Episode "6G02"

Carrie (Not Affiliated with the Movie "Carrie")

Part One

Fanscript

BLACKBOARD : I will not call teacher "Ms. Crap" or "Mrs. Crabs."  I will
             not call tea/
COUCH SCENE : Each family member, wearing shades, cool-ly slides into the
              living room one by one, and they all hop backward onto the
              couch.



ACT ONE


INT. AUDITORIUM STAGE


On a dark, lavishly decorated set (satin transparent curtains, exotically
designed bric-a-bracs beside the walls, and ropes, et cetera), a man
wearing a white mask with the words "WATCH X-FILES SUNDAYS AT 9 ON FOX" on
it stands beside a black coffee table with a top hat on top of it.


  BEN STEIN: [narrating] Watch as the amazing masked magician exposes the
             best-kept secret of pulling a rabbit out of a hat.


The masked magician starts to walk to his right behind the coffee table,
missing it completely and heading towards the right wall.  Two women
dressed in skimpy silk things hurriedly pull him away from the wall and
direct him towards the hat.


INT. SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM


HOMER is sitting on the couch and BART and LISA are sitting on the floor
watching TV.  MAGGIE looks at the TV while holding SNOWBALL II.


  HOMER: Hm.  His cooridination is improving since the last special he
         had.


The MASKED MAGICIAN feels out the rabbit on the table and puts him inside
the top hat.  He gropes around the coffee table searching for a magic
wand, and he mistakenly grabs a small, sharp sword from the
sword-through-the-box trick and starts to twirl it around inside the top
hat with the rabbit inside.


  BEN STEIN: Notice how he. . . uh, grabs the wrong utensil.


The two women come back and replace the knife with the wand he was meaning
to grab.  He waves the wand around and pulls on something behind the table
to make a trap door open in the table.


  BEN STEIN: Note that the top hat has no bottom, but merely a large hole.


The rabbit falls through the table's trap door, and then another trap door
opens inside the stage floor and the rabbit falls through that until he
falls into a dusty, wood-covered basement, where a large, ferocious tiger
wearing a restrictive collar notices it, roars and takes a vicious
swipe at the rabbit before the camera cuts away.


  LISA: I thought they said these magic shows wouldn't practice cruelty
        to animals.
  BART: And how did this suddenly turn into "World's Funniest Animal
        Maulings?"
  HOMER: I don't remember seeing the rabbit fall through trap doors at any
         the magic shows I've been to.
  BART: Homer, you've never been to a magic show.
  HOMER: Yes I have!  It was my lifelong dream.
  BART: Your lifelong dream was to do a rap song with the Beastie Boys and
        you did it in 1991, remember?
  HOMER: Oh.  Oh yeah.
  BEN STEIN: And now for the ratings harvesting moment of truth.  We will
             reveal the identity of the masked magician in an exciting and
             awe-inspiring sequence.
  HOMER: Sequence?  Ohh.  How long is this going to take?
  BART: Long enough so that Fox could win the 9 to 10 o'clock time slot.


CUT TO: The TV.


The magician grabs at the left base of his mask and gradually and
dramatically starts to peel it off.  Then suddenly, the TV goes black.


  HOMER: [gasp] Oh no!  Now we'll never know who the magician is!


MARGE is standing in front of the TV with her hand over the Power button
on the VCR.


  MARGE: Oh, for God sakes, Homer, you were just watching a videotape.
         You can run it back.
  BART: That special was an even bigger farce than "Magic Secrets
        Revealed Number Sixteen" was.
  LISA: But at least not as stooping as "World's Nastiest Toilets 3."
  HOMER: Ah, that special made me feel like the tidiest man on Earth.
  MARGE: What do you all say we go visit one of the Grandparents?
  HOMER: Yeah, right.
  BART: Sorry.
  LISA: I'd rather not.
  MARGE: Well, we're doing it anyway.
  BART: Aw, man!
  HOMER: Now, now, kids.  Grampa isn't all bad.  He's hip and with our
         generation.  The home got MTV.
  BART: MTV?  Not MTV-2?
  HOMER: Shut up, boy.  Marge, can't we go get haircuts instead?
  MARGE: I don't think so.  My hair isn't over three feet tall yet.
         How about we visit my mom?
  HOMER: Why do we have to do that?  All your Mom ever does is recount how
         you've squandered your life.
  LISA: Makes me thankful I got the encouragement I did from Mom.  How did
        you become the strong, independent woman you are, Mom?
  MARGE: With a lot of imagination, and a lot of help from my man.
  LISA: [dismal] I see.
  MARGE: Anyway, she's my mother, and I don't want to become distant from
         her.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- GRANDMA BOUVIER'S HOUSE -- AFTERNOON


INT. GRANDMA BOUVIER'S LIVING ROOM


We pan across the living room to the left of the front door and hold the
shot at GRANDMA BOUVIER sitting on the couch, looking passively bored or
annoyed.  Marge walks up next to her, smiling, holding a tray of tea
things.  Above the couch is a picture of GRANDMA BOUVIER reminiscent of
the "Whistler's Mother" painting.


  MARGE: Look, Mom!  I made tea.  Peppermint or special herbal blend.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Mm.
  MARGE: [pouring a cup] So, have you been well?
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: This tea is too hot.
  MARGE: [chipper] Well, you know what they say, hot tea warms the body on
         a cold day.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: I'm not cold, thank you.  And this tea makes the coffee
                   at Krusty Burger seem like snow cones.
  MARGE: Mm.  Sorry.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Why do you want to see me, Margerie?  Is it because I
                   never spend any time with your kids?
  MARGE: Yes, that, too.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Well, you're right about that.  Although, it doesn't
                   enrich my last few years on this Earth to see your
                   oafish husband.
  HOMER: [walking up to them] I don't mean to ask a dumb question, but
         does this house have a toilet?
  MARGE: Of course, Homer.
  HOMER: Oh, good.  I guess I should've asked before we left.  [walks off]
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: As long as you and the kids are here, we might as well
                   look through the photo album.
  MARGE: Ooh!  That's a good idea!  Kids, come here for a second.


BART and LISA, who's holding MAGGIE's hand, come out of the kitchen and
approach GRANDMA BOUVIER and MARGE.  LISA lets go of MAGGIE's hand and she
falls.


  BART: Ecch.  There's some fruit punch in the fridge that has way too
        much sugar in it.  And I didn't even think that was possible.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Kids, come look at the photo album and see how Marge
                   turned into the kind of woman she is today.
  LISA: Turned into?
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: I say that with care.
  BART: Wow, a photo album moment that will for once feature some other
        kid's infant butt.


GRANDMA BOUVIER opens the photo album to a random page.  Firstly, MARGE is
seen at four years old with a worried look on her face looking at the
broken pieces from a vase she apparently knocked over onto the floor.


  GRANDMA BOUVIER: This is when Little Margerie carelessly broke our vase
                   and Selma took a picture so she'd have evidence when
                   she tattled.
  MARGE: Aw.  Look at that.  I'm dressed up in a cowgirl outfit.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Only after we caught her wearing cowboy chaps.
                   Thankfully, there was never any sign of her turning
                   into a tomboy after then.


DISSOLVE TO: The living room, a couple hours later.  HOMER is now sitting
with them.


  GRANDMA BOUVIER: And this is when she brought home that unwashed hippie
                   who laid to waste our dining room table.  She always
                   did have a bad choice in men.
  HOMER: Yeah.  But then she married me.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Your point being?
  HOMER: [sighs and frowns] I knew I was pushing it there.
  LISA: Grandma, why do you always find fault with Mom?
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: It's called constructive criticism, dear.  I love her,
                   and I'm proud I have her, but the only way you can
                   learn from your mistakes is if you hear about them over
                   and over again.
  MARGE: [looks glum and sighs]


The doorbell rings.  GRANDMA BOUVIER looks over in the direction of the
door.


  GRANDMA BOUVIER: That's strange.
  BART: I'll say.  Somebody besides us wants to visit you?
  HOMER: Bart!
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: The doorbell chimed strangely, I meant.  I'll get it.


GRANDMA BOUVIER gets up and walks over to the door with her cane and
answers the door.  On the doorstep is a blonde woman with an evidently
expensive hairstyle wearing jeans and a V-necked, sleeveless blouse.


  WOMAN: Are you Mrs. Jacqueline Bouvier?
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Yes.
  WOMAN: Oh.  Well, my name is Carrie.  Carrie Matheson.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: I already have a religion, and I don't need any
                   steakknives.
  CARRIE: Oh, no, I'm not a door-to-door person.  I-I. . .  Well, I've
          just been looking for you.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Why?
  CARRIE: [unsure of herself] Well, you see. . .  Well, I don't know how
          to say this.  Um. . .
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: What?
  CARRIE: I think that you may be. . .  my mother.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Mm.  Unusual tactic, but surprisingly not the first
                   time.
  CARRIE: No, really.  I'm not selling anything.  I've been trying to find
          my real mom and I think I may have found her.


