it sounds more
% goofy than usual (this ties in with the "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad,
% World" theme.)
===============================================================================
> Contributors
===============================================================================
   {ra}  Rakesh Agrawal
   {fb}  Frederic Briere
   {rc}  Ron Carter
   {ddg} Don Del Grande
   {dh}  Dave Hall
   {rl}  Ricardo Lafaurie
   {pam} Phillip Mueller
===============================================================================
This episode summary is Copyright 1997 by James A. Cherry.  Not to be
redistributed in a public forum without permission.  (The quotes
themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the
reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors.  I'm
just taking credit for the compilation.)