Episode "6G03"

Privately Saving Homer

Fanscript

BLACKBOARD: I will not belch unless it's socially appropriate.  I will not
            bel/
COUCH SCENE: The family run to the couch, and suddenly chia plants grow
             out of the family, accompanied by a woman singing
             "Ch-ch-ch-Chia!"


ACT ONE


INT. SIMPSON HOUSE -- BATHROOM -- DAY


HOMER stares into the bathroom mirror, dully.  We see the other side of it, as
if it were a camera.


  HOMER: 8 am.  No beer.  No porn.  And no sleep till you get to work.
         [sighs]  What a life.  One day .  .  . you will get to climb the
         Sears Tower in a human fly suit.  Oh, yes.  You will.


Pause.


SFX: HOMER BELCHING


  HOMER: [sigh] I need a real pick me up.


Suddenly, Barry White music starts up.  HOMER shakes his head modestly to
the music, and starts to pick up momentum as the song progresses.
Eventually, HOMER starts to dance in front of either side of the bathroom
mirror.  This goes on for a little while.


  MARGE: (o.s.) Homer!


The music screetches to a halt.


  MARGE: (o.s.) Homer, you're going to be late!  You've been in that
         bathroom an awful long time.  Are you hearing Barry White music
         again?
  HOMER: [shouting] Uh, no honey!


DAY 13268.


INT. SIMPSON HOUSE -- DAY


On a pleasant day in Springfield, HOMER walks towards the front door,
whistling, and he puts on his clip-on tie, and then fastens it as if it
weren't a clip-on.  He grabs an attache case beside the door and opens it.
BART walks towards him, eating a bowl of cereal.


  BART: Hey, Homer, since when do you carry an attache case?
  HOMER: Since I found out more guys who hold them professionally get let
         out a half hour early.
  BART: That's so stupid.  But then again, so are you, so, have a good day!
  HOMER: [angrily muttering] Yehyouwha...


HOMER opens the door and leaves.


EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE


HOMER swings the conspicuously lightweight attache case up and down as he
walks, whistling.  Suddenly, a foaming dog jumps out at HOMER, barking.


  HOMER: AAAGH!  What the hell!?
  DOG: Brrrrrrrrrrrr...WOOF WOOF!


NED opens his front door and waves at HOMER.


  NED: Oh, howdidily-oh, neighborino!
  HOMER: Shut your craphole, Flanders!
  NED: I see you've met our new friend Ribbons!
  HOMER: Ribbons!?
  NED: Yeah!  The stray rabied dog we're nursing back to health.
  HOMER: You idiot!  You can't nurse a rabied dog back to health.
  NED: Oh, that's what you think.  We've got God on our side.


HOMER whaps the dog unconscious with his attache case.  The dog drops with
a whimper and thud.


  NED: Oh. . .dear.  Welp, let the lord be with you, Homer!
  HOMER: Go to hell, Sissy Mary.


A lid on a trashcan on the residential sidewalk rises slightly, and a
camera peers through.  From the camera's point of view, we see HOMER
scratching his butt while standing on his walkway.  HOMER notices the
trashcan and walks towards it.  He takes off the lid, revealing an actual
cameraman in the garbage can.


  HOMER: You again!?
  CAMERAMAN: Oh, hello.
  HOMER: For the last time, Pepperoni, I am *not* the father on "7th
         Heaven."  So get lost.
  CAMERAMAN: Is your neighbor?
  HOMER: [contradictively] Of cou-- [thinking] eh, yeah.  Sure he is.


HOMER puts the lid back on the trashcan, and then notices a family that
closely resembles the Simpsons family wave at HOMER from across the
street.


  FAMILY: Good morning, Homer!
  HOMER: Who the hell are you people?


All of a sudden, a huge paintbrush falls from the sky onto the street in
front of HOMER.


  HOMER: AAGH!  I'd better get out of here.


HOMER runs into his car, backs out of his driveway and speeds off.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SPRINGFIELD NUCLEAR POWER PLANT (A crow cawing is
heard)


HOMER walks into Sector-7G and rests his attache case.  He sees LENNY.


  HOMER: Hey, Lenny, what are you doing here?
  LENNY: Eh, yours is the only sector whose surveillance camera is broken.
         I got tired of looking busy, so Burnsie thinks I'm assisting you.
  HOMER: Ooh, sweet.


HOMER starts to undress, by unzipping his pants.


  LENNY: Uh, Homer, don't you think getting caught by a superviser naked
         would look a bit uncool?
  HOMER: Oh.  Yeah.


HOMER zips up again.


  HOMER: [blissfully]  Ahh, I can't wait till two weeks from now.  I'm taking
         my family to the Fiji Islands for a vacation.
  LENNY: No can do, Homer.
  HOMER: What?
  LENNY: You lost vacation time for the next five years moonlighting with
         all of those odd jobs.
  HOMER: (ANNOYED GRUNT) Hey, what's this?


HOMER picks up a note on his control panel and reads it.


  HOMER: "I'm going to get you."  [frantic] Lenny, why didn't you tell me
         I received a death threat this morning?
  LENNY: Eh, it didn't look too important.
  HOMER: How is a death threat not important?
  LENNY: Because I don't give a damn.
  HOMER: Oh.  Well, that's a point.


Suddenly, several employees carrying alcohol bottles enter HOMER's sector.
"That's The Way I Like It" blares from one of the employees' boombox.


  CARL: Viva No Camera, eh!?


INT. MR. BURNS' OFFICE


HOMER bursts through the door while Mr. Burns is writing forms on his
desk.


  HOMER: Mr. Burns, sir!  Somebody's trying to kill me!
  MR. BURNS: I'd kill you too if it wouldn't result in my breaking a
             clavicle or two.  Who are you?
  HOMER: Uh. . . Homer Simpson, sir.
  MR. BURNS: I can't be worrying about the lives of recently hired
             employees!  I'm a very busy man.
  HOMER: Yes, sir.
  MR. BURNS: Now get out!
  HOMER: Yes, sir.
  MR. BURNS: NOW!


HOMER walks out of MR. BURNS' office.  MR. BURNS pulls open a drawer, puts
a mirror on his desk and starts applying fake eyelashes.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- THE SUPERMARKET -- DAY


INT. SUPERMARKET AISLE


We close-up on the Nutrition Facts of a cereal box.  Then we see MARGE holding
two boxes of cereals and reading the sides of both of them.  We see that
one cereal is "FROSTED CHOCOLATE CAKE CEREAL" and the other is "GUMMI BEAR
MARSHMALLOW SUPREME."  MARGE "Hmms," and after a moment of thought, puts
the chocolate cake cereal box into her shopping cart.  She pushes her cart
and runs into ARTIE ZIFF, who's dressed in a green argyle sweater and
black slacks.


  MARGE: [startled] Mm!  Excuse m-- Oh. . . hi, Artie.  Long time no see.
  ARTIE: Hi, Marge!  I couldn't help following you around the store until
         I eventually caught up with you, and I must say you look dazzling.
  MARGE: Why is someone as wealthy as you shopping here?
  ARTIE: Well, my personal shopper had sort of a nervous breakdown, so I
         thought I'd give it a shot.
  MARGE: Well, I have a lot of other errands to do, so I'll see you
         around.
  ARTIE: Look, Marge, I still pine for you.  It's an everlasting love that
         will not die.
  MARGE: Oh, Artie, I'm a married woman.  I refuse to be put in an awkward
         situation unless I'm working with you!  In which case, I'd have to
         embrace and deal with it.
  ARTIE: Leave behind that vagrant of a man you call a husband!  Quit
         slumming around with common imbeciles.  Have dinner and
         cheesecake with me tonight.
  MARGE: I wouldn't have cheesecake with you if you were Mark McGwire!
         Well. . . maybe I would.  I have to go now.


MARGE pushes her cart, out of ARTIE's way, and out of the frame.