GRANDMA BOUVIER all of a sudden looks surprised.


END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO


INT. GRANDMA BOUVIER'S LIVING ROOM -- EVENING


On the couch, GRANDMA BOUVIER, MARGE and CARRIE sit together.  CARRIE
drinks some of the tea on the coffee table.


  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Marge, I'd like you to meet Carrie.  Carrie, Marge.  
                   [incredulous] She claims she may be your sister.
  MARGE: [stunned] Oh my God.  This is amazing!  A sister.  And a sister
         who might not hate my husband either.
  CARRIE: Not a chance!  I mean, not unless he's a phony.  I like a plump,
          huggy bear, who doesn't need to be all that bright, and who
          loves watching TV in bed.
  MARGE: [quizzical expression] Hm.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Before I ask you anything, let me just say I really
                   don't have much of anything of value that you could
                   possibly hope to gain in the event of my death.
  CARRIE: I wouldn't need it.  I'm an actress, you know.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: [slight smile] Oh, really?
  CARRIE: Yes.  You see, we're shooting a commercial here in Springfield,
          and I was watching on TV a news segment called "The Old and the
          Neglected," and you were featured.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Hm.  And I thought Kent Brockman was asking my life
                   story so it could be made into a movie-of-the-week.  Oh
                   well.
  CARRIE: My father and your husband were very good friends, and Dad was
          always such a busy man.  There really was no time to go into why
          I was adopted until recently.  Well, it seems your husband
          entrusted my father to take care of me and that's why I'm here
          today.  I know it must come as a shock, but--
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Yes, it does.  My husband and I never had a fourth child.
  CARRIE: You...didn't?
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: No.
  CARRIE: [disappointed] I. . .see.  Well, then, I'm sorry for wasting your
          time.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: No. . .wait.


After a pause, GRANDMA BOUVIER looks around.


  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Ohh.  It couldn't be.
  MARGE: What is it, Mom?
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: I remember how your father and I would fight sometimes
                   and I wouldn't see him for awhile.
  MARGE: Really?
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Your sisters were probably too young to remember.
                   I. . .just never thought it would result in him. . .
  CARRIE: [gently] So, then you really aren't my mother, but your husband
          is my father?


GRANDMA BOUVIER sits down on the couch glumly and lowers her head.  After
a moment, she gets up again.


  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Excuse me.  I think there's something I forgot to do in
                   my room.


MARGE looks worriedly at GRANDMA BOUVIER.  HOMER a little expressionlessly
observes everyone.  BART is looking at the photo album.  LISA is also
looking worried, while MAGGIE sleeps on the floor.


  MARGE: I'm going to go talk to Mom.  Carrie, why don't you help yourself
         to some cookies to go with your tea?
  CARRIE: Oh, certainly.  I hope your mother will be all right.


MARGE gets up and walks out of the frame.


INT. GRANDMA BOUVIER'S BEDROOM


In the darkly lit room, GRANDMA BOUVIER stands in front of the window,
where the only light dimly shines through the curtains.  MARGE walks
slowly beside her.


  MARGE: Mom, would you like to talk?
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Margerie, why do you think he'd do it?
  MARGE: [softly] I don't know, Mom.  But, you know, sometimes these
         things have to happen before people can get along and love each
         other again.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: But. . .Carrie.  Why did whoever she was have to have a
                   daughter?
  MARGE: Can I ask you something, Mom?
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: Sure, sweetie.
  MARGE: How much did you and Dad fight?
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: We didn't quarrel too much.  But once in a while, it
                   could get bad and he'd say he needed time alone for a
                   while.
  MARGE: Oh.  Well, Mom, I don't know if it will make things any better,
         but, you two had many many happy years after then.  And people
         make mistakes.  At least he loved you for the rest of his life.
  GRANDMA BOUVIER: [turns to Marge and smiles at her] Thank you, Marge.
                   I don't think I say it very often, but, I love you.
  MARGE: Oh, I love you too, Mom.


MARGE and GRANDMA BOUVIER put their arms around each other as they look
out through the window.


INT. GRANDMA BOUVIER'S LIVING ROOM -- MINUTES LATER


HOMER and CARRIE are sitting together on the couch.  CARRIE is drinking
tea, and HOMER has his arms behind his head and his right foot resting on
his other knee.


  CARRIE: Wow, you're a nuclear saftey inspector?
  HOMER: Yep.  Hard working one, too.
  CARRIE: Then why is it that everything I've seen says that this town is a
          nuclear ice cream cake ready to melt down at any given moment?
  HOMER: Oh, you know the news.  Creative exaggerations and all that.
         I once saved the town from a meltdown, you know.
  CARRIE: You did?
  HOMER: Yep.  It was easy as "eeny-meeny miney mo."
  CARRIE: [laughs] Wow.  You really are something.


MARGE walks into the room.  We cut to a shot of MARGE from HOMER and
CARRIE's point of view, and MARGE smiles corgially at the two of them.


  MARGE: Well, it's nice to see you two getting along.
  CARRIE: How's your Mom doing, Marge?
  MARGE: Well, she's dealing with it better now.  I think everything's
         going to be all right with her.
  CARRIE: Well, that's good to hear.
  MARGE: Anyway, Carrie, as long as my husband Homer is knowing you so
         well, I guess I should, too, since, after all, we're half-sisters.
  HOMER: Wow.  This is just like when I found my half brother Herb.
  BART: Yeah.  Except Mom is less likely to flush Carrie's fortune down
        the toilet like so much--
  HOMER: [glares at him and loses his temper] I'll flush you!


HOMER starts choking BART.


  MARGE: Homer, please.  Does the entire family have to see you do that?
  HOMER: [apologetic] Sorry, Marge.  [lets go of Bart]
  MARGE: Carrie, would you like to stay with me and my family for a little
         while?
  CARRIE: Oh, that would be wonderful!  But I wouldn't want to impose.
  MARGE: Oh, no.  How could you impose?  After all, my husband has brought
         home complete strangers with all sorts of parasites and
         unpredictable tendencies to stay for at least a month.
  HOMER: Well, you have to admit, honey, they did enrich our lives.
  MARGE: [disgruntled] And with some, stole our house.
  CARRIE: My, what a giving nature you have, Homer J.
  HOMER: [bashful] Oh, well, you know what I say about giving. . .
         [sternly out the side of his mouth]  Shut up, boy.
  BART: Am I that predictable?
  CARRIE: Well, tomorrow I'll check out of my hotel and get my things and
          I'll graciously stay over.
  MARGE: [brightly] Good!  See you then.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- THE SIMPSONS HOUSE -- SUNDAY AFTERNOON


INT. SIMPSONS LIVING ROOM


BART and LISA are sitting on the couch, LISA reading a book and BART
reading a comic book.


  LISA: Bart, doesn't this endless parade of shocking revelations in our
        everyday lives bother you?
  BART: One time it did.  But when I found out RuPaul was really a man,
        nothing shocked me after then.
  LISA: No, I mean, stuff like Grandpa having an illegitimate daughter.
  BART: Not really.  All this means is I'll have another Aunt to give me
        things for my birthday, and every religious and secular holiday.
        And since she's an actress, they'll be really expensive things.
  LISA: Oh, well.


EXT. EVERGREEN TERRACE


Inside HOMER's car, HOMER is driving down Evergreen Terrace with CARRIE.
CARRIE is wearing a sleeveless, blue dress with a hemline two inches above
her knees.  CARRIE looks outside HOMER's car window.


  CARRIE: Wow!  This is where you live?  I never would've guessed someone
          who works for a nuclear power plant would be able to afford a
          house this huge.
  HOMER: Wha?  Oh.  No no no.  This isn't our house.  This isn't even our
         side of the street.  [pointing out CARRIE's window]  There's our
         house.


CUT TO: A shot of the Simpson house.


  CARRIE: [dismal] Oh.
  HOMER: That's the house that seems to appear and disappear every month
         or so.  It's spooky actually.
  CARRIE: I see.


HOMER drives into the driveway.  He gets out of the car and walks around
over to CARRIE's car door and opens it for her.


  HOMER: [chivalrously] Ladies first.
  CARRIE: Oh, you sweet thing.


CARRIE gets out of the car and HOMER and CARRIE walk arm and arm up to the
door.  HOMER rings the doorbell.


  HOMER: Marge!  I'm here with Carrie!


INT. SIMPSONS HOUSE


MARGE runs to the front door with rubber gloves on and a red bandana on
her hair.


  MARGE: Homer!  You're early!  Why didn't you call?  I look like a mess,
         and I'm not done scrubbing the wainscotting.
  HOMER: Who's gonna notice the wainscotting?


HOMER and CARRIE walk in.


