Missionary: Impossible Written by Ron Hauge
Directed by Steven Dean Moore
==============================================================================
Production code: BABF11 Original Airdate on FOX: 20-Feb-2000
Capsule revision A (14-Sep-2000)
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> "TV Guide" Synopsis
==============================================================================
Homer becomes a South Seas missionary to escape an angry PBS mob that
includes Betty White, who wants to collect his pledge. {jp}
==============================================================================
> Title sequence
==============================================================================
Blackboard: A BELCH IS NOT AN / ORAL REPORT
Couch: The family's couch is now the Evergreen Terrace subway stop.
(We know this because of the big "Evergreen Terrace" sign,
made out of tile, behind the couch.) A subway car comes and
picks the family up, leaving behind the empty couch.
==============================================================================
> Did You Notice...
==============================================================================
... Yeardley Smith got a significant non-Lisa role for a change? You go,
girl!
James Allen:
... Bart got past the [SNPP guard] gate on a skateboard?
Nathan DeHoff:
... the chase scene is very reminiscent of "Family Guy," which is mocked in
this episode?
Don Del Grande:
... the PBS gifts were generic, rather than associated with the show that
was being shown/just finished, which is the way it usually works?
(Even if there's no merchandise directly associated with the show, they
usually offer related merchandise - for example, a British comedy would
offer the Monty Python VHS tapes)
... Homer dialed 262-7007?
... Homer's broadcast frequency was 21,272.50 kHz, which is a "daytime"
frequency?
... there's an island in the South Pacific somewhere that's about 12,000
miles from Springfield?
... the natives sounded like they had Japanese accents?
Daniel L. Dreibelbis:
... Reverend Lovejoy using a mechanic's dolly while repairing underneath
the Church organ?
Curtis Gibby:
... Evelyn from [3F11] is behind Homer at the bank, and seems to be one of
the people in the PBS mob?
... the picture of Maggie playing airplane (behind Reverend Lovejoy in
OFF's living room)?
... Bart parks his skateboard in the driveway?
... it looks like Rupert Murdoch is drinking a Foster's beer?
Joe Green:
... Lenny and Carl no longer have their special Stonecutter parking spaces?
[And apparently the "No Homers Club" didn't give them any, either --
Ed.]
Richard E. Green:
... Homer now has his own parking space?
... even more important, Homer apparently STILL has a job at SNPP, despite
the season's history and his remark last week? [{nd} says, "or Bart
has Homer's job back, anyway" -- Ed.]
Darrel Jones:
... the PBS logo has the characteristic "Simpsons overbite"?
... the house on "Do Shut Up" has a "Manchester" pennant and a painting of
Queen Elizabeth II over the mantle? [See "Comments" section for more
about the pennant -- Ed.]
... one of the people in the PBS crowd is a lady wearing a T-shirt with a
female symbol (circle over a cross) on it?
... "Lisa Jr." actually wears an orange dress and pearl necklace similar to
Lisa's?
Joe Klemm:
... in the couch gag, Marge is the only Simpson that can be seen from the
subway window?
... of all the call receivers at the Fox Pledge Week scene, only Thurgood
has yet to be done a la the Simpsons (remember, Bender is another Matt
Groening character)?
John Plasket:
... "Do Shut Up" was on the Thames network?
Benjamin Robinson:
... the yellow Teletubbie's antenna was shaped like the "female" symbol?
... the purple Teletubbie's antenna was shaped like a martini glass with
stirrer?
... Homer really did tell the islanders all he knew about nuclear power?
... Homer seems to be on his way to bonding with Lisa Jr.?
Benjamin Shyovitz:
... at one point Homer makes the exact sound that Bender always does on
"Futurama"?
Hari Wierny:
... the "Evergreen Terrace" sign behind OFF in the couch gag?
... the over-exaggerated British accents and words? (funny, though)
... one of the producers is named JOHN FRINK? (Note: This appears just
after the woman in "Do Shut Up" scalds the two guys)
... the close up on the TV in the grocery store shows that it has no
buttons or dials whatsoever?
... the bank clerk's huge ears?