  ARTIE: You won't resist my charms!  There was a passion that just would
         not die that lugubrious night on Inspiration Point!  Like a cat's
         hairball, you can cough me up, but you'll never be rid of them!
  MARGE: [o.s.] Yeah, yeah.


EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY SCHOOLYARD -- RECESS


A couple of boys are gathered together on the schoolyard around a water
fountain, talking.


  MILHOUSE: ...So did you guys see Seinfeld last night?
  LEWIS: Yeah!  I snuck downstairs to watch a rerun last night.  It was
         the one where George was the "master of his own domain!"  [laugh]
         It was so funny 'cause I didn't understand it.
  MARTIN: I'm fascinated with humor I won't comprehend until I'm a grown man.
  MILHOUSE: Well, I thought it was about the gang purchasing slaves.  How
            about you?
  DATABASE: It was quite obviously about George registering an Internet
            domain name and IP address with InterNIC and configuring his
            web site and becoming a systems administrator.  [scoffing]
            Children.


BART walks up to the group.


  BART: Geez, all you guys need is a watercooler and boring jobs.
  MILHOUSE: Well, we *are* around a water fountain.  And, you don't call
            long division boring?
  BART: Well, anyway... [casually] any of you want to kill my Dad?
  NELSON: Why?  How much are you willing to pay?
  BART: I don't want you to KILL him!  I just wanna know.
  MARTIN: Why would we tell you if we were?
  BART: That's a good point.  But I'm banking that you guys are as stupid
        as I am.


MARTIN and DATABASE snicker wickedly together.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SIMPSONS HOUSE -- EARLY EVENING


INT. SIMPSON HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM


HOMER paces behind the couch worriedly while MARGE sits, knitting.  A box
is on the table.
        
  HOMER: Ohh, Marge, why is someone always out to get me?
  MARGE: Oh, Homey, relax.  You have a basement full of death threats,
         and someone's only tried to kill you -- twice.
  HOMER: Oh, Marge, this is different though.  I don't think they're all
         death threats.  Take this box for example.


HOMER picks up a letter from out of the parcel on the table.


  HOMER: "Dear Homer, here are some delicious boxes of non-poisonous
         doughnuts.  Love, your secret admirer.  P.S., I am going to kill
         you."  [laughs]  Oh, that secret admirer.  He's such a kidder.
  MARGE: Uhh. . . yeah.  Anyway, Homer, you'll just have to watch your back.


HOMER takes a doughnut from out of the parcel and starts to eat it when
MARGE stands up and slaps it out of his hand.


  MARGE: [warnfully] Homer!
  HOMER: What?


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- MOE'S -- EVENING


INT. MOE'S


HOMER glumly sits at a stool, drinking a beer, with BARNEY beside him.


  HOMER: Yecch.  No offense, Moe, but this is really weak beer.
  BARNEY: [slurry] Yeah, I tend to agree with Homer.  It tastes like pee.
  HOMER: How do you know what pee tastes like, Barney?
  BARNEY: Uh...*I* don't.  But. . . uh, I know others who. . . do.
  MOE: Ehh, the supply of Duff was delayed, so I had to start selling
       Budweiser.


Everyone retches.


  MOE: Well, to tell you the truth, Duff ain't no German beer neither.
  HOMER: You take that back, Moe!
  MOE: Hey, Homer, why are you so on edge?
  HOMER: Someone wants to kill me.
  MOE: Is that all?
  HOMER: How much worse could it get, Moe?
  MOE: Listen, Homer.  If I had a dime for every time some schmoe sent me
       a death threat, or at least dreamed of killing me since 1982, I could
       pay off Barney's bar tab.
  BARNEY: Dang.  I should've started coming in here back then.
  HOMER: Yeah.  I guess you're right, I shouldn't worry.  What I need is a
         little music to cheer myself up.
  MOE: There ya go, Homer.


HOMER goes to the jukebox and puts a nickel in and selects a song.  "I
Just Died (In Your Arms Tonight)" plays.


  HOMER: Hm.  Thing must be broke.


HOMER tries again.  "I Would Die For You" by Prince starts playing.  HOMER
gets nervous.


  HOMER: [nervously] Mm!!


HOMER tries again.  "Heaven" by Warrant plays.  HOMER rubs his arm in
terror, and bites his lip.  He tries again.  "You've Lost That
Loving Feeling" by the Righteous Brothers starts up.  HOMER screams and
runs out of the bar.


  MOE: Hey!  You didn't pay for this beer!


After we follow HOMER out of the bar, we see HOMER get knocked unconscious
by a tall man in a ski-mask and trenchcoat.  The man drags HOMER into a
car and drives away.


FADE OUT:


FADE IN:


EXT. STREET -- NIGHT


A while later, the man is driving down the street with great speed.  A
siren starts blaring behind him.  He stops abruptly.  CHIEF WIGGUM waddles
over to the window and taps it.


  CHIEF WIGGUM: Uh, excuse me?  Were you aware that you were speeding and 
                ran three red lights?
  MAN: Yes.
  CHIEF WIGGUM: Oh, good.  We have to make sure you're aware of that,
                y'know.  It's the law and everything.
  MAN: Good night.
  CHIEF WIGGUM: Hey, wait a minute.  What's in the sack in your backseat?
  MAN: Gardening tools.
  CHIEF WIGGUM: Oh.  And why are you wearing a ski mask?
  MAN: I'm going skiing.
  CHIEF WIGGUM: Fair enough.  Why's a gun on the other seat?
  MAN: I'm deer-hunting.
  CHIEF WIGGUM: I see.  What's with all the rope?
  MAN: I'm going mountain-climbing as well.
  CHIEF WIGGUM: And the lead pipe?
  MAN: It's a mast.  I'm going boating.
  CHIEF WIGGUM: Why are the gardening tools moving?
  MAN: They're electric.
  CHIEF WIGGUM: That a fact?  Hm.  That makes sense.  Can't always keep up
                with progress.  Anyways, you know we have to check up on
                suspicious activity.  Seems I was way off base here.
  MAN: Yes.
  CHIEF WIGGUM: You have a good night n--


The man speeds away abruptly.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SIMPSONS HOUSE -- LATE EVENING


INT. SIMPSON HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM


LISA is looking out the window worriedly.  She walks into the family room
and joins MARGE, BART and MAGGIE.  BART is lying on the floor, while MARGE
is sitting with MAGGIE on the couch, bouncing MAGGIE on her knee.


  LISA: Mom, I'm really worried.  It's 9:30 and "World's Ugliest Porn
        Stars" is on Fox, but Dad's not home yet.
  MARGE: Maybe he's watching it at Moe's.
  BART: Not since Fox sent Moe's a Ceast and Desist letter.  They claim
        unless it's a place that can be counted as a Nielsen home, they
        can't show Fox.
  MARGE: Wow.  Then this is really scary.  I'm going to call Barney.


MARGE picks up the phone and dials.  An error message is heard.


  LADY: We're sorry.  The number you have dialed is no longer in service.
        The new number is 555-4377.
  MARGE: Barney's number is the number to Moe's?  That can't be.  [hangs up]
  BART: Mom, this is useless!  The only thing we can do in a situation
        like this is run out and destroy the school.
  MARGE: How is that going to help?
  BART: That's how they solved their problems in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
  LISA: No they didn't, Bart.
  BART: Well, then let's go rent the movie to prove one of us wrong.
  MARGE: Stop this insanity!  We've got to think clearly and figure out
         what to do.


SFX: DOORBELL


MARGE gets up and answers the door.  It's MOE.


  MARGE: Oh, hello, Moe.
  MOE: Hiya, Madge.  I've got some grave news for you.  I think I saw a
       large man drag Homer away, but the worst part is he forgot to pay
       for the three beers he drank.
  MARGE: Some stranger kidnapped Homer!?
  MOE: You're missing the big picture here.  I need ten dollars for the
       booze.
  MARGE: You only charge a dollar forty five for a beer.
  MOE: So I failed all my math classes.  Pay up.
  MARGE: We've got to find Homer!
  MOE: Well, while that is a rather unlikely and probably pointless goal
       to attempt to achieve, paying your husband's debt would be a lot
       more feasible.
  MARGE: Let me apologize in advance, but, get the hell off my property!
  MOE: Woah, woah.  Sorry, ma'am.  I'll add it to a tab.  Geez.  [walks
       away]
  MARGE: Come on, kids.  We have to go find Homer.