  CARRIE: Wow.  You keep a lovely home, Marge.
  MARGE: [flattered] Hm, why thank you.
  HOMER: I think I'll give my stunning new sister-in-law the grand tour
         we're so famous for.


BART, LISA and MAGGIE gather side by side behind MARGE, who's standing in
front of HOMER and CARRIE.


  BART: We're famous for embarassing ourselves to rich, important people
        by showing them our dank little hovel?
  HOMER: Quiet, boy.
  BART: Oh-kay!
  MARGE: I suppose you already met our kids.
  CARRIE: [smiling] Aw, well, not officially.
  MARGE: Oh.  Well, this is Lisa.  She's smart, well-mannered and hard-working.
  LISA: [blushing] How do you do.
  MARGE: This is Maggie.  She's happy and well-behaved and very adorable.
  MAGGIE: [suck, suck]
  MARGE: And this is Bart.  And. . .we love Bart.
  BART: I'm the outspoken little hell-raiser, Ma'am.
  HOMER: And now for the grand tour.  Right now, we are standing in the
         entrance where I was arrested for the attempted murder of power
         plant billionaire Monty Burns.  For the record, it was the baby.
  CARRIE: Oh, yes, that was in the papers everywhere.  Everyone was
          waiting for three long months to find out who actually did it.


CUT TO: A wide shot of the kitchen.  HOMER and CARRIE stand in the
doorway.


  HOMER: This is where the boy set fire to Richard Simmons' hair.
  CARRIE: Oh.  *That's* why he always avoided Springfield.
  HOMER: Yep.  Very few people know that.


CUT TO: The entrance area.


BART is sitting on the stairway while HOMER and CARRIE stand in the middle
of the entrance area.


  HOMER: ...And this is where you were when we arrived in the first place.
  CARRIE: Well, I think you keep a lovely home.
  BART: You mean she didn't see the garbage bags full of old newspapers
        and TV Guides in the basement beside the giant, ugly head?
  CARRIE: [confused] What?
  HOMER: Ohh. . .he must be talking about the Flanderses' basement.  Silly
         boy, always talking about the neighbors.  [aggrivatedly]  Never
         knows when to keep his mouth shut.  Anyway, Carrie, it's not too
         crampt, and there's a nice, comfortable cot in the basement.  So
         I guess you'll be staying there, if that doesn't bother you.
  CARRIE: Absolutely not.


MARGE walks towards them with oven mits on her hands.


  MARGE: Well, everyone.  I prepared some fettucine alfredo with my own
         special sauce.  I figured we could all have some for lunch.
  HOMER: Ehh, on second thought, Marge--how about we go out for lunch?
  CARRIE: That sounds like a wonderful idea!
  MARGE: But I--
  HOMER: Ah bup bup bup bup bup.  I practically insist on it.
  MARGE: Aww, but, Homey...
  HOMER: It's settled.  Come on, kids.  We're going out for lunch today.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- A LUNCH CAFE


We see a brick building with a rail on either side of steps leading up to
the entrance of the lunch cafe.  The building has on top of it a sign
reading "THE BROKEN SPOKE" with a picture of a spork broken in half above
the words.  Below the words is a finer print reading "Our Meat's Heated
Enough To Eat Or Your Money Back."  A quite visible sign on a window
indicates the grade (D) the cafe received from the health commission.


EXT. THE BROKEN SPOKE


HOMER, CARRIE, MARGE, BART, LISA and MAGGIE walk towards the entrance of
the luncheon when a mother and son walk out of the building, the mother
holding the son's arm.  The family looks at them surprisedly.


  MOTHER: Come on, Derek.  They got a "D."
  DEREK: Aww, but Mom!  The health code sign says the "D" stands for
         delicious!


INT. THE BROKEN SPOKE


Inside a cozy, bar-like cafe, HOMER, CARRIE, MARGE, BART, LISA and MAGGIE
sit at a circular table which is in front of the kitchen.  From inside the
kitchen, we can hear people sneezing and dropping things.  A peppy
waitress in a short pleated skirt and a short-sleeved blouse approaches
the family with menus.


  WAITRESS: Good afternoon, everyone!  Welcome to the Broken Spoke.  For
            cheese on any order, please ask for a packet of powdered
            cheese.  Just add water and stir and you've got a delicious,
            creamy topping.  If you would like to order a jar of our
            special secret sauce, just ask for our cook Vic Snyder.  His
            nickname is "Sneezy." 


The WAITRESS leaves.  The family looks at each other.


  LISA: I wonder why he's called "Sneezy."


We hear more sneezing come out of the kitchen, and more things being
dropped onto the floor.  CARRIE opens her menu.  We close in on the inside
of the menu and part of CARRIE from the back.  The menu reads:


    SANDWICHES


  24-inch Hamburger Sub (now 100% Mad Cow Disease free) ........ $3.49
  Chicken sandwich (now gristle-free) .......................... $2.59
  Meatball sandwich (Heated Specialty) ......................... $2.49
  Dusty Turkey Sandwich (FDA-approval pending) ................. $2.20
  Broken Spoke Famous Roast Beef Sandwich (75% cow meat) ....... $1.99
  Salmonella's Salmon Sandwich ................................. $2.10


    SOUPS


  Watery shrimp soup ........................................... $2.59
  Gummy Joe's Gumbo ............................................ $2.49
  Parsley fugu chowder ......................................... $2.10
  Powdered pea soup ............................................ $1.99
  Campbell's Alphabet Soup ..................................... $ .99


    SALADS


  Ceezer's Salad ............................................... $2.25
  Potato Salad ................................................. $2.19
  Harold "Hepititis B." Browning's Egg Salad ................... $1.45



  MARGE: Hm.  Well, the chicken sandwich and the pie looks safe.
  HOMER: Oooh!  The meatball sandwich is their heated specialty!
  CARRIE: You know, everyone, I make a wonderful lemon-meringue pie.
  MARGE: Oh, really?
  CARRIE: Sure!  I did very well in my home-ec class, and I dabbled in a
          culinary school before I did modeling.
  LISA: Ooh!  Smart, beautiful, independent and resourceful!
  HOMER: Hey, yeah.  She's like a more glamorous you, Marge.


MARGE glares at HOMER.


  HOMER: Duh, not to say that, uh-- say, this rabbit and hairball stew
         looks good.
  CARRIE: You know, in high school, I was voted the girl most likely to
          marry a lazy freeloader.
  MARGE: Funny, so was I.
  CARRIE: Well, I can't understand why.  Maybe it's all those rumors about
          high school football stars turning into lazy bums.
  HOMER: Yep, that's why I never got into football.
  BART: Either that's why or because they don't allow 17 year old
        drunkards to tackle.
  CARRIE: My adopted sister was always so angry at me because she thought
          I stole her boyfriends.  I can't imagine why.  Most of the time
          they pursued me.  My only problem was I just simply could not
          say no.  I'm just so darn polite.
  HOMER: Say, Carrie, do you know anyone big and important in Springfield?
  CARRIE: Ah, well, once Troy McClure begged me to be his co-star in an
          informercial for an intoxicating cleaning solvent.
  HOMER: [disappointed] Oh.  We've already met him before.
  CARRIE: Hey, Homer, how would you like to tour Springfield's upscale
          celebrity spots with me?
  HOMER: Would I ever!
  MARGE: Well, why can't I come?
  HOMER: Oh, Marge, you always said celebrities are wicked Satan
         worshippers.
  MARGE: I did not!
  HOMER: Well, maybe I did.  And in that case, Miss Carrie will need my
         protection.  I practically insist.
  CARRIE: Wonderful!  We'll go tomorrow.
  BART: Hey, Homer, you have to work tomorrow.
  HOMER: Somebody will cover for me.  After all, I am a reliable and
         respected employee.
  BART: If you worked as well as you lie, we probably wouldn't live in
        a sucky dump.
  HOMER: You little sc--
  BART: Oops.  Gotta go wash my hands.  Don't have a cow, Dad.


BART runs off from the table.


  CARRIE: I wonder if this cafe would appreciate having my pie recipe.
  MARGE: Oh, no.  I once tried to do that at the elementary school.
         Lunchlady Doris told me she didn't want anyone to outshine her.
  CARRIE: I'll go see anyway.


CARRIE gets up and walks through the kitchen door.


  MARGE: She certainly is outward.
  HOMER: Yes, she does have quite an outward chest.
  MARGE: [annoyed] What, Homer?
  HOMER: Er, I mean, who wants chestnuts with their stirfried vegetables?
  LISA: This place doesn't serve stirfried vegetables, Dad.  Just raw
        vegetables, which is what I'm having.
  MARGE: [curtly] Well, Homer -- you certainly seem to like Carrie.
  HOMER: Oh, you know, just the usual hospitality I show to all your
         relatives.
  MARGE: When Selma accidentally rubbed her leg against yours like that,
         you decked her in the mouth.
  HOMER: Decked?  Margey, you misunderstood.  It was a love tap.
  MARGE: [unconvinced] I see.  Hm.  Typically about now, Carrie would be
         tossed out of the kitchen.  I wonder what's going on in there.