... the Teletubbies have disappeared as Rev. Lovejoy drives Homer to
safety?
... Homer sticks to his own rules? He calls Lisa "boy".
... Homer wears a turtle shell as a hard hat?
... Burns acknowledges Homer Simpson's presence only when Bart poses as
him?
... Homer appears to slim down slightly while in Microatia?
... Bart dresses just like Homer, only in smaller clothes?
... Homer didn't wheel the wheelbarrow loaded with bricks to the chapel,
instead he carried them a short distance manually?
... Homer had a red frog in his pocket when in the tower?
==============================================================================
> Voice Credits
==============================================================================
- Starring
- Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Brother 1, Brother 2, Oscar the Grouch [?],
Elmo, Rupert Murdoch)
- Julie Kavner (Marge)
- Nancy Cartwright (Bart)
- Yeardley Smith (Lisa, Lisa, Jr.)
- Hank Azaria (Man, Yo Yo Ma, Craig, Ak, Carl)
- Harry Shearer (Fred Rogers, Rev. Lovejoy, Pilot, Q'Toktok, Lenny, Burns)
- Special Guest Voice
- Betty White (Herself)
- Also Starring
- Tress MacNeille (Mum, Amy)
==============================================================================
> Movie (and other) references
==============================================================================
+ "Mission: Impossible" (TV series)
- title spoofs this series
+ Ren� Magritte (artist) {jg}
- "museum sounds" album cover similar to one of his paintings
- Publisher's Clearing House commercials {jg}
- the Pledge Enforcement Van visiting Homer at home is similar
+ Mr. Rogers (children's TV series host)
- part of crowd chasing Homer
+ Yo Yo Ma (cellist)
- part of crowd chasing Homer
+ Teletubbies (TV series)
- the 'tubbies themselves part of crowd chasing Homer [See "Comments"
section for more -- Ed.]
+ "Sesame Street" (TV series)
- Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, and Elmo were -- you guessed it -- part of
the crowd chasing Homer
- "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" (book and Disney movie) {sm} {ddg}
- Homer shouting "Sanctuary" in the church
~ "What About Bob?" {jc}
- Rev. Lovejoy making extended satisfaction sounds while eating
+ Micronesia (place) {sm}
- Microatia a reference
~ Amy Craig (producer) {hmw}
- could the duo "Craig and Amy" be a reference to this "Oprah Winfrey
Show" producer?
+ "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd (song)
- Marge misquotes the first line ("is there anybody in there?")to Homer
on the ham radio
- cadence of her voice also matches the tune {sb}
- the song is about someone in a drug-induced stupor, which describes
Homer's condition at the time [Matt P notes that in the "Wall" movie,
Pink is strung out when the song comes on -- Ed.] {dld}
+ Thomas's English Muffins {dj}
- while talking about English muffins, Homer mentions "nooks and
crannies"
- Caribbean stud poker {jc}
- island blackjack, island craps, and island Texas hold 'em
+ "The Flintstones" (TV series)
- Homer: "If 'The Flintstones' has taught us anything ..." {jg}
- animals pressed into service as machines {bjr}
- while doing so, he wears a tortoise-shell hard-hat, like the pit boss
on the show {dj}
+ "Futurama"
- Bender the robot one of the Fox pledge takers
+ "The PJs"
- as is Thurgood
+ "King of the Hill"
- Hank Hill, too
+ "Beverly Hills, 90125"
- Luke Perry is part of the pledge-taking crew
+ "X-Files"
- Mulder and Scully join the fun
==============================================================================
> Previous episode references
==============================================================================
- Previous telethons {hmw}
- [8F20] Krusty the Clown telethon for motion sickness
- [1F03] Troy McClure hosts a telethon, which Marge makes a pledge to
- Casinos
- [7F17] Abe takes his fortune to Plato's Casino
- [8F10] Homer and Marge marry at a casino
- [8F12] Lisa imagines herself in a casino
- [1F08] the Monty Burns Casino is built
- [3F31] features an outtake of James Bont gambling
- [4F01] Nelson has a poster, "Bomb the Indians and take their casinos"
- [4F04] Plato's Casino seen
- [AABF06] the Monty Burns Casino is destroyed, Homer and Ned go to Vegas
- [MG01] Someone says, "Don't let the bedbugs bite" {ddg}
- [7G09] Flanders is <apparently> jealous of Homer {hmw}
- [7G13] Adil (who's not American) asks Homer about nuclear power (cf. the
islanders (who aren't American) ask Homer about nuclear power) {cg}
- [7F17] A Simpson bets on roulette ("I got a feeling about that number ...")
