The Simpsons Purity Test

Version 1.01

I thought you guys might like this one... I read another TV show's purity test the other day and wondered, "Why hasn't there been a Simpsons Purity Test?" Here's my attempt to set the record straight. May your score be high!

   SIMPSONS PURITY TEST 1.01


1. TV Series


1.1  Have you ever seen The Simpsons?
1.2  ... in syndication?
1.3  ... since Season Seven?
1.4  ... since Season Three?
1.5  ... since Season One?
1.6  ... since the Tracey Ullman era?
1.7  ... since Matt Groening created them?
1.8  Do you watch the syndicated episodes regularly?
1.9  ... every weekday?
1.10 Do you skip other events to see the Sunday episodes?
1.11 ... the syndicated episodes?
1.12 Does it bother you when couch scenes are reused?
1.13 ... when there's no chalkboard scene?
1.14 ... when Fox abbreviates the opening sequence?
1.15 ... when you see the "Simpson clones" couch gag in syndication?
1.16 ... when the syndicated episode is "The Principal and the Pauper" or 
     "All Singing, All Dancing"?
1.17 ... when Homer gets involved in another zany scheme?
1.18 ... when Maggie is little seen or not seen at all?
1.19 ... when they show "another cheesey clip show"?
1.20 ... when a musical production number is thrown in for no reason?
1.21 Have you memorized the names of all the regular characters?
1.22 ... all characters used more than once?
1.23 ... all characters ever named?
1.24 Have you memorized all the episode titles?
1.25 ... all the p-codes?
1.26 ... all the couch scenes?
1.27 ... all the chalkboard scenes?
1.28 ... all the lines?
1.29 ... all the episodes?
1.30 Have you ever recorded an episode just to freeze-frame and read an 
     otherwise unreadable sign or list?
1.31 Do you know Sideshow Mel's last name?
1.32 ... Sideshow Bob's middle name?
1.33 ... what the caption under the Jimmy Carter statue said?
1.34 ... all the Rock Bottom 'corrections'?
1.35 Can you get all the references on the series?
1.36 ... without consulting the Simpsons archive?

2. Production

2.1  Can you name all of the show's current staff?
2.2  ... everyone who's ever worked on the show?
2.3  ... including the animators mentioned on the 138th ep spectacular?
2.4  Have you ever wanted to kill or fire Ian Maxtone-Graham?
2.5  ... Ken Keeler?
2.6  ... Mike Scully, executive producer?
2.7  ... Rupert Murdoch?
2.8  ... Matt Groening, but only because he let those sorry losers in the 
     staff in the first place?
2.9  Did you find the last question blasphemous?
2.10 Do you think the series has declined in quality?
2.11 ... since Season Ten?
2.12 ... since Season Nine?
2.13 ... since Season Eight?
2.14 ... since Season Seven?
2.15 ... since Season Four?
2.16 ... since Season Two?
2.17 Do you want to see the return of David Silverman?
2.18 ... Conan O'Brien?
2.19 ... Mike Scully, writer?
2.20 ... Sideshow Bob?
2.21 ... Roy, in about a few years?

3. Online Fandom

3.1  Do you know about alt.tv.simpsons?
3.2  Have you ever lurked there?
3.3  ... posted there?
3.4  Do all the regulars know you?
3.5  ... adore you?
3.6  ... worship you?
3.7  ... have a crush on you?
3.8  Have you ever posted a non-flame, non-troll that started a thread at
     least five messages long?
3.9  ... ten messages?
3.10 ... twenty messages?
3.11 ... 100 messages?
3.12 Have you ever been to the Simpsons Archive?
3.13 Can you name its URL?
3.14 Have you ever made a submisson to the episode capsules?
3.15 ... that made it?
3.16 ... to every episode since Season Nine?
3.17 ... to every episode ever?
3.18 Does your name appear anywhere at the Archive outside the capsules?
3.19 Do you maintain a list at the Archive?
3.20 ... that you started yourself?
3.21 Have you contributed to at least one list?
3.22 ... two lists?
3.23 ... five lists?
3.24 ... ten lists?
3.25 Does it bother you when an ATSer newbie asks why Smithers was black?
3.26 ... when Dr. Marvin Monroe died?
3.27 ... where Springfield is?
3.28 ... where to find a list available at the Archive?
3.29 ... what the production codes are?
3.30 ... what the song Lisa played after "Lisa's Sax" was?
3.31 ... if there will ever be a Simpsons movie?
3.32 ... what the hell OFF stands for?
3.33 Do you know what the hell OFF stands for?
3.34 Have you ever killfiled S*tm*r?
3.35 ... M*tb*st*rd?
3.36 ... *nth*ny V*cc*r*c*ll*?
3.37 Can you fill in all the vowels above?
3.38 Has Vanessa Cox ever killfiled you?
3.39 Have you killfiled her?
3.40 Has anyone at the newsgroup ever called you a 'plonk'?
3.41 Have you ever shown up on Dave Hall's lists of most active ATSer's 
     during the past month?
3.42 ... ahead of Dave Hall himself?
3.43 Do Dave Hall and Haynes Lee's reposts bother you?
3.44 Have you ever been fooled by Haynes Lee's "O. J. Simpson References"
     list?
3.45 Are you still wondering why it still doesn't include Troy McClure's
     mention of "Simpson DNA" on the 138th episode spectacular?