"SNEEZY," a man with a somewhat thick and bushy brown mustache, small eyes
and a bald head with brown bushy hair on the back of his head, walks out
of the kitchen.


  SNEEZY: Hey, everyone!  You gotta see what this lady can do with with
          powdered icing!


Everyone remains seated.


  SNEEZY: It's, uh, sexually provocative.


All of a sudden, everyone rushes into the kitchen, including HOMER.


  MARGE: Homer!
  LISA: Oh, Mom, why don't we take a look?
  MARGE: All right.


In the kitchen, CARRIE smiles as she fancily ices a perfect lemon-meringue
pie on the counter on the right side of a huge stove, oven, and grill, and
everyone awes at how well she's doing, except MARGE, who's holding MAGGIE 
and looking fairly indifferent.


  MARGE: Wow, she is pretty good.


The head waiter approaches CARRIE.


  HEAD WAITER: Hi, I'm the head waiter.  Uh, Chef...
  CARRIE: Oh.  Hello, Chef.
  HEAD WAITER: Anyway, I was wondering if you needed work?  Because we'd
               be glad to have you.
  CARRIE: Oh, thanks, but no.  I'm already employed.
  HEAD WAITER: Oh.  That's too bad.  We sure could use a cook who isn't
               allergic to everything but collared greens and wheat germ.
  CARRIE: Hm.  Well, I could give you the recipe for the pie.  You could
          make it your specialty.
  HEAD WAITER: Really?  Wow.


Everyone in the kitchen applauds, and then leaves the kitchen and returns
to their tables.  BART returns to the family's table.


  BART: So, what'd I miss?
  MARGE: Not much, dear.
  HOMER: Carrie's probably an even better cook than Marge!
  LISA: [warnful] Ahem, which is no easy feat, right, Dad?
  HOMER: I haven't seen Carrie's feet, Lisa, honey.


CARRIE returns to the table, as well.


  CARRIE: Wow, guess what, everyone?
  MARGE: What?
  CARRIE: The health inspector was here, and he saw me making the pie.  He
          said that this place was otherwise a terrifyingly neglected hole
          of food poisoning, but when he saw me, he decided to give the
          place a good review.  And it's going to be in the papers!
  HOMER: Ooh, that's wonderful, Carrie.
  CARRIE: I can see this town will be very good to me.


MARGE looks a little unsure of herself, but then she smiles genuinely at
CARRIE.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SIMPSONS HOUSE -- NIGHT


INT. LISA'S ROOM


LISA, dressed in her nightgown, yawns and walks over to her dresser and
mirror and grabs her hairbrush and starts brushing her hair, looking
sleepy.  She sets down her brush and climbs into her bed.  She nestles in
the bed and closes her eyes.  After a while, she lets out a puzzled murmur
and opens her eyes, raising an eyebrow.  She throws over her covers and
sees a frog hop out of her gown.


  LISA: WLAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!


LISA springs out of bed and turns on the light, before crashing into the
wall.


  LISA: Baaart!


LISA runs into BART's room.  BART, who's on the left side of his bed, 
turns his head around to look at her.  LISA clenches her body as she
stares at him.


  LISA: Bart!  I know you did this.
  BART: [sly] Did what, dear sister?
  LISA: Why is there a frog in my bed!?  It hopped up my gown!
  BART: Oh, you found Wally the Frog?
  LISA: Wally the Frog!?  Where do you keep getting these things?
  BART: It's nice to see you and Wally are making friends.
  LISA: Urgh.  I'm going to get you someday, Bart.
  BART: No you won't.
  LISA: Yes I will!
  BART: No you won't!
  LISA: Yes I will. . .


LISA and BART get louder and louder until CARRIE walks into the room.


  CARRIE: Hey, hey, hey.  What's going on here?
  LISA: Bart put a frog in my bed.
  CARRIE: You did, Bart?
  BART: Yeah.  [chortling]  And she totally freaked out.
  CARRIE: Aw, Bart.  Can I ask you a question?
  BART: Yeah.
  CARRIE: How would you feel if Lisa did that to you?
  BART: [pausing a moment] Gee. . . I never thought of that.
  CARRIE: Maybe you should the next time you act mean to your sister.
  BART: Aw, I'm sorry, Lis'.  I'll try to cut back on the pranks a little.
        Friends again?
  LISA: [puzzled] Uh. . . o-kay -- Bart.  Apology accepted.
  BART: [climbing into bed] G'night.
  LISA: G'night, Bart.  Hey, thanks, Aunt Carrie.
  CARRIE: Sure.


CARRIE and LISA walk out of BART's room, turning off the light before
doing so.  They stand in the hallway for a moment.


  CARRIE: You know, Lisa, I know what it's like to have a sibling that
          gets on your nerves and seems to like it.
  LISA: Bart's made me cry, and seemed to find that the most funny.
  CARRIE: It's just a phase, you know.  Some siblings need to feel tough,
          and they hide their feelings.  Sometimes it keeps them from
          caring about their siblings when they need to the most, but
          believe me, Bart does care.
  LISA: [smiling] You know, Aunt Carrie, relatives like you make me glad
        to be part of this family.  I'm glad you found us.


LISA and CARRIE hug.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SIMPSONS HOUSE -- MORNING


BART and LISA are in the hallway, about to walk down the stairs.  LISA
looks a little lethargic as she's about to take a step downward when BART
slides down the bannister and makes a perfect dismount on the floor.


  BART: Come on, Lis'.  Great way to start the day.  Except for my groin.
        Ow.


LISA shrugs, and tries to slide down the bannister.  Her dismount is
exceptionally shakier than Bart's, and she bumps onto the floor on her
bottom and flips over onto her front.  She gets up again.


  LISA: [lethargic] Ugh.  I guess I'm not as coool as you.
  BART: Hey, Lis', is something wrong?  You're acting a bit weird this
        morning.  If it's the frog thing, I didn't mean anything by it.
  LISA: Wally?
  BART: Oh, you mean, Hymie.
  LISA: I thought his name was Wally.
  BART: Yeah, but I got sick of it.
  LISA: No, it's not the frog thing.  Just, it's Monday.  And I hate Monday.
  BART: Why?  I would think you'd hate the weekend more since it's the
        only time you don't get to show off what a brainiac you are.
  LISA: I'm not a show-off!  Why does everyone think that?
  BART: 'Cause you are.
  LISA: This from the King of Exhibitionism.
  BART: Huh?
  LISA: Listen, I don't want to get into an argument.  I'm just bored with
        school, is all.  Miss Hoover has no enthusiasm, the work is too
        easy and unchallenging, and my fellow students don't want to do
        anything besides sing dirty nursery rhymes.
  BART: Yes.  School is boring.  Which is why you need to shake things up
        a bit with badass catch phrases.
  LISA: Like, "Eat my shorts?"
  BART: Precisely.
  LISA: No, thanks.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY -- FIRST PERIOD


INT. LISA'S CLASS


In LISA's class, MISS HOOVER sits at her desk with her head tilted and
resting on her hand, bored.  SKINNER enters the classroom.


  SKINNER: Okay, students.  Today we have two new students.  One has
           parents who are vulgarly wealthy, and may agree to pledge money
           to our excruciatingly underfunded school, so let's try and be
           nice to her, mmkay?  Now, elsewhere, we have a student who
           carries no intrinsic importance, but he's competant and bright,
           so I'll expect you'll taunt and tease him and make him
           miserable or whatnot during recess, but all I ask is you do not
           inhibit his ability to raise the grade level of our school.  Now
           then, here is Shelley Greenberg to introduce herself, and then
           you can carry on having fun, and learning.  [quietly, to
           himself]  Oh, who am I kidding...  [to the class]  Just have
           fun.
 
SKINNER walks away.  In the classroom walks SHELLEY GREENBURG, a demure
looking girl 9-year-old with blonde hair in golden locks.  She is wearing
an expensive royal blue cashmere sweater and a blue skirt.  She has black
shoes on similar to Lisa's.  She struts to the front of the class, tossing
one of her curls behind her shoulder.


  SHELLEY: My name is Shelley Greensburg and the lot of you will not
           not forget it.  The last student who called me "Shelley
           Greenbooger" had their family sued by my father.  Speaking of
           my father, he is a stock broker who makes upwards of over
           $450,000 a year.  We lived in Capital City and made a lot of
           friends there, as I'm sure we will here.  Like there, we live
           in a house that is so big and so nice you'd faint straight
           away if you ever saw it.  In fact, if you actually saw the
           place, you would vomit in contempt of how you yourself actually
           live.  I have more than 500 dresses, 129 pairs of shoes, and
           every Malibu Stacey created since 1981.  I look forward to
           learning amongst you, and I'm sure you will feel the same about me.
  MISS HOOVER: Mm.  Please be seated, Shelley.
  SHELLEY: [sweetly] Thank you, Miss Hoover.