{cg}
- [9F11] A ham radio is seen {dj}
- [9F14], [1F01], [2F03] Homer is deprived of beer {jg}
- [1F02] A PBS pledge drive {jg}
- [1F08] a casino is built {hmw}
- [2F03] The lack of TV and beer makes Homer go nuts {reg}
- [3F08], [AABF08] Rupert Murdoch (or someone like him) appears {bjr}
- [3G01] Mulder and Scully appear {jg}
- [4F17] Mr. Burns doesn't know the word "recycle" {cg}
- [4F22] OFF travel by subway {hmw}
- [5F03] Hank Hill appears
- [5F09] The word "wanker" is used {jg}
- [5F09] Oscar the Grouch appears {jg}
- [5F11] Episode with "undisclosed" ending {tm}
- [AABF01] being scalded in the eyes {hmw}
- [AABF01], [AABF05] Futurama referenced {hmw}
- [AABF04], [AABF19] Homer tries to run away from responsibility {dj}
- [AABF07], [BABF02] Teletubbies referenced {bjr}
- [AABF11] Manjula doesn't know the word "weekend" (cf. the islanders don't
know about TV, couches and beer.) {cg}
- [AABF18] East St. Louis is referenced {cg}
==============================================================================
> Freeze frame fun
==============================================================================
- PBS goon van {bjr}
Pledge
Enforcement [PBS logo]
Van
- Sign on card barrel {bjr}
GREETING
CARDS
$5.00 / lb.
["Greeting Cards" written in script lettering]
- Church sign {bjr}
First Church
of Springfield
BINGO
7 PM
- Logo on the missionary plane {bjr}
Christian
Relief
- Items on board (aside from Homer) {bjr}
- Prayer books, Bibles, Holy water (in cooler), and inflatable pulpits
- Casino hut sign {bjr}
THE LUCKY SAVAGE
- CASINO -
- People taking pledges for Fox
[arranged as they are seen on the dais]
Bender Thurgood Hank
Hill
Luke Rupert Det. Scully Det. Mulder
Perry Murdoch
==============================================================================
> Animation, continuity, and other goofs
==============================================================================
* Didn't Thames Television pretty much go out of business a few years ago
when Carlton TV became the London-area ITV broadcaster?
* There's no such soccer team as "Manchester"; there's Manchester City and
Manchester United. {ddg}
c Homer says "having a row," while the closet captioning reads "starting a
row." {bjr}
- Bart "escapes" through the living room window, but then, we see lines over
it, indicating it's closed. {dj}
* Since when have OFF had a swing in their garden? {hmw}
= The swing disappears in the next shot. {hmw}
= The window on Reverend Lovejoy's car is all the way down in the outside
shot, but only *mostly* down in the previous shot from inside the car.