MARGE and the kids run out of the house.


END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- A HOTEL -- NIGHT


We see a hotel with a sign that features the state of California, and a
sign that reads "HOTEL CALIFORNIA -- Free Complimentary Pink Champagne
in the Lounge Room."


INT. HOTEL ROOM


The strange MAN has the sack with HOMER in it over his shoulder.  He
throws the sack down on the bed and unties it.  He takes HOMER to a chair
and ties him up.  HOMER starts to come to.


  HOMER: [disoriented] Augh.  My head hurts so much.  But strangely, I'm
         starting to remember information I ignored in my high school
         classes.
  MAN: Hello, Homer.
  HOMER: Ohh!  Please, don't hurt me!  My bladder gets very weak in these
         sort of situations.
  MAN: Hm.  As much as this statement undermines the image I'm trying to
       convey, I don't want to have to change your dressing, so, don't
       worry.  I won't hurt you--yet.
  HOMER: When are you gonna hurt me?
  MAN: I haven't decided yet.
  HOMER: Well, when you do, could you let me know?  I'd like to be able to
         recant for various things I've told God.
  MAN: You are going to pay dearly for what you did.
  HOMER: Okay, look, I'm sorry I sneezed on everything at that buffet
         restaurant; I'm sorry that I streaked through the Rose Parade; I'm
         sorry for the whole Gays for the Metric System arson fiasco... oh
         what the hell, I'm sorry for the past 36 years of my life.
  MAN: Are you sorry for killing my brother?
  HOMER: Wh-the...huh?
  MAN: You killed my brother Frank.
  HOMER: Frank?  Frank who?
  MAN: Grimes, you idiot.  I'm his vengeful brother Hank.
  HOMER: I didn't kill him!  I swear!  Society killed him!
  HANK: Society meaning YOU.  I located and researched his evaluation files
        at the Power Plant you slack off at.  It said, "Hard-worker.
        Shows intolerance towards various other struggling but
        satisfyingly efficent employees."  You drove him insane.
  HOMER: He was crazy long before I knew him!  He hated me for some reason.
  HANK: Maybe because you're a disgusting pig who's done nothing for nobody.
  HOMER: That's not true!  Just last week I gave a pair of underwear to
         the poor.  Of course, it was dirty and there's a huge hole in the
         front of it, but still...
  HANK: If society won't punish you for being an insufferable moron, I will.
  HOMER: You can't do this!  This is illegal!
  HANK: Don't you think I know that?  I've got nothing to live for.  I
        spent my whole life living in my brother's shadow.  His success
        was my success.  I can't tell you how long and hard I supported
        him when he was trying to get his credentials to be a nuclear
        technician.  And then here you come along, Joe Do Nothing, and
        destroy it all and take that pride away from me.  Well, I'm going
        to take something from you and your family, or else you're going
        to die. 
  HOMER: Not my Grammy!
  HANK: [sarcastic] Oh, why don't I just take your fecal matter.
  HOMER: Well, if you untie me and take me to Casa de Enchilada, that can
         be arranged.
  HANK: Shut up!
  HOMER: Sorry, sir.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- MOE'S -- LATE EVENING


INT. MOE'S


The family and MOE burst into Moe's, and MARGE abruptly stops in her
tracks and screams as she notices something.  We see what looks like HOMER
lying on his front on the floor with a knife stuck in his bloody back.


  MARGE: AAAAAAAAGH!
  MOE: Oh, don't worry about that, Paige.  It's just a dummy I made up of
       Homer, or any customer who tends to welch on their debts.  I've got
       three of Barney in the inventory room.
  BARNEY: [wistful] Do you still have the Disco Dummy, Moe?
  MOE: Yeah.  Brings back memories of when I could really kick ass.
  LISA: Oh, Mom, this is awful.  I'm so scared.
  BART: If I don't grow up with a Dad, I won't have any good material for
        my stand-up act!
  MARGE: Bart, please.  This is serious.
  LISA: It's his way of coping, Mom.
  MARGE: Hm.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- HOTEL CALIFORNIA -- MORNING


INT. HANK'S HOTEL ROOM


HANK leaves the bathroom, dressed and drying his hair with a towel.


  HANK: What's your family's phone number?
  HOMER: Why should I tell you that?
  HANK: Do you really need an answer to that question?
  HOMER: Oh, all right.  555-8707.
  HANK: Thanks.


HOMER looks over at HANK worriedly as HANK gets up, looking at HOMER all
the while and pointing the gun at him.  He moves towards the phone next to
the bed and picks it up.


INT. SIMPSON HOUSE -- KITCHEN


SFX: PHONE RINGING


MARGE runs to the phone hurriedly, and answers it.


  MARGE: [frantic] Hello!?
  HANK: Good morning.  I have a question for you.
  MARGE: Who is this?
  HANK: You'll know in a moment.  First, let me ask, how much is a
        disgusting, overweight, lobotomized pig worth to you?
  MARGE: If you pork people don't stop calling me, I'm going to call the
         authorities!
  HANK: Oh, no, this isn't the Alliance to Convert Kosher Eaters, this is
        your husband's abuctor.
  MARGE: [angrily] You monster!  Let my husband go now!
  HANK: I'll let him go one of two ways.  If you don't pay me the exact
        sum of $728,631,455 and sixty seven cents, he'll be returned in
        various little boxes, one each month over twelve months.  If you
        do, I might let this leech on society go.
  MARGE: Please!  Let my Homer go.  He's done nothing wrong.
  HANK: Hey, lady, I'll be the judge of that.  You have exactly 96 hours.
        Goodbye.  [click]
  MARGE: [gasp]


MARGE hangs up the phone and clasps her hands together frightenedly for a
considerable moment. 


SFX: PHONE RINGING


MARGE answers the phone again.


  HANK: Oh, by the way, I'm at the Hotel California downtown.  You have 96
        hours.
  MARGE: Mm.


HANK hangs up, as does MARGE.


SFX: PHONE RINGING


MARGE answers again.


  HANK: Er, and it's room #28.  You have 9--
  MARGE: Yeah, yeah.  Are you sure you aren't forgetting anything?
  HANK: Did I mention you have 96 hours?
  MARGE: Yes!
  HANK: Okay, good.  [click]


INT. SIMPSON HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM


We slowly zoom closer to MARGE, who's sitting on a couch with her hands on
her face, BART, LISA and MAGGIE, who are surrounding MARGE.


  LISA: We have to call the police, Mom.
  MARGE: We can't do that.  He'll hurt Homer.
  BART: Well we can't just sit here doing nothing.
  MARGE: If Chief Wiggum thought that way, I'd actually consider calling him.
  LISA: We have to get that money.  How much did he say it was?
  MARGE: Well at first I didn't write it down.  But an hour later the man
         called back and repeated it so I could take it down.  [reading
         off a notepad] It's seven hundred and twenty eight million, six
         hundred and thirty one thousand, four hundred and fifty five
         dollars and sixty seven cents.
  LISA: Ugh.  I get the sneaking suspicion I'm going to be going to
        college at that shanty university run by Dr. Nick Riviera's brother.
  BART: Cool.
  LISA: How are we ever going to pay that in 96 hours, Mom?
  MARGE: [dismal] I. . . don't know.  But we have to try to do something.


SFX: DOORBELL RINGING


MARGE gets up to answer the door.  It's ARTIE ZIFF.


