"Grampa on the Road"


by Liam Scanlan

Act I.

Scene opens to the SNPP where Homer is eating donuts in his workstation.
Homer: Donuts, the rich, sugary, creamy, something nutty,
       often chewy, deadly, little cubes of tasty pleasure
       coat a round piece of fried bread.,
       sugary, creamy, sometimes nutty, often chewy, deadly,
       little cubes of tasty pleasure on a round piece of
       fried bread.
 Carl: Homer, you really shouldn't hog the donuts, without at
       least offering us one.
Homer: I do so offer you guys some. You just never listen.
Lenny: And today you're not on the john. Usually you just take
       them into the bathroom til coffee break.
Homer: Oh, some stupid jerk came in and left the taps on the
       sinks on. Those stupid jerks! Trying to flood the
       bathroom on me, eh?!
       [pause] Let at least Stuart is enjoying it.
Shot to Homer, Lenny and Carl looking into the bathroom through a window, watching Stuart, the duck, swim around in circles, occasionally flushing the toilet with his beak.
Homer: Hehehe, look at that duck. Swimming around the bathroom
       like he owns the place. Hehehe.
 Carl: Yeah, that duck sure can swim.
Lenny: Oh my god! It's five already? I'm gonna miss an hour
       long episode of "Mama's Family".
       [he and Carl start walking away]
 Carl: Yeah, well this is just the start of my day.
Lenny: What are you gonna do tonight?
 Carl: Doesn't matter. Might catch a flick. You coming, Homer?
       [sees Homer still giggling at the duck through the
        batroom window]
Outside Lenny, Carl and Homer go to there cars.
Lenny: Hey, there's a leak in the gas tank of that car.
Homer: D'oh! [They light a match and Homer's car light on fire]
 Carl: Quick, get a hose. [They take one from the side of the
       building with a sign above it saying "Please take one"]
Lenny: Look out!
       [a wave of water from the hose puts out the carfire]
Homer: D'oh again!
       [his car is filled with water, his pants burnt to ashes]
That night Homer drives home up to his waist in water--while wearing nothing but his underwear. He pulls in the driveway. He steps outside and sees water dripping from his car.
Homer: Thank God the power plant has a gas station in the
       parking lot. Thank God they also have car insurance.
       Thak God they also have a garage.
Marge: Homer, what happened?
Homer: My car blew up!
Marge: Homer put some pants on.
Homer: They burnt, too.
Marge: (TM) Mmmm...
Marge: How could your car blow up?
Homer: It had a leak.
  Abe: That's the car I gave you when I won a hundred thousand
       on the lottery.
Homer: I though your girlfrind gave you that.
  Abe: No, I won the lottery once. How else could I get that
Homer: Maybe you had some other stash bucket.
  Abe: What? Ah geez. Son, That was ten years ago.
Homer: But my car is only six years old.
  Abe: Son, I was saving it for your birthday.
Homer: How come you never told me about this?
  Abe: You were supposed to remember.
Homer: I don't remember anything of the such.
  Abe: Son you were once in a coma.
Homer: Funny, I don't remember that either.
  Abe: Homer, do you even remember anything about my life?
Homer: No. Except I have a half-brother.
  Abe: Can't you remember anything?
Homer: Yeah, I remember my car blew up and took my pants with
  Abe: I was right. See? You didn't even remember to put any
       pants on when you got home.
Homer: [realizes] D'oh!
Abe finds himself back at home in the Springfield Retirement Castle (SRC) wondering if Homer even knows about him.
Abe: How come Homer dosen't know anything about me? Especially
     the important stuff? I'm not useful around here anymore.
     My son dosen't even know I exist. I can't take it
     anymore. I'm hittin' the road. Maybe Homer will notice
     I'm gone.
He packs his stuff in a suitcase. He walks out to the lobby where there is many patients and nurses. He sneaks out and hides behind the curtain. Then the plant. He then realizes no one will notice so he just walks out the back entrance. After a short pause, he reopens the door and grabs his suitcase. He's out on the highway with his thumb sticking out. A passer-by picks him up. Abe sits in the car for a long time before saying anything.
Abe: Hello? [the driver kicks him out of the car] Well at least
     I can walk. [walks about three feet, gives up, and sticks
     out his thumb] The hell with walking. I'm hitchiking.
     [starts walking with his thumb sticking out] Hey, I can
     accomplish two things at once.
[End of Act I]

Act II.