{cg}
= The amount of pie on Rev. Lovejoy's dish changes. {hmw}
* The antenna on Marge's transmitter wasn't nearly big enough to reach a
receiver 12,000 miles away - and even if it was, since when did any of them
have a ham radio license? {ddg}
* We see daytime in both Springfield and Microatia at the same time, despite
the fact that they're half a world away from each other. {cg}
= The "Christian Relief" text on the plane disappears. {hmw}
= The two boxes Homer is left with in Micro-Asia quickly turns to one. {hmw}
= Homer gets the Bible he gives to Lisa Jr. from nowhere. {hmw}
= The testicle Homer was drinking disappears upon dropping it. {hmw}
= Homer isn't looking at the Bible as he reads from it. {hmw}
= Bart pulls his framed picture of Krusty out of nowhere. {hmw}
= Q'Toktok's hair is black instead of gray when he says, "I told you we
should have asked them." {bjr}
* The verse that Homer read isn't in the Book of Psalms, at least not in the
KJV that I have. (Okay, I know it was a joke, but still ...) {cg}
* In craps, only two dice are rolled. Yet, the Microatian seems to be
rolling three dice ... {jk}
* ... one of [the die] had 4 next to 3 ... {ddg}
* ... and [the craps game] is played on a roulette layout? [Must have been
island craps! -- Ed.] {ddg}
* The Texas Hold'em game appeared to be a "banked" game (i.e. one where
everybody plays separately against the house), but it's really a poker game
where the players compete against each other. {ddg}
* In the crowd scene at the roulette wheel, there are only 18 numbers on the
wheel, and 0 and 00 have disappeared. {ddg}
* How did Lisa Jr. get up the tower so fast when she rings the bell? {hmw}
==============================================================================
> Reviews
==============================================================================
Nate Birch: Wow, I find myself pleasantly surprised to find that this episode
wasn't the piece of crap I thought it would be. This episode manages to
imitate classic Simpsons episodes, in that it has a far-out storyline, but
manages to make it seem plausible. The jokes were fresh and interesting,
and a bit more attention was paid the plot then usual (i.e. they actually
remembered Homer has a job). Not perfect though as the whole casino thing
was laid on pretty thick, and is it just me or this show getting a bit too
religious? They used to make fun of the church, now they seem to praise it
on a weekly basis. Ron Hauge comes up with another solid episode. (B+)
Nathan DeHoff: I have mixed feelings on this episode. I think it was pretty
amusing overall; I loved Homer's ridiculous attempts to teach religion.
The subplot, with Bart becoming the man of the house, wasn't developed all
that well. His interactions with Mr. Burns and Marge were pretty funny,
but there wasn't really enough time spent on it. I guess they didn't want
to do another "kid takes over the family" plot so soon after "Little Big
Mom," but, if that's the case, why even introduce the subplot? Also, I
would have liked some resolution. True, the joke they made out of the lack
of resolution was amusing, but the fact remains that the plot wasn't
resolved. I guess they'd already used up their quota of goofy chase scenes
with that PBS thing. (B-)
Daniel L. Dreibelbis: Man, I haven't laughed so hard consistently through an
episode in a long time! Though yet another wacky Homer adventure, there
are a lot of great gags throughout this, and the twist ending is actually
quite clever and incisive in its satire. And they even remembered to
include the rest of the family in the plot as well. (A+)
Curtis Gibby: I was really impressed with this one. It had satire, cultural
references [...], and an overall feeling that was reminiscent of the best
seasons of the show. It also incorporated the silliness of recent seasons,
but in an interesting way that I did not find disagreeable. I loved the
way the writers played with the conventions of the television industry,
especially the Fox telethon cutting off the Homer plot. The end seemed a
lot like the John Madden/Pat Summerhay's commentary at the end of [AABF08],
but it worked a lot better here. Anyway, by adding up all of the positive
points, and subtracting a couple for the gratuitous and relatively unfunny
chase scene, my final grade for this episode is an (A-)
Carl Johnson: Say what you will about the ending, it worked for me. This
story (sadly?) is the best of the season, only because it realized it
couldn't finish itself in the time allotted and acknowledged it in a unique
sort of way. Unfortunately, Bart's subplot could have been so much more
than it was, and the beginning of the second act was lackluster. Very good
first act though, with an excellent slam at those annoying PBS
grovel-athons; Homer did what every man has considered doing at some point
by donating money just to shut them up. (C+)
Darrel Jones: What a stinker of an ep! Sure, it's not the worst of the
season, but it's up there. The only great parts were Homer running away
from the PBS mob, and the oh-so-hilarious ending sequence. I'll gladly
forgive the writers for the half-assed ending to the main plot. Still,
only worthy of a 6/10 (C-)
Joe Klemm: After seeing the awful first act, which is one of the dumbest in
history, I had a feeling this would be a bad "***hole Homer" episode that
would suck. However, once Homer gets on the island, it all uphill from
there. It is hands down very funny to see the Islanders finding Homer a
person to help them, as well as the idea of having one of the Islanders
have Lisa's voice. However, the best part has to be the ending, in which
the storyline was nothing more than a plug for the Fox pledge week, which
has to be one of the cleverest ways to end a season 11 episode. (B-)
Jake Lennington: Well, thank you Mr. Scully for pulling off tonight's ep.