  MARGE: Artie, look, this is a really bad time.
  ARTIE: Marge, hear me out. . . uh, is your husband home?
  MARGE: No, Artie!  He's been kidnapped.  Happy?
  ARTIE: [insincere] No.  No I am not.  I am shattered.  Wanna have dinner?
  MARGE: Does it look like I want to have dinner!?
  ARTIE: You may never see him again.  I figure women on the rebound are
         nice and easy and vulnerable.  In fact, that's how I lost my
         virginity.  It's. . . sad, really.
  MARGE: I have to pay a ridiculous sum of money to get my husband back in
         a ridiculously short time span, so you will excuse me if I'm not
         in the mood for wine and cheese.
  ARTIE: How much do you have to pay?
  MARGE: Oh, I don't know.  Seven hundred and something million dollars.
  ARTIE: I'll give it to you.
  MARGE: Oh, sure.
  ARTIE: Just listen to me.  If you would be willing to give me the
         pleasure of one dinner alone together, I would help you save your
         husband.
  MARGE: Oh, I don't know, Artie.
  ARTIE: Look, it's your choice.  Take it or leave it.


We close in on MARGE, who looks around thoughtfully.


  MARGE: [sigh] All right, Artie.
  ARTIE: [smarmy] Marvelous!  I'm afraid my schedule is tight so I will
         have to meet you at the street corner where the restaurant is.
  MARGE: Why can't you meet me at the restaurant?
  ARTIE: It goes against what's in my dating rulebook.
  MARGE: Oh, brother.
  ARTIE: This will be wonderful.  Put on something smashing.  Nice and
         short-cut and revealing.
  MARGE: Fine, whatever.  Just go away.
  ARTIE: See you at dinner, Marge!


MARGE slams the door.  MARGE goes back in the living room, glaring.


  MARGE: Kids, I have to go out with Artie tonight.  It just may save Homer.
  BART: Now there's irony for you.
  LISA: What if he doesn't pay?
  MARGE: That's the risk I'm going to have to take.


MARGE storms out of the room and up the stairs.


  LISA: We've got to try and help.
  BART: I agree.  Where can we get an assload of money, fast?
  LISA: How should I know?
  BART: What about Shelley Greenburg?
  LISA: What about her?
  BART: Get some money off her, man.
  LISA: Oh, sure.  Just that simple.
  BART: If you guys become good friends, she's bound to wanna help you
        out.  Meanwhile, me and a bunch of hothead kids are going to break
        Dad out.
  LISA: Bart, are you sure that's a good idea?  Do you think they'd agree?
  BART: Hey, I once made some of them bathe in donkey mess.
  LISA: Ew.
  BART: I can get them to help me bust Dad out.
  LISA: But people could get hurt--
  BART: Yeah, but that's neither here nor there.  I'm pumped so let's get
        going.
  LISA: [sigh] All right.  I just know this is going to get way out of hand.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SHELLEY'S HOUSE -- LATE AFTERNOON


EXT. SHELLEY'S DOORSTEP


LISA rings the doorbell and waits for an answer.  SHELLEY's father
answers.


  SHELLEY'S DAD: Oh, hello.
  LISA: Hi, Mr. Greenburg.  Is your daughter here?
  SHELLEY'S DAD: Yes.  Who should I say is here?
  LISA: Lisa Simpson.
  SHELLEY'S DAD: Lisa?  Aren't you the violent child who was raised naked by
                 wild animals?
  LISA: Uh, no, sir.
  SHELLEY'S DAD: Oh, must've been another Lisa.  [calling]  SHELLEY!  Lisa
                 is here to see you.


SHELLEY'S DAD steps away from the doorway and soon, SHELLEY appears before
LISA.


  SHELLEY: Hello, Lisa.
  LISA: Hi, Shelley.  Can I come in?
  SHELLEY: Why?  Do you have a weapon?
  LISA: [raising a rope with both hands] Just a jumpro--
  SHELLEY: AAH!  SHE'S TRYING TO STRANGLE ME!
  LISA: Hey, hey!  Calm down!  I just came to play.  That's all.
  SHELLEY: [calming down] Oh.  I see.  Well, come on in.


INT. SHELLEY'S BEDROOM


The door opens and SHELLEY and LISA walk into a luxuriously large bedroom
with a roofed bed.  It is lavishly decorated.


  LISA: Wow.  This is a beautiful room.
  SHELLEY: An entire Ethiopian village could be fed with half the things
           in here.
  LISA: Gee.
  SHELLEY: Why do you want to play?
  LISA: I like you, Shelley.
  SHELLEY: Oh.
  LISA: I figured after Scott's party you like me too.
  SHELLEY: Oh.  Well, I've made several friends now.  I don't exactly need
           to talk to you.
  LISA: [biting her tongue] How wonderful for you.
  SHELLEY: If we became friends, I could take you to my hairstylist.  I'm
           sure if he saw you he'd agree with me when I told him you were
           ugly, and he could help you.
  LISA: You talk about me to your hairstylist!?
  SHELLEY: Just him and my dentist.  Do you mind?
  LISA: Heck yeah I-- I mean. . . no, not all that much.
  SHELLEY: Would you like to see the cashmere outfits five of my Malibu
           Stacey dolls imported directly from Malaysia wear?
  LISA: [insincere] Just try and stop me!


INT. PATTY & SELMA'S APARTMENT -- AFTERNOON


MARGE sits on the couch in front of the TV holding MAGGIE, who sucks on
her pacifier.


  ANNOUNCER: We'll be right back to "Dear God, No, Please, Oh God, Not My
             Baby, No," on the Hear Me Roar Channel.


On the TV, we cut to a commercial where a man and woman in their mid-20s
romp and frolic through the green fields and then they join each other's
hands with some soft piano music playing.


  ANNOUNCER: Love.  It can be found in the meadow, it can be found in your
             office, but it most certainly can be found in genital herpes.
  MARGE: Eh!?


The shot changes to the man and woman sitting next to each other on a
couch, the man with his arm around the couch behind the woman.


  WOMAN: The only thing I can think of that's worse than those itchy yeast
         infections is genital herpes disease.
  MAN: Genital herpes makes my jock itch worse than it ever was before.
  WOMAN: That's why I use Vagimoist.  The cream for herpes, yeast
         infections, crabs, and all sorts of unpleasantness regarding my
         genitals.
  MAN: Or for me, the extra medicated Penillax.
  WOMAN: Genital herpes is something you should share with your spouse, it
         shouldn't be a horrible, embarassing personal secret that nobody
         needs to know about.


While toothily smiling, the MAN scratches his crotch thoughtlessly.


  MARGE: Why is it whenever I need some good resources from this channel I
         always get the herpes commercial?


PATTY and SELMA walk into the living room, SELMA with a tray of
sandwiches.


  PATTY: Marge, I'm sorry.  We're all out of bean curd casserole.  It's a
         choice between alfalfa sprout sandwiches or cookie dough
         sandwiches.
  MARGE: Uh. . .I'll take the latter.
  SELMA: Why do you want to go out with Artie?  Are you starting to
         realize how boring the monotony of your life is?
  MARGE: [bitterly] Let she who does not work at the DMV cast the first
         stone, Selma.
  PATTY: You seem uptight.
  MARGE: I have to go out with a self-centered, arrogant and predatory
         egomaniac who mauled me like some sort of sex-starved cougar.
  SELMA: We all get urges.
  PATTY: We do?
  MARGE: I'm only doing this for my husband's sake.  Artie had a few
         specifications for this little date, and I figured one of you
         would have something tight, tasteless and inappropriate for me to
         wear.
  SELMA: Hm.  I'm deeply insulted, but we can help you out.


EXT. STREET


MARGE gets out from the other side of a taxi that isn't facing the screen.


  MARGE: Thanks for the ride.
  CABBIE: Bite me, slut.
  MARGE: [angrily] Hrmrmrm.


MARGE shuts the door and the car drives away.  MARGE is revealed to be
wearing a leather red strapless dress with a considerably high hemline.
She has black stockings on and red stilletto heals.  She stands at the
street corner, looking unsure of herself and holds a cigarette-holder in
her fingers.


INT. SHELLEY'S BEDROOM


LISA sits on the side of SHELLEY's bed, resting her elbows on her knees
with her hands on her cheeks, looking bored and slightly annoyed as
SHELLEY walks to and fro.