Homer walks out to the car the next morning to find it still full of water.
Homer: [water spills out of the car]
       [along with his burnt pants]
Marge: Homer, get in the house and put some pants on.
Homer: [realizes he just got out of bed] D'oh!
In the house...
 Bart: What happened to the car?
Homer: I can't explain.
Marge: It blew up.
 Lisa: Dad are you ever going to put on any pants?
Homer: Eventually, but now I going to work.
 Lisa: You should at least put on some pants.
Homer: Fine honey, but daddy has to go to work now.
Meanwhile, Abe is halfway across the country. He is riding a car with a stranger telling another one of those stories that go nowhere.
Abe: I was the first person to be abducted by aliens. It
     wasn't pretty. They would do this thing called probing.
     It wasn't pretty. If you ever get probed, always take
     part in it. You won't have to use the bathroom for a long
     while. Me? Not for three days since the war ended. When
     the aliens actually abducted me, they had asked for I. D.
     I hadn't the idea what I. D. meant so I said that I had a
     ticket on board a space shuttle. [by now, the driver has
     become bored] Did you ever see a movie called I D 4? The
     aliens on that movie are puny compared to the ones that
     abducted me. Those aliens on I D 4 are only fifteen miles
     long. The ones I know are at least twenty. So, for the
     record, the alien has at least seven hundred arms. Some
     had more and some had less. [notices something that looks
     like an alien air-freshener, the thing has only ten arms]
     Say, that looks like one. Let's see how many arms it has.
     tennnnnnnnn......ten. Ok, so it dosen't have seven
     hundred arms, but how many fingers does it have, the
     alien has twenty-eight thousand. Lemme count. Lemme
     count. One two three four five six seven eight nine ten
     eleven twelve. [the driver has fallen asleep because of
     his story] Uh. Oh. I don't like the look of that driver.
     [Abe jumps out of the car, seconds before it crashes into
     a telephone poll] Uh oh. I forgot my luggage. [He walks
     up to the car, the front end smashed, the driver dead. He
     grabs his suitcase off the back seat, and leaves a five
     dollar bill in it's place.] That's for your trouble. He
     continues to walk through Pittsburgh, Pa. He continues to
     stick out his thumb while walking past the Civic Arena.
     (Background reminicent of the movie Sudden Death. The
     roof blows up.) A "Flower Power" wagon pulls up.
Hippie 1: Hey, there geezer. Where are you going?
     Abe: I'm trying to go away from home.
Hippie 2: We're headed to San Fransico, California.
     Abe: Don't take me there. Then I'll be closer to home
          than before.
Hippie 1: I'd like to help you old timer, but you're not
     Abe: Oh, just let me in the damn van.
At the SNPP, Homer is at work (wearing pants now) mopping up the men's room floor.
Homer: Doo dee doo doo do-do-doo. [Stuart quacks and walks by]
       Hey you stupid duck, I just mopped there.
       [Stuart jumps in the toilet and starts swimming]
       Oh, I get it. Just because I mop up the mess, it means
       you can steal the credit. Well you little--
       [start choking the duck, it squeeks out quacks]
        --stupid duck. How dare you steal the show.
       [two security guards walk in and grab him by the arms
       and drag him out side al a "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part
       One". The duck is unconcious]
       Oh, you're a dead duck, Mr. Stuart. Oh, you're dead!
       You're dead duck!
At home, Marge wonders about Grampa.
Marge: I wonder where Grampa is. He didn't seem to be his old
       self after he left.
       [she phones the Springfield Retirement Castle]
       Yes. I'm looking for an Abraham Simpson.
       [you can here the nurse on the other end]