SHELLEY struts in a cock-of-the-walk manner through an aisles between
desks.  The students appear visibly bored with her introduction, some
glaring as she walks through.  LISA has an annoyed look on her face in
retrospect.


EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY SCHOOLYARD -- RECESS


A modestly handsome 10 year old boy with short blonde hair wearing a black
sweater over a dress shirt and black slacks is sitting on a bench reading.
JIMBO, DOLPH and KEARNEY approach him.


  JIMBO: Hey trashface, what's your name?
  BOY: Apparently, it's trashface.  What's yours?
  DOLPH: This dork thinks he's a smartass.  What a wannabe.
  KEARNEY: Not a professional like us.
  JIMBO: You better tell us your name so we can make fun of it, or else.
  BOY: [sighs] Scott Rose.
  JIMBO: Ooh!  Scott Rose!
  DOLPH: [taunting] Scott Rose picks his nose!
  JIMBO: [taunting] Scott Rose's ass blows!
  KEARNEY: [taunting] Scott Rose. . . uh. . . sniffs a rose.
  JIMBO: Dude, you really need to stop eating the chipped paint off your
         shack.
  SCOTT: Well, this has been a fun conversation, but I think I'll sit over
         there now.


SCOTT gets up and walks away from them, sitting under a tree.  The trio
insistently follow him.


  JIMBO: Give me your lunch or I'll beat you to death, Rose.
  SCOTT: I will give you the balanced ratio of the mass of a certain item
         of my lunch compared to the mass of a recently blown dandelion.
  JIMBO: How's about I give you the mass of my fist, snotburger?


SCOTT punches JIMBO in the stomach, causing him to arch over, and SCOTT
elbows JIMBO in the back, causing him to drop to the ground.  SCOTT gets
on top of JIMBO and gets him into an armlock.


  SCOTT: Not today, half-wit.
  JIMBO: [weepy] Aw man, please!
  SCOTT: You gonna leave me alone now?
  JIMBO: Yes!  Yes!
  KEARNEY: Retreat!
  DOLPH: [disdainment] Sometimes you guys are the biggest bunch of shaved
         wussies I've ever dealt with.


SCOTT lets go of JIMBO and he runs off, KEARNEY and DOLPH following him.


  KEARNEY: [o.s.] Hey, man, did you say, "wussies?"


SCOTT returns to his reading.


CUT TO: A far off shot of SCOTT under the tree, from LISA's view.


LISA walks towards SCOTT smiling.


  LISA: [corgially] Hi.
  SCOTT: Oh, hello.
  LISA: I'm Lisa.  What's your name?
  SCOTT: Scott.
  LISA: I noticed that you received the usual amiable welcome from the
        school's three foremost and prominent losers.
  SCOTT: [laughs a bit] Yes.
  LISA: While I don't condone hostile reprisal, I must say I admire your
        bravery and self-defensive nature.
  SCOTT: Oh, well thank you.  Some time ago it occured to me that the only
         guy who could defend me is me, and it kind of stuck with me.
  LISA: What're reading?
  SCOTT: Oh, just some Tolkien.
  LISA: Ooh, really?
  SCOTT: Yeah, I have kind of an adventurous imagination.
  LISA: I think that's wonderful.
  SCOTT: I hope all of the students at this school aren't as obtuse as
         those three guys were.
  LISA: No.  But if you have a taste for knowledge, be prepared to be on
        the defensive.
  SCOTT: Heh.  I see.  Well, it was great meeting you, Lisa.  And I hope
         we can become good friends.
  LISA: [smiling blissfully] Me, too.


SCOTT gets up and walks out of the frame.  LISA turns and looks at him,
smiling.


  LISA: He's wonderful.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SPRINGFIELD MALL OF HOLLYWOOD


INT. SPRINGFIELD MALL OF HOLLYWOOD -- AFTERNOON


On the side of a huge mall building is a marquee-like
diagonal-then-horizontal sign that says "SPRINGFIELD MALL OF HOLLYWOOD."
Under the sign is, in small letters, "Name Hollywood Used Without
Permission."


HOMER and CARRIE walk through the generally typical mall.


  CARRIE: This is where the stars go shopping, Homer.  Seem special to
          you?
  HOMER: It doesn't seem all that special to me.  Is the fact that the air
         conditioning is way too high supposed to be special?
  CARRIE: [laughs] I don't think so.


HOMER and CARRIE wander upon a stand of cellular phones being tended to by
someone who appears to be SHELLEY LONG.


  WOMAN: Wow!  Aren't you Carrie Matheson, the Broadway actress who just
         recently got into movies?
  CARRIE: The one in the same.  Aren't you Shelley Long?
  WOMAN: Uh... no.  You'd be surprised how often I get that.  Although, I
         can tell you that Sprint PCS is offering a new cell phone deal in
         which...
  HOMER: Booring.  I want to go get a corn dog at the stand dedicated to
         Michael Gross.
  CARRIE: All right then, Homer.  Well it was nice talking to you, ma'am.


The woman gestures CARRIE to come closer to the stand, and she does.


  WOMAN: [whispering] Just between you and me, I am Shelley Long.  Do you
         know if NBC is planning on reviving "Cheers?"
  CARRIE: Uhh...


In the "Judge Wapner People's Food Court," HOMER and CARRIE walk around
side by side searching for a table.


  HOMER: I've never met so many low-key, washed-up celebrities before!  I
         feel like such a somebody.
  CARRIE: Homer, even if you hadn't, you are a somebody.  You're a hard
          working and loving father, and nothing is more important, or
          sexy as that.


CARRIE smiles at HOMER, who smiles back.  They happen upon a table
occupied by a black man dressed in purple.


  HOMER: Hey, aren't you The Artist Formerly Known as Prince?  Or. . .
         y'know, that queer looking symbol?
  MAN: I prefer to be called Chalice now, thank you.
  HOMER: Heh heh, Chalice.  Just don't land in jail any time soon with
         that name.
  PRINCE: [looks annoyed at HOMER]
  HOMER: Mind if we sit down?
  PRINCE: Uh. . .
  HOMER: [sits at the table] You know, now that it *is* 1999, I bet you
         feel pretty stupid hearing that song playing on the radio now,
         huh?  Boy, you really didn't think that one out when you recorded
         that song way back in 1983.


We see only HOMER, laughing, and he gets punched in the face.


  HOMER: Ow!


INT. SIMPSONS KITCHEN


MARGE, PATTY and SELMA are all sitting at the breakfast table, drinking
tea.


  MARGE: She is really nice, though, you know?  She's great with the kids,
         too.  She got Bart and Lisa to stop fighting for a while, which
         is no easy trick.  And Homer's taken a shine to her.
  PATTY: Need I remind you you're giving us the opinion of a man who
         examines his own puke hoping to find a pork rind?
  MARGE: Patty, Homer doesn't do that anymore.
  SELMA: I don't know why Dad needed to have an affair.  Us Bouvier women are
         very desirable and alluring.
  PATTY: [insulted] Hm.  Selma, you take that back.
  MARGE: I just hope you won't be too jealous of her.  She has a sweet
         voice and a nice body and lovely hair and a wonderful
         personality.
  SELMA: [snort] And I don't?
  MARGE: Now, I didn't say that.
  SELMA: She's probably had all kinds of unnatural enhancements, like
         implants and tucks and shaved legs.
  PATTY: I don't even know why I care to say this, since I don't see the
         point in love, marriage, or you being married to Homer, but I
         would be worried if some buxom bimbo suddenly became such close
         friends with my husband.  Again, I say that hypothetically.
  MARGE: That buxom bimbo is our sister!  You haven't even met her, so
         maybe it would be a good and fair idea to put a hold on the
         condemnation.
  SELMA: Let's go home.  Richard Dean Anderson's new show "Stargate" is
         on.
  
ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SIMPSONS HOUSE -- EARLY EVENING


INT. SIMPSONS FAMILY ROOM


LISA is lying on the armrest of the couch on her back with her arms behind
her head, and BART is on the floor in front of the couch reading an open
book.


  LISA: Bart, I apologize if I'm wrong, but, are you studying?
  BART: Hey, I have to do *some* work to maintain a D average.
  LISA: I see.
  BART: Where do I stick the Z in "Czech Republic," by the way, Lis'?
  LISA: Perhaps you should fetch the encyclopedia.
  BART: The encyclo-what-ia?
  LISA: [sighs] A study guide.
  BART: Nah.  I just look for someone to say something educationally
        relevent on a TV show.  You luck out once in a while with all the
        shows marked E/I on weekday afternoons.
  LISA: I wonder if Scott Rose likes poetry.
  BART: Scott Rose?  That new kid that looks like he spends all of his
        time reading and playing chess by himself?
  LISA: [defensive] He does not!  And, so what if he did?