  SHELLEY: ...And here's the framed photo of Springfield Heights, 90210's
           Corey giving me a kiss on the cheek.  It has his autograph, too.
  LISA: Heh.  Wow.  That's. . . great, Shelley.
  SHELLEY: I bet you've never met anyone important.
  LISA: Perhaps not.  Who cares?
  SHELLEY: [timidly] You needn't be rude, Lisa!
  LISA: [mildly insincere] Oh, I'm sorry.  Have any games we can play?


SFX: PHONE RINGING


  SHELLEY: Just a minute, Lisa.  I have to answer the phone.  [answers the
           phone]  Sydney?  . . . Yeah!  I keep telling you to call my new
           cell number.  . . .  Oh, not much, just entertaining a country
           girl with my things.  . . . Yeah, the ugly one.


LISA glares at SHELLEY and walks around her room.  LISA notices in a
corner far away from SHELLEY SHELLEY's shelf, which has a jar on it
stuffed with cash.  LISA approaches the jar, and gapes in awe at it and
takes the lid off, looking at the pile with astonishment.


  SHELLEY: LISA!


LISA switches her head around.


  LISA: [gasp]


END OF ACT TWO


ACT THREE


INT. HANK'S HOTEL ROOM -- AFTERNOON


HOMER, after a moment, notices a knife on the bed and hops on his chair
backwards to get a hold of the knife.  He cuts his restrictive ropes, and
discards them.  He gets up and sneaks over to the bathroom.


SFX: GUN COCKING


We see HANK at the front door with a grocery bag, and a gun pointed at
HOMER.


  HANK: Going somewhere, Homer?
  HOMER: I'm just going to the bathroom!
  HANK: I'll assist you, then.
  HOMER: Hm.  This would be an arousing concept if you weren't a hairy,
         homicidal maniac.
  HANK: A proposition for you, Homer.  I'll go in there with you, or I'll
        shoot you.
  HOMER: That's not a proposition, that's a threat.
  HANK: Some thesauruses render them synonymous.  Here.


HANK tosses HOMER a thesaurus, which he catches.  HOMER looks up
"Proposition."  The only synonym is "Threat."


  HOMER: I guess it can wait.
  HANK: It's going to be so much fun wasting you.  Then I can come to your
        funeral and sleep through it.
  HOMER: What if a chambermaid finds me in here like this?  What will you
         do, then?
  HANK: Chambermaid?  Please.
  HOMER: Listen, Hank, I can admit that I made some mistakes.  I know I'm
         not perfect, but this isn't the way to make it right.
  HANK: You don't have any clue why I'm doing this.
  HOMER: Sure I--
  HANK: No, you don't really understand me.  Not really.  You didn't
        understand my brother, either.
  HOMER: [pleading] Please, give me a chance to try!  I'm really a good
         person!
  HANK: How do you expect me to believe that?  You have the sensitivity of
        a blind lobster.
  HOMER: Hm.  Accurate metaphor.
  HANK: The only way I'll consider you an asset to me or my brother
        is if I get the ransom money I'm demanding.  In the meantime,
        you're mine.
  HOMER: Well, could I go to the bathroom now?
  HANK: [sighs] All right, fine.  But make it quick and noisy.


EXT. STREET -- LATE AFTERNOON


In front of a building with a yellow sign that reads "Denney's," BART and
several other children gather in front of it.  There is an obscure sign
that reads "Loitering Encouraged!" on the building.


  MILHOUSE: Why are we all here at Denney's, Bart?  Are you trying to
            poison us?
  SHERRI: [nervously] Yeah!  We could get shot.
  BART: Oh, please.  Nobody shoots anyone at this Denney's.  People get
        stabbed to death, but not shot.
  MARTIN: [genuine] Ooh, that's a relief.
  BART: Something terrible has happened.  Some insane maniac kidnapped my
        Dad for ransom and now we don't know how to rescue him.  So I
        figured we could get together and save him.
  MILHOUSE: Does he have a gun?
  BART: Probably.
  MILHOUSE: Is he insane?
  BART: Probably.
  MILHOUSE: Is this dangerous?
  BART: Probably.
  MILHOUSE: Is he insane?
  BART: You already asked that!
  MILHOUSE: I was hoping for some false reassurance.
  SHERRI: Why should we risk our lives for him?  Your father is not nearly
          as attractive as Milhouse's.
  MILHOUSE: [prideful] Heeyah, they say I get my big nose from him.
  SHERRI: Gyro has a big nose?
  BART: Would you risk dying for someone really popular?
  MILHOUSE: Sure!
  BART: Well, I'm really popular.
  LEWIS: Hey, he's right!
  NELSON: Let's go for it!
  BART: Excellent.  Okay, Nelson, you're in charge of kicking ass wherever
        ass needs to be kicked.  Milhouse, you're in charge of spontaneous
        wetting on yourself.  Lewis, you're the token black guy, and Martin,
        you're the girlie person who always trips when we're trying to be
        quiet and gets caught by the bad guy, conveniently unable to run away
        or defend yourself.
  SHERRI: Isn't that my position?
  BART: That's in case Martin can't handle it.
  SHERRI: Oh.
  MARTIN: Yippy skippy!


INT. SHELLEY'S BEDROOM -- LATE AFTERNOON


SHELLEY glares at LISA and crosses her arms.


  LISA: Honest, Shelley!  I wasn't trying to steal anything!
  SHELLEY: You were, too.  You're a liar and a terrible dresser.
  LISA: What do my clothes have to do with anything?
  SHELLEY: Just because you'll never have this much money in your whole
           life, you want to rob me.  Well, you will pay me back by
           fetching me enough candy and toys to make up the money you stole.
  LISA: I didn't steal any money, though.
  SHELLEY: Well, that isn't important.
  LISA: It isn't??
  SHELLEY: If you don't want to go to jail, you'll do as I say.
  LISA: I can't afford that much candy or toys!
  SHELLEY: Then get them any way you can.
  LISA: You mean, stealing?
  SHELLEY: Don't finish my sentences.
  LISA: I am not stealing.
  SHELLEY: Then I'll tell the police.  They'll find your fingerprints all
           over the jar.
  LISA: You want me to steal to avoid going to jail for stealing?
  SHELLEY: Exactly.
  LISA: What if I get caught?
  SHELLEY: Well, that's too bad.
  LISA: This doesn't make any sense.
  SHELLEY: I didn't ask you for logic, Einstein.  Now get going.
           You will report to me.


LISA looks worried and scared.


EXT. STREET -- NIGHT


MARGE continues to stand on the corner, still looking unsure of herself.
She looks at her watch, a bit puzzled.


SFX: POLICE SIREN


A police car pulls up.  CHIEF WIGGUM gets out of the car.


  MARGE: [corgially] Oh, hello, Chief Wiggum.
  WIGGUM: Hey, is that you, Marge?
  MARGE: Yes, it is.
  WIGGUM: Wow, I didn't know you were a prostitute.
  MARGE: [shocked] What!?
  WIGGUM: I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you and take you into
          custody.
  MARGE: I am not a prostitute!
  WIGGUM: Then why are you standing on this corner in all those tight clothes?
  MARGE: Because a man is going to give me a lot of money I need to go out
         with and arouse him.
  WIGGUM: You know, the written law stipulates that you can not stand on a
          street corner for longer than 3 minutes, and I quote, "wearing a
          tight, short, strapless, red, leather dress and black stockings,"
          otherwise you will be cited as an illegal sexual solicitor.
  MARGE: That is absurd and completely unconstitutional!
  WIGGUM: Don't you know anything about the law?
  MARGE: [realizing] Hm.  Good point.
  WIGGUM: Oh, boy.  I haven't been this shocked since I found my wife working
          this corner.


WIGGUM starts to cuff MARGE.


  MARGE: Hey, wait!
  WIGGUM: You have a lot of rights which, if you ever saw a movie, you'd
          know yourself.  Get in the car.