Nurse 1: Hey, Bruce. Where's Abe?
         [A big commotion occurs as the Nurses and patients
         wonder where Abe is]
  Bruce: No one can seem to find him.
Patient: All I know is he left here. Said he was hitting the
 Doctor: Abe's gone?
Patient: Yes, he is.
Everybody in the Retirement Castle: Yay!
  Marge: (TM) Mmmm...
Abe is still back with the Flower Power gang.
     Abe: My wife worked with Flower Power.
Hippie 1: Did we ask you to talk?
     Abe: Well, you never said I couldn't.
Hippie 1: I don't care, old timer. Say another word and your
          ass is in the books.
          [threatens him with a gun]
     Abe: I'll be good! I'll be good! I'll be good!
          [a cop car pulls up behind them]
Hippie 2: Hey you, groovy policeman.
     Cop: Do you have a liscence?
Hippie 1: Yes, but the dog ate it. [points to Abe]
     Abe: Get me out of here.
Hippie 1: I told you to shut up. Now shut up.
     Abe: No! I'm old. I'm alone. And I'm proud.
          [the hippies bust up laughing, Abe uses this to his
          advantage and climbs out the back door]
     Cop: Are you people causing trouble
Hippie 3: Why do you ask officer?
     Cop: Your hostage escaped.
Hippie 4: There he goes.
          [Abe is sitting on the curb making faces at the
           Oh well.
     Cop: Leave!
Hippie 4: Fine. You win this time geezer, but we'll get our
          revenge. Oh yes we will. Don't think we will. We're
          young and we're groovy.
          [they leave along with the cop]
Several limousines pull up to Abe. Each has miniature American flags on the corners.
 Clinton: Well, hello there citizen. Are you another American
          who's down on his luck?
   Agent: Sir, he's a bum.
     Abe: No, I'm not.
 Clinton: Who are you?
     Abe: My name is Abraham J. Simpson from Springfield,--
 Clinton: Stanger, if you want to run away from society, you've
          come to the right place. Washington's only seven
          hundred miles from here.
     Abe: Ok. Mr. President. By the way, how hard would would it
          be to eliminate three states?
 Clinton: [laughs] Oh, this old man has a few jokes up his
     Abe: I wasn't kidding. I was serious.
 Clinton: Oh.
   Agent: Sir, I think this man is senile.
 Clinton: Oh, relax. He's just an ordinary citizen. Just a
          little humourous.
Chauffer: How can this man afford to travel across the country?
 Clinton: He can afford it, after all he has a family that once
          loved him and he planned to save all his birthday
          money so he could run away from home.
Chauffer: That dosen't make any sense.
 Clinton: It's a joke.
          [the Secret Service Agent and Chauffer bust up
          How often do you see a Secret Service Agent?
     Abe: I did once back in sixty-three.
 Clinton: Okay. Climb aboard.
          [Abe climbs in the car and sits beside Clinton]
          Oh, careful where you sit.
     Abe: I will. Ooops. [he spills a coffee on the seat]
 Clinton: Oh, well. Accidents happen.
     Abe: Yes, sir. I know that.
 Clinton: You sure are a smart, young man.
     Abe: Did you call me young? [they start to drive away]
 Clinton: That's right.
     Abe: That means I am a good strong man.
          [the car drives off into the distance]
          You hear that America? I'm young. I'm young!
          [he moons the people behind him, but we can barely
          see much]
 Clinton: Fight the power, young man.
[End of Act II]

Act III.