MARGE walks into the TV room and sits on the couch.


  BART: Hey, Mom, where's Homer?  He's supposed to be home for dinner
        around now.
  MARGE: He's still out with Carrie, I guess.
  BART: Aw, don't fret, Ma.  Unless he went out someplace and drank a gallon
        of champale like you apparently did when I was born, I'd have
        nothing to worry about.
  MARGE: Wha-who told you about that?
  LISA: He'll be home soon, Mom.  Don't worry.  He's been late before.
  MARGE: You're probably right.


DISSOLVE TO: The couch in the family room, a while later.  LISA has
disappeared from the couch, and BART is now there, watching TV with MARGE
beside him.


  ANNOUNCER: [on television] 2 exciting hours of "Dateline NBC," all this
             week on NBC!


DISSOLVE TO: The couch in the family room, a while later.  BART has
disappeared and it is just MARGE on the couch.  MAGGIE is on the ground
playing with a talking KRUSTY doll.


  MAGGIE: [suck, suck]
  KRUSTY DOLL: Buy my videos!  Huh-huh-huh-hah-hah!  I'm cuter than
               Furbys!  Huh-huh-huh-hah-hah!


DISSOLVE TO: The couch in the family room, a while later.  MARGE is the
only one there.  She turns her head with a look of despair.


HOMER opens the front door and walks in, giggling with CARRIE.


  HOMER: And he ate it all by himself?  I can't imagine someone being so
         disgusting!
  CARRIE: [laughs] Me, either.
  MARGE: Homer!
  HOMER: AAGH!
  MARGE: It's 9:45 pm!  Where've you been all night?
  HOMER: Would you believe aliens kidnapped us because they had no company
         for dinner?
  MARGE: No, Homer.
  CARRIE: [remorsefully] Oh, sorry, Marge.  Did you make something special?
  MARGE: No, but I was so worri--
  HOMER: I'll never do it again.  I promise if I'm out that late, I'll
         call, okay?
  MARGE: Well, okay.  As long as you're here, maybe we can have some of
         the dinn--
  HOMER: Heh, you know, when me and Carrie went out to dinner, Mr. Burns
         was absolutely eating his liver at losing his six-week
         reservation for that fancy-schmancy new restaurant called "The
         Restaurant" to us just because Carrie was with me.
  CARRIE: Well, when I heard about what a mean old monster that man was, I
          just had to sock it to him, if you know what I mean.
  HOMER: Well, I'm about bushed, I suppose I'll just turn in.
  MARGE: [flustered] What?  But I haven't seen you all d--
  HOMER: G'night, honey.  [kisses MARGE on the cheek]  G'night, Carrie.
         [kisses CARRIE on the cheek]


HOMER starts upstairs.


INT. HOMER AND MARGE'S BEDROOM -- MIDNIGHT


MARGE sits up in bed, thinking.  She turns on the lamp beside her side of
the bed and shakes HOMER.


  MARGE: Homer?  Homer?  Are you awake?
  HOMER: [unconscious] Whth-th... It was Lenny who did it... go yell at
         Lenny...
  MARGE: HOMER!
  HOMER: [coming to consciousness] Hm?  What is it, Marge?
  MARGE: Homer, how do you assess our marriage?
  HOMER: Well, my paycheck isn't much, but I always figured it assisted us
         enough.
  MARGE: That's not what I meant.
  HOMER: Then why'd you say it?
  MARGE: Homer, what do you see me as?
  HOMER: My wife, and the mother of my kids.  What's all this about,
         honey?
  MARGE: Just that, I see you and Carrie and get the impression that you
         look at her the way you looked at me when you first saw me.
  HOMER: Don't be silly, Marge!  She's just a wonderful person, and she
         has a lot to bask in, so I'm basking.
  MARGE: Do you think she's attractive?
  HOMER: This is the sort of trick question I warned the boy against.
  MARGE: Well, do you?
  HOMER: Well, sure!  Don't we all?
  MARGE: Hm.  Well, as long as you're honest.
  HOMER: Now, you be honest, tell me you don't find Flanders to be the
         least bit sexy?
  MARGE: What does he have to do with anything?
  HOMER: Just be honest.  That moustache turns your head once in a while,
         doesn't it?
  MARGE: Not really, Homer.
  HOMER: Oh.  Okay, I'm glad we could have this talk.  Now I promise there
         will be no more accusing you of having an affair with Flanders.
  MARGE: That's not what we were talking about.  We were talking abou--
  HOMER: [snoring]
  MARGE: Homer?  [pause]  Homer?  [sighs]


MARGE turns out the light.


END OF ACT TWO


ACT THREE


EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY SCHOOLYARD -- RECESS


LISA swings on the jungle gym, then jumps down, brushing herself off.  She
walks around the schoolyard contently and runs into SHELLEY GREENBURG,
who grins at her.


  SHELLEY: Hello.
  LISA: Hi.  You're Shelley, aren't you?
  SHELLEY: Yes, yes I am.  Honored?
  LISA: [puzzled] Not particularly.  I'm Lisa.  Lisa Simpson.
  SHELLEY: Oh.  I see.


SHELLEY looks LISA over, walking around her as she eyes LISA up and down.
She stops in the position she started from.


  SHELLEY: [condescendingly] Hm, country girl.
  LISA: Country girl?
  SHELLEY: Yes, you.
  LISA: How am I a country girl?
  SHELLEY: You live in an old little house out in the Ozarks along with
           that hillbilly's other 25 children.
  LISA: I live in a 5-member household in a residential suburb just like
        you do, Shelley.
  SHELLEY: That is a really stupid looking dress you wear.  It looks like
           a bathtowel with a scissor-cut hemline.
  LISA: I never noticed.
  SHELLEY: I heard your father was so poor you can't afford to wear
           underwear.
  LISA: Who said that?
  SHELLEY: I have my sources.
  LISA: What sources?
  SHELLEY: [pause] You're nosy, country girl.
  LISA: [irritatedly] Would you stop calling me that??
  SHELLEY: I have to run now.  [snooty]  See you later, Lisa Simpson.
  LISA: [to herself] If all goes well, much later.


LISA glares at SHELLEY as she skips away.  Elsewhere, SHELLEY hums to
herself as she skips.


  SHELLEY: [humming] Hm hm hm hm, I'm so pretty.  Fa la la la--


SHELLEY collides into SCOTT, who was reading a book while walking.
They both fall to the ground.


  SCOTT: Aaack!
  SHELLEY: Aaah!
  SCOTT: Gee, I'm sorry, there.
  SHELLEY: Jiminy Jillickers!  I hope I didn't get much mud on my dress!
  SCOTT: I'll say.  I'd hate to muck up a dress that nice.  How come
         you're wearing a dress that pretty and expensive-looking just
         for school?
  SHELLEY: Oh, don't worry about it.  I've got plenty of them.
  SCOTT: Oh.  You must be that lucky girl I've been hearing about.
  SHELLEY: [eager] Good things, I hope?
  SCOTT: Well, not enough to tell.
  SHELLEY: [deadpan] Oh.  Well, I see you're reading about art history?
  SCOTT: Sure am.  Particularly France's Great Exhibition in 1851.
  SHELLEY: I love art.  I try to get to an art museum every weekend I
           can--


CUT TO: A faraway shot of SHELLEY and SCOTT talking.  We see the front of
SCOTT and SHELLEY in front of SCOTT talking with her hands behind her
back.  In the foreground, we see LISA watching them.


  LISA: [curious] Hmmm.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SPRINGFIELD NUCLEAR POWER PLANT -- LUNCH (We hear a
crow caw nearby.)


INT. CAFETERIA


LENNY hauls a pile of boxes of doughnuts to the table he, CARL and HOMER
are sitting at and sits down with them.  On the wall behind their table is
a bulletin sign.  It reads the following:


  "DO NOT PEE ON REACTOR"
  "``GLOWIN' GREEN'' IS NOT A NEW DOUGHNUT FLAVOR, SO DON'T EAT IT"
  "CLEAN UP YOUR OWN MESS"
  "ZUTROY CAN NOT BE BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING"


  LENNY: Here we are, boys.  The new Double Decker Doughnut boxes imported
         directly from England.
  CARL: Bleh.  Doesn't anyone buy American anymore?


LENNY sets down doughnut boxes with a top box full of doughnuts that has a
removable lid on top, and a bottom box that has a box full of doughnuts
that slides out from the side.