INT. KWIK-E-MART -- NIGHT


LISA wrings her hands together while looking up at the Kwik-E-Mart.


  LISA: Well. . . years and years of expecting to be taken advantage of
        has at least made Apu a little more non-observant.  [sigh]  I
        can't believe I'm doing this.


LISA walks into the Kwik-E-Mart.  We cut to an establishing shot of the
store, indicating a progression of time.


INT. KWIK-E-MART


LISA is guiltily holding an armful of candy bars and other kinds of candy
while facing APU, who is behind the counter.


  APU: I can't believe you would do such a thing, Lisa!  I also can't
       believe how bad you are at it.
  LISA: [nervously apologetic] Oh, I'm so sorry, Apu--
  APU: Sorry is not good enough to make up for the buck eighty nine-worth
       of candy you tried to steal, young lady.
  LISA: Well, I could pay for it right now.  [realizing]  A dollar eighty
        nine for this much candy!?  How can that be?


LISA looks at a specially marked candy wrapper, and sees a Pac-man contest
promo.


  LISA: Hm.
  APU: Considering you had the decency and common courtesy not to shoot
       me, I suppose I would be satisfied with you paying your debt by
       being my doorman.
  LISA: Why do you need a doorman?
  APU: Because I'm tired of being the one who gets shot.  Here, put this on.


APU tosses LISA a Kwik-E-Mart uniform t-shirt that reads "LOOT US, BUT
DON'T SHOOT US".


  LISA: How come it's available in my size?
  APU: Because Jamshed wore this before he started school.
  LISA: How long do I have to do this?
  APU: Oh, two days.
  LISA: [sigh] Okay.
  APU: Or two months, depending on how used to this arrangement I get.


EXT. KWIK-E-MART


LISA stands at the front door, smiling half-heartedly at everyone who
walks by.  She is wearing the Kwik-E-Mart t-shirt over her red dress.  AGNES
SKINNER approaches the store with a cane and a purse hanging off her wrist.


  LISA: Hi.  Welcome to the Kwik-E-Mart.  Enjoy our jumbo 77 cent boxes of
        microwave eggs benedict.
  AGNES: [sweetly] Well, hello there, door girl.  [nastily]  Keep your
         hands off my purse!  You'll have to pry it out of my cold, dead
         hands.


AGNES swings the purse, smacking LISA, before she walks into the store.
JIMBO approaches the store.


  LISA: Hi.  Welcome to the Kwik-E-Mart, where you get a free shaving razor
        for every meat product you buy.
  JIMBO: Chew me, door girl.


JIMBO hits LISA on the head with his fist and enters the store, laughing.


  LISA: [annoyedly] Ugh.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SIMPSONS HOUSE -- NIGHT


INT. SIMPSON HOUSE -- KITCHEN


MAGGIE sits on the middle of the kitchen floor, playing with her squeaky
bunny toy while sucking on her pacifier.  She gets up and crawls across
the floor.  SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER is licking from a small puddle of glue
from an overturned bottle on the floor.  MAGGIE climbs up a chair
conveniently located in front of the refrigerator and opens the
refrigerator door.  She peeks through and starts tossing out various food
items before she finds a jar of baby food.  She pulls it out and puts it
on her lap.  The lid in actuality is another red pacifier.  She smiles and
gasps with surprise, spitting out her pacifier and putting the other
pacifier in.


SFX: DOORBELL RINGING


MAGGIE jumps from the chair, the baby food bottle crashing to the ground
and food spilling out, and crawls across the kitchen floor, avoiding the swiss
army knife on the floor.


INT. SIMPSON HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM


MAGGIE crawls across the floor, avoiding the gun and hacksaw on the floor.
The front door is ajar, and MAGGIE opens the door.  GRAMPA is at the door.


  GRAMPA: Hi, Maggie!  It's your Grampa!  I'm sorry I'm late.  I was awful
          busy with the epilepsy attack.
  MAGGIE: [suck, suck]
  GRAMPA: Where's your brother?  Your mother said he'd be here.
  MAGGIE: [suck, suck]
  GRAMPA: What's the matter?  Cat got your tongue?  When in Sam Hill are
          you gonna say something?


MAGGIE removes her pacifier and opens her mouth.


  GRAMPA: Ooh!  She's gonna say something.


MAGGIE just spits up all over GRAMPA's shoes.


  GRAMPA: Dang nabbit!  Oh well.


GRAMPA picks up MAGGIE and walks across the living room and sits down on
the couch, putting MAGGIE on his lap.


  GRAMPA: Well now, little Maggie, your Grampa is gonna tell you some
          soothing stories so you can go to sleep.  Ever hear the one
          about my accidental pap smear and estrogen dosage?  Ooh, they
          had to overdose my pills that time.  Oh, and I don't think I
          talked about the time I lost three teeth all at once.  Just
          remember, Maggie, never to get into a fight at a longshoreman's
          bar at the age of 59.  Oh, and did I ever talk about the free
          rectal exam at the retirement home?


MAGGIE sucks her pacifier and looks up at GRAMPA, a little disturbed.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- HOTEL CALIFORNIA -- NIGHT


EXT. HOTEL CALIFORNIA


BART, MILHOUSE, NELSON, SHERRI, MARTIN and LEWIS creep around the entrance
of the hotel.


  MARTIN: Bartholomew, why are we tiptoeing?
  BART: I dunno.  It's what people do when they're doing something
        dangerous.  And don't ever call me Bartholomew.
  SHERRI: I'm scared.
  BART: Oh, come on.  It's just a hotel entrance.  It can't hurt you.
        Only the insane murderer might.  At any rate, we're going in.


INT. HOTEL CALIFORNIA CHECK-IN LOBBY


At the counter, a snobby-looking clerk with a gigantic and stuck-up nose
turns around and faces the children.  He has a thick British accent.


  CLERK: Yees?
  BART: How do I get to room 28?
  CLERK: The master occupying that particular room does not wish to be
         disturbed.
  BART: I'll bet he doesn't.  Well, um, how would I get to room 27?
  CLERK: Oh, that's a different matter altogether.
  BART: Uh huh.
  CLERK: Go up those stairs, take a left and then go up the next flight of
         stairs.
  BART: Thanks!
  CLERK: Oh, thank yoou!


The children start on their way.


  BART: Twit.


INT. ROOMS 20-30 HALLWAY


The children walk along the hallway, looking around.  BART spies room 28,
and stops before the door.  He takes a deep breath.


  BART: All right, guys.  This is when us boys -- become men.
  SHERRI: What about me?
  BART: Well, um, pretend you're becoming a man then.  Who knows, you
        might grow something.
  SHERRI: All right.


BART opens the door.  Nobody is there.


  BART: What!?
  MILHOUSE: [gasp]
  BART: He said room 28!  Yet, it is not room 28.
  MARTIN: I believe we are the victims of false information.
  BART: We should split up.  Whoever catches the guy, yell "He's coming
        right for us!"
  LEWIS: Why should we say that?
  BART: Because it's what they always say in rescue movies.  Don't forget
        to tell the guy "You'll never get away with it."


INT. ROOMS #30-40 HALLWAY


MILHOUSE runs through the hallway until he comes upon room #38.  He opens
the door, to find a guy with whipped cream all over his chest on a
vibrating bed with nothing but socks and shorts on, and LUANN in a black
leather dominatrix outfit with a riding crop.


  MILHOUSE: MOM!?
  LUANN: Milhouse!


LUANN slams the door.  After a moment, she opens it up again.


  LUANN: Don't forget to brush your teeth tonight, Milly-poo.


LUANN closes the door again.  MILHOUSE just stares blankly with his mouth
open.


INT. ROOMS #10-20 HALLWAY


MARTIN, LEWIS and NELSON run around the hallway, each opening a hotel room
door.  MARTIN opens a door, and a woman screams.  LEWIS opens a door, and
an attack rotweiler growls at him.  NELSON opens a door and several shoes
are thrown at him.  They each close a door and meet together.