The next day in Springfield, Homer wakes up in his workstation.
Homer: Oh, man. What am I going to tell Lenny? I killed his
       best friend. I better not look suspicious. [pause]
       Ah ha. Now I know what to do.
       [puts a stupid smile on his face]
Marge wonders about Grampa.
   Marge: I wonder where Grampa is. He's not in Springfield.
          Maybe he's in Shelbville. [she calls 913]
Operator: Thank you for calling nine one three. For a murder in
          progress, press one. For a house fire, dial two. For
          a robbery, press three. For an abuse victim, press
          four. For a missing person, press five.
          [Marge presses five]
          The following people are missing:
          [you can't really make it out because Marge is doing
          her TM "Mmmm..."]
          Mr. Snrub, Phil Hartman, Miscellanious Man, Nelson
          Muntz, Bort Sampson, Frederic Briere, John Frink,
          Shelbyville Manhattan, the entire army of Siberia,
          Robin Driscoll...
Abe wakes up wearing presidential pajamas.
    Abe: Whoa. Where am I?
Clinton: Welcome to Washington, D. C.
    Abe: Impressive. Where's the batroom?
Clinton: You mean the bathroom.
    Abe: No, the batroom. Aren't you Batman?
Clinton: Oh, Alfred. Come straighten out this fellow.
Homer walks through the Power plant on his way to Mr. Burns office feeling worried.
Homer's brain: I can't tell anybody I killed Stuart the duck.
               I'll be fired. I may get twenty years for this.
               What am I going to do?
        Homer: You wanted to see me Mr. Burns.
    Mr. Burns: Yes, Homer. Odd, I remembered that. It seems
               that you deserve a raise for cleaning out the
               men's washroom.
     Smithers: Mmmmm...
    Mr. Burns: Now Smithers. Don't feel bad. You'll get your's
     Smithers: But why? I'm more loyal to you than he is. In
               fact, sir, I was by your side during your kidney
               transplant. I even held your hand.
               I found that feeling so pleasant.
    Mr. Burns: You must feel proud, Simpson. Congradulations.
        Homer: Why am I getting a raise for this? All I did was
               clean up the men's room floor.
    Mr. Burns: Oh, but without that, our workers can never
               relieve pressure.
        Homer: Oh. [excited] Woo-hoo! [normal] Thank you for
               your time.
Marge is at home drinking a can of Duff [TM] Beer. She's very depressed.
  Marge: Oh, my. Grampa is gone and I can't do anything about
         [the phone rings, she burps]
Clinton: Hello, is this Mr. or Mrs. Homer Simpson of seven
         forty two Evergreen Terrace?
  Marge: This is Mr. Simpson.
Clinton: This is President Clinton. I have someone for you to
         talk to. [he hands the phone to Abe] It's your son.
    Abe: Son!
  Marge: Grampa?
    Abe: Aaaah! Oh it's you.
  Marge: Grampa, are you really in Washington?
    Abe: Yes, I am.
  Marge: How long have you been there?
    Abe: A night.
  Marge: How did you get there?
    Abe: I hit the road.
  Marge: (gasp) Grampa, you hitchiked?
    Abe: I told a man about my trip to outer space.
  Marge: You told someone about that? Grampa, it's not even
    Abe: So what. He listened. And I even payed him five
         dollars for the trouble I caused him. Now he's dead.
         I don't know how he died, but all I heard was that he
         died on the radio.
  Marge: He died on air?
    Abe: No. He died on the radio.
Homer is trying to hide on his co-workers.
Homer: Oh how could I kill Stuart?  He was so cute. I'm afraid
       Lenny will beat me up for this. Either that or kill me.
Lenny: Oh, Homer. Why do you look so worried?
Homer: Well......Lenny? I um- uh-- huh um um-- uh I uh-?
       (a quack comes from behind him) Huh?
Lenny: Stuart! How are you? I heard you drowned.
       (Stuart is wearing a cast on his leg)
       I see you broke your leg.
Homer: Oh, Stuart! Oh, thank god your alive! I thought I killed
Lenny: You kill Stuart? That's impossible.
Homer: And that's the truth.
At home, Homer arrives and Marge is steaming mad, and pointing outside.
Homer: Come on, Marge. I gotta go inside and watch Channel six
       action news with anchorman Kent Brockman.
Marge: Do you know where Grampa is?
Homer: No. Now let me through. I'll miss the news.
Marge: He's on the other side of the country.
Homer: Marge, please! I'll miss the news and it'll be your
Marge: Listen to me! Grampa is visiting the president.
Homer: Okay. So what do you want me to do?
Marge: Call up Grampa and apoligize for forgeting about him.
Homer: Who?
At the Whitehouse(TM), Grampa answers the phone
  Abe: Heeeelllllo?
Homer: Oh, dad! I'm so glad it's you.
  Abe: Oh, it's you. What do you want?
Homer: Dad, you gotta home. I'll remember about you from now
  Abe: Yeah right.
Homer: Come on dad. Please come home?
  Abe: No. The president thinks I'm young.
Homer: Dad, of course your young. I could of told you that.
  Abe: Oh really? Prove it.
Homer: Um....let's see. Your a strong fiend. You can scubadive.
       You can ski very well.
  Abe: Ha! That was a lucky guess. All I really want is for
       you to thank me for the famous stuff I did for you.
Homer: Okay, dad. I'm sorry I forgot about you.
  Abe: Wow, you remembered that you forgot. Alright, alright.
       I'll come home, you nincompoop. You old devil, you.
At the Springfield Bus station...
 Bart: Wow, Grampa. You really took the bus all the way from
       Washington, D. C.? The president must be broke. Cool!
Homer: Oh dad. Welcome home. How was your trip.
  Abe: I'll explain along the way.
On the way home Abe tells (yet another) story that goes nowhere.
Abe: On the way there, we stoped at Old MacDonald's farm. It
     didn't really look like a farm. Just a place where they
     served this thing called a Big Mac. All it was was a few
     burnt hamburgers tossed on a bun with cheese. The special
     sauce however had a lot of stuff in it. And the odd thing
     is all the ingredients in it had two E's two I's and an
     O. The rest were A's and U's. Their the words to Old
End of Act III. (Time: Not important)
During the credits, Abe continues with another story that goes no where.
  Abe: Did I tell you I drowneded a German fighter pilot? With
       my bare hands? What I did was I picked up a rock I had
       found on the ground. Of course you know I found it on
       the ground because that's where rocks come from. I then
       took that very rock and coated it with kerosene. I took
       it and through it. I still drowned the pilot, but I
       didn't even hit the jet engine, which was where I was
       supposed to hit. Instead I hit the pilot on the head. He
       crashed into a mountain and fell in the sea. I never did
       see him again because he was dead. But why would I want
       to see a Nazi you ask? Why don't you ask a Nazi
Homer: Oh dad, shut up.
  Abe: No. Now where was I?

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