  HOMER: None for me, Len.  Well, maybe just a plain cake.
  LENNY: Hey, Homer, what's with the "None for me, thanks?"  I thought
         that was one of your five most blasphemous phrases along with
         "Friends don't let friends drink and drive."
  HOMER: I can't spend all of my life eating!  Did you know that seven
         years of a given person's life is spent eating?
  CARL: Then you've probably lost fourteen years, there, Homer.
  HOMER: Well, that's gonna change now.  Some of us have to care about the
         way our bodies look.
  LENNY: What's that supposed to mean, Homer?
  HOMER: Well, you know, you're starting to slip a little yourself, Lenny.
  LENNY: I'm eight pounds underweight!
  CARL: Hey, Homer, this "I don't want anything to eat" kick wouldn't have
        anything to do with that sister-in-law of yours showing up, would
        it?
  HOMER: Well, maybe a little.  Although, Carrie did hint that she didn't
         mind a chubby man.  Maybe I'll have three or ten of those
         jumbo triple-glaze deals there.


HOMER tears into the box and starts stuffing his face full of doughnuts.


CUT TO: A shot of HOMER eating which appears to be on a black and white
screen.  We pull out to see MR. BURNS sitting in his chair, observing them
on the surveillance monitors in his office.


  MR. BURNS: Smithers, isn't he that grotesque souffle of lard I
             encountered at "The Restaurant?"
  SMITHERS: Yes.  Homer Simpson, sir.  The grotesque souffle of lard from
            Sector 7-G, and one of our most recalcitrant employees.
  MR. BURNS: Hm.  He was so civilized when he sat with that unfamiliar,
             mannerable lady.  First he's unwilling to eat and now he has
             a mountain of mashed potatoes on his plate.  How could you
             have allowed me to hire such an unpredictable goof?
  SMITHERS: [mournful] I have no idea, sir.
  MR. BURNS: Well, I'll have to do something about this. . .uh, what was
             his name, again?
  SMITHERS: I think maybe you should eat something, sir.  You haven't had
            any lunch, and well, lately you're starting to wither away to
            nothing.
  MR. BURNS: Yes.  I'm not as buff and bulky as I used to be a few months
             ago.  Although I'm still too tense to eat after that incident
             last night.
  SMITHERS: If it makes you feel any better, there's an even fancier,
            snobbier restaurant I secured us reservations to that refuses
            service to anyone who doesn't wear a vest and disposes of
            those who talk with their mouths full.
  MR. BURNS: Ooh.  Excellent, Smithers.  I seem to have regained my
             appetite.  Bring my lunch of mashed beans, chicken skins and
             worcestershire sauce.


EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY SCHOOLYARD -- AFTER SCHOOL


A chess board is on a bench SCOTT is sitting at, and he is poised
thoughtfully at the bench playing by himself.  SHELLEY approaches, holding
her books with both hands in front of her person.


  SHELLEY: You can play chess all by yourself?
  SCOTT: Well, kind of.  I'm not too good, but it's fun and challenging,
         nonetheless.  Do you play chess?
  SHELLEY: Oh, all the time.  You know, the horsie is the most amazing and
           powerful piece.
  SCOTT: Heh.  I disagree.  I mean, he only has one, very complicated
         move.  Every move he makes has to be extremely strategic.
  SHELLEY: Oh.  I knew that.  Why don't you move that crowny piece over
           there?
  SCOTT: Uh, that would be moving into check.
  SHELLEY: [jumping with excitement] Oh yay!  I'm better at this than I
           thought.


LISA walks up to SCOTT's left side with her arms behind her back and she
observes the board for a moment.


  LISA: Hm.  You could move your knight over there to capture the white's
        bishop.
  SCOTT: Hm.  Hey, that's a pretty fine move.  I didn't notice that.
  SHELLEY: Oh, well, I did.
  SCOTT: Hey, Lisa, you play chess much?
  LISA: Not too often.  There isn't really anyone in my family with the
        patience, time, or frankly, brain power to be a worthy opponent.
        Although my baby sister will surprise you.
  SCOTT: Would you like to play?
  LISA: Oh, Scott!  I'd lov--
  SHELLEY: She'd love to, but she's very busy and she has to go home now.
  LISA: Pardon me?
  SHELLEY: You have the most gorgeous eyes, Scott.  Did I ever tell you
           that?
  SCOTT: Thank you.  You're very kind, Shelley.  I think you're pretty...
         um, pretty too.
  SHELLEY: [overly flattered] Oh, really?
  SCOTT: Ah, nuts.  I think I should go home.


SCOTT starts to rake chess pieces into his board box and he folds up the 
flat chess board, putting it inside of the box.


  SCOTT: My pop probably expects me to do a little mowing when I get back
         before homework.  So long, Shelley, Lisa.  Hey, Lisa, I would
         really like to play chess with you sometime.  You're really cool.
  LISA: [blushing] Oh.  Thank you.


SCOTT gets up from the bench with the boxed set and walks away, looking
back at the girls and smiling and waving.  LISA waves back, smiling.


  LISA: [sighs] He's really smart, and so easy going.  I've dreamed of
        meeting a boy like him.


SHELLEY looks at LISA deviously and walks beside her.


  SHELLEY: Oh, Lisa.  You should be so glad I was here.
  LISA: Oh?  Why?
  SHELLEY: Without me around, you might've had the embarassment of trying
           to hide the fact that you have absolutely nothing to say to
           him.
  LISA: I have plenty to say, and plenty to ask that I haven't gotten the
        chance to because he's so busy.
  SHELLEY: Hm.  Denial.  Always the first stage before failure.
  LISA: Look, Shelley, we will see who will be failing and who won't be.
        But for now, just leave me alone, please.
  SHELLEY: Why?  Don't you want to be my friend, country girl?
  LISA: Aagh!


LISA glares as she walks away from SHELLEY.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SIMPSONS HOUSE -- EVENING


INT. SIMPSONS FAMILY ROOM


BART smirks smugly and wickedly as he dials the phone beside the couch.


CUT TO: Moe's Tavern.


MOE is drying a glass obliviously when the phone rings.  He scratches his
butt and goes to answer the phone.


  MOE: Moe's Tavern.
  BART: Ah, yes.  Is Miss Talia there?  First name, Jenna?
  MOE: Just a sec, I'll check.  [calling out to the bar]  Excuse me, is
       Jenna Talia here?  Hey everybody, I wanna see Jenna Talia.  Whoever's
       with, could they please show me Jenna Talia?


The entire bar laughs uproariously.


  BARNEY: [laughing] Have you tried taking a shower lately?


MOE stares at the crowd curiously.


  MOE: What?  What, what?  What's so funny?
  BART: Wow, you're a little slow today.
  MOE: [realizing] Ooh!!  Damn it!  [angrily] I'm gonna get you, you scurvy
       sack of donkey stools.  When I find you, I swear to God I'm gonna
       open your guts with a can-opener and stuff your butt with your own
       bloody giblets.


BART laughs hard before MOE slams the phone down.


  MOE: Damn kids.  Have no respect for their elder lowlives.


CUT TO: Simpsons Family Room.


  BART: [hanging up the phone] Who'd've thought that sex ed strip would've
        came in handy?


CUT TO: Moe's Tavern.


HOMER comes into Moe's with CARRIE by his side.  MOE glances over at
CARRIE and moves towards BARNEY.


  MOE: [lowered voice] Hm.  Look, Barn.  Homer seems to have one of them
       dainty broads with him tonight.  I suppose we should act a little
       classy.  [shouting] HEY HOMA!  VA-VA-VA-VOOM!  That is one fine
       lookin' piece of tail you've got with!
  EVERYBODY: [whistles]
  BARNEY: Take it off!
  HOMER: Carrie, I'd like you to meet my friends!  Gentlemen, aren't they?
  CARRIE: Uh. . . I guess so.
  HOMER: [lowered voice] Yeah, I know they're disgusting, but usually
         they'd mob you and steal your shirt.


CARRIE walks up onto a stool, as does HOMER.


  HOMER: Boys, this is the sweet, endearing, special little creature that's
         strangely in Marge's family.  We found out she's my sister-in-law.
  MOE: [unenthusiastic] Oh, is that so, eh?
  HOMER: You don't care, do you, Moe?
  MOE: Not really, no.
  CARRIE: Well, anything a lady has to do to get a drink around here?
  MOE: [anxiously] Uh, yeah.  Yeah.  But, uh, you wouldn't.
  CARRIE: [sternly] Just push the suds, nose-picking.
  MOE: Woah.  The cat has claws.  What a turn-on.


MOE pours a beer, smiling.


  HOMER: Wow.  Even I've never gotten to shove Moe around!
  MOE: Yeah.  You ain't a turn-on, neither.


EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY SCHOOLYARD -- RECESS


LISA swings on the jungle gym once again, back and forth.  We see SHELLEY
appear underneath LISA from LISA's point of view.


  SHELLEY: Lisa, get down.  I want to play on the jungle gym.
  LISA: I think we could both play on the jungle gym.
  SHELLEY: No.  I said get down, now get down.


LISA glares at SHELLEY and jumps off.


  LISA: [contemptuously] I'm only doing this so I don't have to talk to
        you for at least five more minutes.


SHELLEY grins at LISA as she walks away.  LISA looks around and decides to
play on the swing.  She gets up onto the seat and swings a little slowly.
A few moments later, SHELLEY walks up to LISA as she's swinging.