4. General Fandom

4.1  Have you ever written a Simpsons fanscript?
4.2  ... and posted it to ATS?
4.3  ... and gotten generally good reviews?
4.4  ... and made it yourself?
4.5  ... with the original voice artists?
4.6  ... and gotten it broadcast?
4.7  ... and won an Emmy for it?
4.8  Did you hold a vigil, tribute or memorial when Phil Hartman died?
4.9  ... when Doris Grau died?
4.10 ... when Season Ten started?
4.11 Have you ever seen Futurama?
4.12 ... and think it sucks?
4.13 ... and think it'll never be as good as The Simpsons?
4.14 Have any of the characters ever inspired you?
4.15 ... to dye your hair blue and wear it up?
4.16 ... to color your skin yellow?
4.17 ... to cut off your fifth fingers?
4.18 ... to wrap a person in a blanket and throw him/her off a bridge?
4.19 ... to cheat the IRS?
4.20 Do you think Smithers isn't gay?
4.21 ... and tried to explain yourself?
4.22 Do you know what state Springfield is in?
4.23 ... and posted an argument to ATS?
4.24 ... and gotten a "Get over it; Springfield is fictional" reply from The
     CentralScutinizer?
4.25 Do you think John Schwartzwelder's episodes aren't as good as they used
     to be?
4.26 Have you ever called in sick to work, explaining your baby hit you over
     the head with a mallet?
4.27 Did your supervisor call it the worst excuse you'd ever made up?
4.28 Have you ever developed a crush on a character on the show?
4.29 1 bonus percentage point for Lisa
4.30 2 bonus percentage points for Apu or Helen Lovejoy
4.31 5 bonus percentage points for Hans Moleman, Patty or Selma
4.32 Have you ever had a dream about The Simpsons?
4.33 ... that involved talking with Homer?
4.34 ... that involved having sex with one of the characters?
4.35 Have you ever seen an X-rated Simpsons drawing?
4.36 ... offline?
4.37 ... that disturbed you?
4.38 Have you ever drawn an X-rated Simpsons drawing?
4.39 Do you think anybody doing anything with X-rated Simpsons drawings is a
     sicko?
4.40 Have you written any questions for this quiz?
4.41 ... including this one?
4.42 ... just to imrpove your score?
4.43 Do you think you can give me a good reason to give you a perfect score
     for this quiz?
4.44 ... without using the letter 'E'?
4.45 Do you own a copy of "The Simpsons Sing the Blues"?
4.46 ... on cassette?
4.47 ... on vinyl?
4.48 ... on CD, cassette and vinyl?
4.49 Do you own a copy of "The Yellow Album"?
4.50 ... that includes "My Name is Bart, and I am Funky"?
4.51 Do you own two copies of "The Yellow Album" so you can sell one as a
     collector's item someday?
4.52 Do you own "Songs in the Key of Springfield"?
4.53 Do you still plan to buy a second copy later so you can get the puzzle?
4.54 Do you own any of the videos?
4.55 ... more than 6?
4.56 ... all 12?
4.57 Have you spent more than $20 on Simpsons merchandise in the past year?
4.58 ... more than $50?
4.59 ... more than $100?
4.60 ... more than $1000?
4.61 Have you ever misplaced your pants?
4.62 Did you know cartoons have writers?
4.63 ... before you took this quiz?
4.64 Do you have any self-recorded episodes on video?
4.65 ... all of them?
4.66 ... any that include syndication cuts?
4.67 ... from before Season Six?
4.68 Have you ever seen Maggie plug a fork into a socket?
4.69 ... on TV?
4.70 Have you ever read Simpsons Comics?
4.71 Do you have at least one issue?
4.72 ... two issues?
4.73 ... five issues?
4.74 ... ten issues?
4.75 ... twenty issues?
4.76 ... every issue?
4.77 Do you think Simpsons Comics is too juvenile?
4.78 Have you ever quoted Simpsons lines?
4.79 ... other than "d'oh" or "ay carumba"?
4.80 ... to perfect strangers?
4.81 ... alone?
4.82 ... at work? (i.e, saying "Oh no! It's Gloria Vanderbilt, out for
     revenge!" whenever you find one of her garments)
4.83 Are you REALLY head of the Quik-E-Mart?
4.84 Really?
4.85 You?
4.86 Are you still here?
4.87 Can you imitate at least one Simpsons character? 
4.88 ... at least two? 
4.89 ... at least five? 
4.90 ... all of them? 
4.91 Do you ever "act out" whole episodes by yourself? 
4.92 ... in front of others? 
4.93 Do they think you need a life and/or therapy? 
4.94 Can you think of a better way to end this quiz  than this?

Less than 10: Do you even know what "The Simpsons" is?
     10 - 15: You're only a casual fan, at most.
     15 - 20: A fairly big fan of the show, you are.
     25 - 50: A major fan, to be sure.
     51 - 100: I think this is impossible, but you're a bigger fan than I.