  MARTIN: Fellas, I think we'll get no where like this.
  NELSON: Yeah, and that steel-toed boot really hurt.
  LEWIS: What should we do?
  MARTIN: Look, fellas.  A dumbwaiter!


We see a dumbwaiter in the wall.


  NELSON: So?
  MARTIN: Maybe the man took Bart's father down there.
  LEWIS: Isn't Mr. Simpson a bit too fat to fit in a dumbwaiter?
  MARTIN: There's only one way to find out.


We cut to MARTIN and LEWIS sitting in the dumbwaiter and NELSON holding
onto the lowering ropes in front of it.


  MARTIN: Now, remember, Nelson, gently lower us down.


NELSON punches MARTIN.


  MARTIN: Ow!  What was that for?
  NELSON: Nothing.  I just didn't want to feel like I was missing an
          opportunity to smack you around.


NELSON works the ropes, and MARTIN and LEWIS are gradually lowered in the
dumbwaiter.  Suddenly, a chambermaid with wildly undone hair and a
tired face appears behind NELSON.


  CHAMBERMAID: Young man!  How many times do we have to tell you kids not
               to play with the dumbwaiter?
  NELSON: But, ma'am, we've never been here before.
  CHAMBERMAID: That's what they always say.


The CHAMBERMAID smacks NELSON on the head, and he lets go of the rope and 
falls onto the floor, causing MARTIN and LEWIS to drop rapidly with the
dumbwaiter, followed by their screams.


  CHAMBERMAID: I'm going to vacuum your hair with my dustbuster, and then
               you'll learn.
  NELSON: Are you insane!?
  CHAMBERMAID: Yes.


The CHAMBERMAID turns on the dustbuster and, from NELSON'S P.O.V., walks
slowly towards NELSON with it.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SPRINGFIELD POLICE STATION -- NIGHT


INT. SPRINGFIELD POLICE STATION


MARGE is sitting clumsily at a chair in front of WIGGUM's desk while
holding her red purse.


  MARGE: Please, Chief, you have to listen to me.  A horrible man has
         kidnapped my husband.  I was only out there because I was waiting
         for my old high school acquiantance Artie Ziff to pick me up for
         a date because I had to go out with him to pay for my husband's
         ransom.
  WIGGUM: Oh, right.  That's the oldest, most abused excuse in the book.  "Oh,
          I had to exhibit myself on the street and have sex with strange
          Italian tycoons to get enough ransom money for my kidnapped
          husband."  "Oh, Chief, I was only performing an emergency triple
          bypass surgery with that switchblade."  "Oh, Chief, I only
          sprayed pepperspray in his eyes because he was trying to violently
          assault me."  Well, I've had enough of people telling lies.


LOU walks up to WIGGUM scratching his head.


  LOU: Hey, Chief, Eddie shot a *non*-little person who, uh, wasn't
       surrendering, and, uh, we had all the evidence we needed.
  WIGGUM: That's some good work, Lou.  Hey, Lou, could you excuse us for a
          moment?
  LOU: Uh, sure, Chief.


LOU walks away.


  WIGGUM: Uh, listen. . . I'd be willing to let this whole matter slide,
          if uh. . .
  MARGE: What?
  WIGGUM: Well, you've gotta be awful good if you're charging money for
          services.  I guess what I'm trying to say is I wanna see for
          myself.  I got a hefty bonus this year.
  MARGE: [indignant] Chief Wiggum!  I am both disgusted and mortified!
         You're a married man!  I'm a married woman!  This is completely
         out of the question.  As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to
         throw up.
  WIGGUM: Aw, come on.  All the cops do it.


EXT. STREET -- NIGHT


We cut to a flashback of a cop with a gag in his mouth and his hands
cuffed behind his back.  He is dressed in a tight, sexy blue dress with
blue high heels on.  He's sitting on the ground in an alley on the side of
his police car.  A blonde woman with heavy make-up on is wearing his
uniform and sitting in the police car, holding the door open.


  WOMAN: This time, I'll be the good cop, and you'll be the baaad girl.
  COP: [gagged mumbling]


The WOMAN slams the door and drives off.


INT. SPRINGFIELD POLICE STATION


WIGGUM crawls onto the desk in front of MARGE.


  MARGE: No!
  WIGGUM: Aw, come on.  Just one little kiss?  I've had all of my shots!


MARGE grimaces and looks around.  She finds a billystick and hits WIGGUM
across the head with it, knocking him out.  MARGE gets up with her purse,
primps her hair and walks away.


EXT. KWIK-E-MART -- NIGHT


SHELLEY and Shelley's father approach the Kwik-E-Mart.  SHELLEY grins with
amusement at LISA.


  LISA: Hi.  Welcome to the-- SHELLEY!
  SHELLEY: Hi, Lisa.
  SHELLEY'S DAD: Oh, hello, Miss Lisa.
  SHELLEY: Did you bring me my candy?


LISA glares at SHELLEY.


  LISA: I got caught.
  SHELLEY: Wow.  You're really bad at this.
  LISA: Nevermind that.  This is all your fault.  I didn't take any of
        your money and I didn't want to.  I wish you would straighten this
        out.  It's nearly 11 o'clock at night and my Dad is still in
        danger.  I don't have time to be doing this.
  APU: (o.s.) Get back to work, little door girl!  Tell them about our
       artificial imitation beef jerky and then shut up and leave them
       alone!
  SHELLEY'S DAD: What is she talking about, Shelley?
  SHELLEY: I have no idea.
  LISA: Mr. Greenburg, while I was in Shelley's bedroom, I looked at her
        money jar and she accused me of stealing her money.  Then she made
        me steal candy and toys or else she said she'd call the police.
  SHELLEY'S DAD: Shelley, I'm surprised at you.  Have me and your mother
                 taught you nothing?
  SHELLEY: It was mother who gave me the idea.
  SHELLEY'S DAD: [sigh]  Don't you worry, little Lisa.  Nobody here is
                 going to be calling the police.
  LISA: Yeah, but I'm still stuck here!
  SHELLEY: Well, then maybe you shouldn't have tried to steal Apu's candy.
           Come along, father.
  LISA: Yeah but--


SHELLEY and Shelley's father walk into the Kwik-E-Mart.  LISA glares and
pulls off the shirt, then discards it.


  LISA: Forget this.  I have to go to that hotel.


INT. HANK'S HOTEL ROOM


We see a picture of FRANK GRIMES with his nuclear physics degree.  HANK is
revealed to be staring at it while sitting on the bed.  HOMER is tied to
the chair again, except the chair is in front of the bed.  HOMER
nervously looks behind himself trying to look at HANK.


  HANK: [sigh] I wonder what kind of man you would've grown to be.
  HOMER: Hank. . .?
  HANK: Shut up!
  HOMER: Hank, listen. . . I can admit I'm a little thick in the head
         sometimes, but I can see what you're going through.  [bargaining] 
         I wouldn't even tell the police if you let me go.
  HANK: I can't let you go, Homer.
  HOMER: Why?
  HANK: I'm a big screw-up.  But not because I never tried to think for
        myself like you.  But because everything I ever worked to achieve
        just blew up in my face.  My brother's life was crap in the same
        way.  I guess eventually he became luckier.


HANK turns around to face HOMER.


  HANK: This is the only thing I might be a success at.
  HOMER: But Hank, you could go to jail!
  HANK: I don't care anymore.  I. . . just don't care.


Just then, BART barges through the door.


  BART: All right, creep!  The jig is up.  [to himself]  Thank God it's
        the right room and not another undressing lady.
  HOMER: Bart!  No!
  BART: Dad!  Don't worry, me and the others will save you.  Right, guys?
        [realizing]  Guys?  Oh crap.  I think it probably would've been
        wise to keep tabs on my posse.
  HOMER: [angrily] Bart!  How could you do something so stupid?
  BART: Well, I am my father's son.
  HOMER: Why you little--


HOMER tries to move, but the ropes restrict him.


  HOMER: Oh nuts.