  SHELLEY: I want to play on the swing.
  LISA: [angrily through her teeth] There are three swings, Shelley.
  SHELLEY: I always get to swing in the middle swing.
  LISA: Well, I guess you just don't get to today.
  SHELLEY: For the last time, get off the swing.
  LISA: Bug off, Shelley!


SHELLEY pushes LISA hard until she falls off of the swing.  She assumes
LISA's seat and smiles, swinging a little faster.


  SHELLEY: Thanks, Lisa.  You're so nice.


LISA gets up and dusts herself off.


  LISA: Shelley, just because you're rich and you have a lot of fancy
        things doesn't mean you can always get what you want.
  SHELLEY: It doesn't?
  LISA: You may have ran the school in Capital City, but there's only so
        much I can politely take.
  SHELLEY: Well, you will take more, because I say so.


LISA glares at SHELLEY and gets onto the swing on her left and swings
on it.  SHELLEY glares at LISA.


  SHELLEY: What are you doing?
  LISA: I'm swinging on another swing.
  SHELLEY: Oh.  [defeatedly] Well, good.
  LISA: Mm.


SHELLEY gets off of her swing.


  LISA: What's the matter, Shelley?
  SHELLEY: I didn't want my dress getting dirty on that unwashed swing anyway.
           So long, country girl.


LISA gets off of her swing and walks along the schoolyard in search of a
tree to sit underneath.  SHELLEY sees LISA off, and then returns to the 
middle swing, grinning.  She sees SCOTT writing on a notepad underneath the
tree.


  LISA: Scott!  How are you doing?
  SCOTT: Oh, great.  Gee, I hope I have enough space left on my notepad
         for my geography notes.  I didn't even notice how much I was
         writing.
  LISA: What're you writing?
  SCOTT: Oh, just a little poetry.
  LISA: You like poetry??
  SCOTT: Yeah.  Well, when I found out it didn't always have to rhyme
         anyway.  I thought that was a little corny.
  LISA: Oh.  Well, can I see some of it?
  SCOTT: Oh, heh.  Nah.  I wouldn't dream of showing a nice girl like you
         my dorky poetry.
  LISA: Ah, come on.  You may be surprised, you know.
  SCOTT: Well, as long as you're open minded. . .


CUT TO: A close-up of SHELLEY swinging.


SHELLEY slows down in her swinging as she stares at LISA and SCOTT
worriedly.  She gets off the swing and walks up to the tree.


  SCOTT: . . . and friends are our flowers / Withering faster than others
         / Blossoming later than some. . ."
  SHELLEY: I'm so sorry to interrupt, but, please, Scott I need your help
           over there.
  SCOTT: What's the matter?
  SHELLEY: Uh, you'll see.  Come on.
  SCOTT: Um, okay.  Lisa, hang on a minute.
  LISA: All right, Scott.  I loved it so far!
  SCOTT: Oh, thanks.


SCOTT gets up, holding his notepad and walks away with SHELLEY and LISA
looks on at SCOTT, smiling.  SHELLEY and SCOTT stop at the swings.


  SCOTT: So, what's wrong?
  SHELLEY: I just wanted to tell you something, for your own sake.
  SCOTT: Oh?  What's that?
  SHELLEY: Well, I didn't really want to say this kind of thing because
           I like Lisa so much, but I thought you should know since you're 
           becoming such good friends.
  SCOTT: I don't understand.
  SHELLEY: I kind of discovered that there's a lot of problems in Lisa's
           family.  All the kids know about it.  Anyway, she's seeing a
           psychiatrist, even, to keep her. . .  No, nevermind.
  SCOTT: No, what?
  SHELLEY: Well. . . schitzophrenic tendencies to a minimum.  But for now,
           I wouldn't let her have any sharp objects.


CUT TO: A shot of LISA under the tree thoughtlessly playing with a
sharp pencil SCOTT left behind under the tree.


  SCOTT: [sympathetically] Oh my.  That's awful.
  SHELLEY: Anyway, her doctor said that she shouldn't have too much
           contact with friends or a boyfriend or anything.  She gets
           real bummed about it and sometimes disobeys, but you have to
           help her by staying away from her.
  SCOTT: Wow.  She seems like such a happy girl.  Are you sure about that?
  SHELLEY: I wish I wasn't!  Oh, how I like Lisa so.  I wanted to be
           friends, too.  But she just lashed out.
  SCOTT: Gee.  Well, thank you, Shelley.  I'll try to help any way I can.
  SHELLEY: Uh huh.  Well, I have to go now.
  SCOTT: All right.


SHELLEY and SCOTT go their separate ways, SCOTT returning to the tree with
a worried look on his face.


  SCOTT: [antsy] Uh, hi, Lisa.
  LISA: Hi!  Is everything okay with Shelley?
  SCOTT: Um, yeah.  Problem solved.  Say, uh, let me just take that pencil
         for a minute, okay?


SCOTT carefully takes the pencil out of LISA's hand.


  LISA: What's the matter?  You seem a little weird.
  SCOTT: Hey, listen, I have a lot of reading to do and recess is almost
         over so I think I'll just go now.  Bye, Lisa!  I hope everything
         is all right with you.


SCOTT collects his things and runs off.  LISA raises an eyebrow.


  LISA: I wonder what he meant by that.


ESTABLISHING SHOT -- SIMPSONS HOUSE -- EARLY EVENING


INT. SIMPSONS KITCHEN


MARGE sits glumly at the kitchen table, with her elbows on the table and
her hands resting on the sides of her face.  LISA walks into the kitchen.


  LISA: Mom, can I ask you a question?
  MARGE: [lethargically] Sure.  What is it, honey?
  LISA: Is it okay to hurt someone who's really, really asking for it?
  MARGE: Use words, not fists, Lisa.
  LISA: This Shelley Greenburg girl is such a brat.  She has so much money
        and thus far has been acting like she owns the world.  I try to
        ignore her, but she just bugs me for no apparent reason.  I don't
        know what I should do.
  MARGE: Hm.  Well, you know, Lisa, God will punish those who are bad.
  LISA: Well, what if He doesn't?
  MARGE: Then maybe she wasn't so bad after all.
  LISA: [bewildered] Uh. . . Thanks, Mom.


LISA walks out of the kitchen, as HOMER walks in.


  LISA: Hi, Dad!
  HOMER: Hey, Lisa!


HOMER walks past MARGE to go to the refrigerator.


  HOMER: Hey, good looking, what's cooking?  [grabs a beer]
  MARGE: [glumly] I haven't started dinner yet.
  HOMER: Ah nuts, did we forget to set the clocks according to Daylight
         Savings Time again?  Oh, well, no matter.  You can just do it
         now.  I'm going to go watch TV in the basement with Carrie.
  MARGE: Homer. . . I miss you.
  HOMER: [pausing] Uh. . . what?
  MARGE: We've seen so little of each other since Carrie stayed with us.
         I just feel so. . . lonely.
  HOMER: Aw, honey, you know I love you more than anything in the world.
  MARGE: Sometimes I'm not so sure, Homer.  You're out late with Carrie
         almost every other night.  You hug more than I've ever seen you
         hug any of my sisters, and. . .
  HOMER: Oh, sweetie -- I'm sorry I don't spend enough time with you.  I
         guess I'm getting so caught up in knowing your sister that I've
         forgotten all about you.  She's just such a wonderful person.
  MARGE: [disappointedly] I see.
  HOMER: [sweetly] But, Marjorie, you're the best person in the whole
         world.
  MARGE: [smiling a bit] Oh, Homer.
  HOMER: I'm gonna prove it, too.  This Saturday, you put on something
         nice, and we're going to go out and have the fanciest, most
         expensive dinner my good credit card has enough credit for.
  MARGE: Oh.  I am *not* dressing up to go to Winchell Picken's Finger
         Lickin' Chicken.
  HOMER: Oh.


                                TO BE CONTINUED


END OF ACT THREE


  Cast


Dan Castellaneta ......... Homer J. Simpson, Krusty, Barney
Julie Kavner ............. Marge Simpson, Grandma Bouvier, Patty & Selma
Nancy Cartwright ......... Bart J. Simpson, Derek, Kearney
Yeardley Smith ........... Lisa Simpson
Hank Azaria .............. Vic "Sneezy" Snyder, Chef, Prince, Carl, Moe
Harry Shearer ............ Principal Skinner, NBC Announcer, Lenny, Mr.
                           Burns, Smithers


  Special Guest Voices


Dave Foley ............... Scott Rose
Jane Krakowski ........... Carrie Matheson
Ben Stein ................ Himself


  Supporting Cast


(Undecided) .............. Shelley Greenburg
Pamela Hayden ............ Jimbo, Dolph
Maggie Roswell ........... Waitress, Ms. Hoover, SprintPCS Woman