Not only was I LMAO during the PBS attack, but the ending was a great slam
on those PBS "cliffhangers." Overall, I'd give it a well deserved 'A'. (I
wish that sassy robot would've said something, though) :) (A)
Andrew Levine: This episode drew a lot of bitingly negative reviews when it
aired. But it's way too conventional and typical of the Scully era to
really be irritating. Fifteen minutes after pressing the STOP button on my
VCR, I can already feel entire scenes slipping from my memory. I seem to
recall Homer getting chased by normally innocuous people, hiding in some
tropical paradise, and then, to my great surprise, proceeding to
semi-inadvertently destroy it, and I'm pretty sure there was some slapdash,
flippant ending -- Say, what episode am I reviewing again? (C-)
Patrick McGovern: The most self-satirizing episode since I&S&P, and it WAS a
satire. The telethon at the end, "Homer's Crazy Adventures", Bart as
Homer, etc ... very clever. Made for interesting and funny viewing, even
if it wasn't cohesive or really sensible. I liked seeing Homer do
something well, though. A definite mixed bag. (B-)
Michael Nusair: The first five minutes or so were okay, but the whole thing
went completely downhill starting with the wacky chase scene. I mean, if
they're going to put in an ultra-wacky chase scene, the least they could do
was make it funny. A few laughs could have made up for it. But it wasn't.
And everything with Homer on that island was pretty stupid. The stuff with
Bart taking over Homer's job was good, but short. Maybe if they had put
more of a focus on that, and less of Homer's island wackiness, the episode
could have been better. Maybe. I won't even get into that ending. Ughh.
(C-)
Chris Palm: Hmph ... I'm not sure HOW to review this one, actually. It had
some hilarious moments, such as the beginning PBS Pledge bit, with a great
guest voice courtesy of Betty White. But then ... woohoo. Another
everyone chase Homer scene, with the usual amount of wackiness ... heck,
slightly more than usual. The Teletubbies and Sesame Street characters
just weren't right at all. The island part, however, was fine. Homer
licking frogs turned out to be more amusing than I thought it would. I was
all ready to ignore the chase and give this one a decent grade, but the
ending blew it. Yes, it was clever and amusing ... but it was also just a
sloppy way to wrap up the episode. (C)
John Plasket: Did I hear someone say "wackiness ensues?" Well, someone
should've, because that is EXACTLY what happens when Homer warps the brains
of an island culture. I loved the PBS sequence at the beginning, and the
running frog-licking gag, the main plot of course, but the ending just
pissed me off. I don't like to be left hanging. I wanna be danging, with
their dang good stuff. In my opinion, the ending was designed to piss off
two groups of people. One was its loyal fans (it worked,) and the second,
what REALLY redeems this ending, is Fox executives. As some may recall,
this episode originally earned an F from me, but once the initial shock
died down, I decided to give it a well deserved (B-)
Leo Tokarski: This is the worst episode I've seen since "E-I-E-I-D'oh!"