HANK grabs the gun and points it at BART, getting up.


  HANK: Looks like I've got another hostage.


BART gets a scared look on his face and gulps.  MILHOUSE is walking around
the hallway when he hears voices.  He quietly moves over to the opened
door of room #28 and peeks in through the doorway.


  HANK: ...now close the door!
  BART: Yes, your evil insaneliness.


MILHOUSE gasps and quickly presses the back of his body up against the
wall outside the door.  BART closes the door.


  MILHOUSE: I have to call the police.  This is what being a useless
            sidekick is all about!


INT. ROOMS #30-40 HALLWAY


NELSON, who's hair is frizzed and completely messed up, works the ropes of
the dumbwaiter to pull MARTIN and LEWIS back up, who are black and dusty.


  NELSON: HA-ha!
  MARTIN: That wasn't funny, Nelson!
  NELSON: Ah stick it.
  MARTIN: I mean, that really hurt!
  NELSON: Oh, quit whining.  This was your stupid idea in the first place.
  LEWIS: No matter.  I think we need to regroup so we can actually get
         somewhere.


MILHOUSE runs up to the kids.


  MILHOUSE: You guys, Bart found Mr. Simpson.  They're in room #28 and the
            guy has Bart hostage, too!
  NELSON: [gasp] But only I'm supposed to pound the pee out of him!
  MILHOUSE: I called the police.  I think things are gonna be under
            control.


EXT. HOTEL CALIFORNIA


Several police cars have lined up around the hotel.  Sirens are blaring
and special S.W.A.T. teams are walking about.  WIGGUM staggers to the
front of the cars.  LOU and EDDIE walk beside him.


  EDDIE: Hey, Chief, are you sure you're up to hostage negotiation?  I
         mean, you had a pretty huge lump on your head when we found you.
  WIGGUM: WHAT LUMP?  I mean, you guys keep talking about this phantom
          lump, but nothing happened tonight at all.
  LOU: You don't remember thinking Marge Simpson was a prostitute?
  WIGGUM: Quit telling stories.  You're being totally immature.  There was
          no lump, Marge isn't prostitute, and I know I didn't get an anal
          probe.  At any rate, we need to get this scumbag behind bars.


From high up, we see the window of HANK's hotel room open.  HANK climbs
out and pulls HOMER out with him and they stand on the ledge.  HANK holds
a gun to HOMER's head.  LISA and MARGE run through the congregation of
police cars and look up at the window with their mouths open.


  MARGE: [gasp] Oh dear God!  Homer!
  HOMER: [shouting] MARGE!
  HANK: [shouting] Do you have the money?!
  MARGE: Please!  We still have three more days!
  HANK: I'm going to shoot him!  I will!
  LISA: Dad!  Please don't kill him!


WIGGUM pulls out a megaphone and speaks through it.


  WIGGUM: We're willing to meet your demands.  Just tell us what you want
          and go back inside and nobody will get hurt.  Okay?


Long pause.


  WIGGUM: Er, okay?


HANK looks up and clenches his eyes shut.  After a moment, he throws
himself forward and jumps from the ledge, yelling as he descends.  MARGE
and LISA gasp.  Just when HANK drops to the ground, HOMER gasps and climbs
back through the window.


  WIGGUM: Oh, geez.  We were totally unprepared for this sort of thing.
  EDDIE: Wow, there's news.


LOU chuckles.


  WIGGUM: Hey.  Shut up.


HOMER and BART burst through the entrance of the hotel and run to MARGE
and LISA.  The family hugs.  LISA starts to cry a little.


  LISA: Oh, Dad.  I was so scared.
  HOMER: I know, honey.  But it's all over.  [looks over]  For all of us,
         even.
  MARGE: Oh, what a tragedy this has been.  I've never been so relieved to
         know you're safe.
  BART: Hey, Dad, you were really something.  I mean, you didn't do
        anything too heroic, but at least you didn't shriek like a girl.
  LISA: I want to go home.
  HOMER: Yeah.  Come on.  Let's go home.


The family groups tightly together and walks away.  We pull out slowly
from the scene of the police cars, and police officers walking around.


INT. THE GILDED TRUFFLE -- MIDNIGHT


ARTIE ZIFF is still sitting at a table.  He looks at his watch.


  ARTIE: Oh, where could she be?


A WAITER approaches ARTIE.


  WAITER: I'm sorry, sir.  But we can not serve you now.  We are going to
          have to close.
  ARTIE: Aw, nuts.  Well, Marge isn't getting any ransom money from *me*,
         I can tell her that.  [sigh]  Oh, well.  Back to Love Connection
         for me.


INT. LOVE CONNECTION SET


We cut to the set of "Love Connection."  Theme music plays while an
audience cheers.  The host, generically named Chuck sits at a chair.


  CHUCK: Our next guest is a self-made millionaire who owns a business
         that shall remain ambiguous.  Meet 35 year old Artie Ziff!


ARTIE walks out onto the stage to applause and sits on the chair next to
CHUCK.


  CHUCK: Okay, Artie.  Let's meet your three choices of women.  Our first
         woman is named Melissa.  She enjoys air, likes starting forest
         fires and occasionally wears blue-dyed wigs made of cat fur.  Our
         second woman, Joan, likes dripping hot wax on her stomach,
         brushing her teeth with wicker toothbrushes and pulling her hair
         out for good luck.
  ARTIE: [deeply] Ugh.


INT. A ROOM


In a four-wall room with completely white walls, and white furnishing
where soft music is playing, a door opens.  HANK walks through and looks
around.  A hand rests on HANK's shoulder.  HANK turns around, and sees
FRANK GRIMES.


  HANK: [disillusioned] Frank. . . ?
  FRANK: Good to see you, brother.
  HANK: Where are we?
  FRANK: Ah, well, it took a while for me to figure out myself where I
         was, but I eventually realized that, well, I guess we're in
         limbo.
  HANK: Limbo?
  FRANK: We're here because we died when I guess we weren't supposed to.
         Why are you here with me, Hank?
  HANK: [sighs] I couldn't take my life anymore.  Being a constantly
        unsuccessful jerk.  And I thought it'd make me feel better to
        ransom that Homer guy or kill him, but it didn't.
  FRANK: Heh.  Can't say I blame you.  If I worked at that plant long
         enough, either him or me was gonna die.  And well, here I am.  I
         guess now that I think about it, I could've been less spiteful
         and jealous.
  HANK: I guess I can't blame other people for my problems either.  Not
        like it matters anymore now.  Now that I've taken the easy way out.
  FRANK: Well, at least we have each other.  There's plenty to do, and
         plenty to concentrate on here.  Let's make the most of our
         afterlives.
  HANK: Hey -- is this heaven?
  FRANK: Not quite.  But hey, at least it isn't hell.  Come on, brother.


FRANK and HANK sit down on a couch and each read a book together.  We pull
out from the couch till eventually we have a full overhead shot of the
room.


FADE OUT:


END OF ACT THREE


  Cast


Dan Castellaneta ......... Homer J. Simpson, Barney, Grampa Simpson, Clerk
Julie Kavner ............. Marge Simpson, Patty & Selma
Nancy Cartwright ......... Bart J. Simpson, Nelson
Yeardley Smith ........... Lisa Simpson
Hank Azaria .............. Cameraman, Carl, Moe, Chief Wiggum, Hank Grimes,
                           Announcer #2, Man in Commercial, Cabbie, Apu,
                           Lou, Eddie, Frank Grimes
Harry Shearer ............ Ned Flanders, Lenny, Mr. Burns, Mr. Greenburg,
                           Announcer, Chuck


  Special Guest Voice


Jon Lovitz ............... Artie Ziff


  Supporting Cast


(Undecided) .............. Shelley Greenburg
Pamela Hayden ............ Milhouse, Jimbo
Tress MacNeille .......... Agnes Skinner, Chambermaid
Maggie Roswell ........... Woman in Commercial, Luann van Houten, Woman
Russi Taylor ............. Martin, Sherri