Homer as a missionary is the perfect weird situation, but the writers
totally screwed it up. Only such gags as the frog-licking and "Jebus"
saved it from an F. And what the heck happened to Homer! Plus, even Burns
wouldn't mistake Bart for Homer (unless he just had that restorative
treatment mentioned in the one episode where Mulder and Scully
guest-starred). In the immortal words of Krusty the Klown, "I could pull a
better cartoon out of my ... hey, hey!" (D-)
Hari Wierny: Absolute crap. The episode was completely ineligible. From the
beginning to the end, the episode never ceased to be unfunny, unrealistic
and just plain annoying. "Do Shut Up" and Bart taking Homer's job were
good, but hitherto, I don't think I've ever watched an episode in as much
pain. (D)
Yours Truly: "Missionary: Impossible" does remarkably well at its improbable
mission of making its absurd premise entertaining. The first act, with its
enraged PBS mob chasing Homer, starts a bit slowly, but picks up steam when
it deposits Homer on the island. The ways he corrupts the islands'
population are pretty amusing, island girl "Lisa Jr." was a clever and
charming idea, and the deliberately unresolved ending tied in nicely with
the first act. I wish some of these concepts these had been explored a
little more, with Homer introducing, say, donuts, or the concept of
slacking off. In the end this episode was more exciting for the
possibilities it raises than for what it actually gets around to doing.
(B-)
AVERAGE GRADE: B (2.86) Std Dev.: 0.9975 (27 reviews computed)
==============================================================================
> Comments and other observations
==============================================================================
>> Meta-References
Benjamin Robinson: At the end of the episode, Bart is credited with saving
Fox. In real life, "The Simpsons" is frequently cited as being one of the
shows that put the network on the map.
>> Musical References
Darek M.: "No Feelings", one of the Sex Pistols' songs, is played during "Do
Shut Up."
>> THE STORY OF THAMES TELEVISION
As told by Ryan Mead: I found out the Thames story on the internet, and
turned it into this fairy tale. (Ask an Englishman-it'll make sense to
him!)
(Thames theme) Doo doo doo dee dee dee dee ...
Once upon a time, there was a country called The United Kingdom, an
invention called Television, and a city called London. In this London
there was Thames on weekdays and LWT on weekends, since that stood for
London Weekend Television. Later, the evil Carlton became the broadcaster,
evil because they ate Central and Westcountry and put their logo on it.
Thames still exists, but as a production company under Pearson Television,
with a rectangular logo unlike their classic one. The End for now.
Since "Do Shut Up" is England's longest-running series with seven episodes,
it must be an old show. (It has Thames' old logo.)
David Brunt, an Englishman, adds: That's about right. Carlton took over on 1
January 1993, so it would've been a *very* old show.
The most famous Thames shows broadcast in the US were with Benny Hill. The
original versions of long-running US comedies hailed from Thames - "Man
About the House" (remade as "Three's Company"), George and Mildred (as "The
Ropers"). Several other adaptations were also done.
>> British talk
America and England are two nations divided by a common language, as Hari
Wierny explains: A little explanation of some of the dialogue on "Do Shut
Up". Homer says, "if they're not having a go with the bird, they're rout."
"Having a go" means being intimate, and "the bird" means the lover.
>> England's longest-running sitcom!
Arjun explains the joke: In the US, extremely popular shows run for years
(like The Simpsons). In the UK, even the most popular shows only run for a
couple years, maybe three, and then end, even if they are still popular.
Even the most popular of UK shows, like Fawlty Towers, ended after a few
years.
Richard Copping writes: Most British sitcoms are only written by 1 or 2
people rather that the big committees you get in the US, and it's done a
bit less scientifically. I remember reading somewhere how on sitcoms like
Friends they have to make sure there are a certain number of jokes on each
page of the script, whereas in Britain it's just one or two guys writing a
whole series on their own, which also accounts for the way there are only 6
(or occasionally 8) episodes per series.
>> Glory, glory, Man United!
Hari Wierny: The football (soccer) sign in "Do Shut Up," reads "Manchester."
There are two famous Manchester-based football teams in Britain.
Manchester City and Manchester United. My money goes on the latter in
which team the two slobs support. Manchester United is arguably the most
popular football team in Britain, with a wide range of merchandise besides
the clothes kit, spanning everything, from wallpaper, to curtains, to
stationary, to bootleg South Park-style posters. They even released a
single ("Glory Glory Man United" I believe it was called) in the mid-
Nineties, and another a little more recently which didn't do as well as the
first.
Alistair Harrison: Also, the hooligans had cockney accents and it's a general
perception among the more enlightened English soccer fans (i.e. ones who
loathe ManU with an intensity)that all Man U fans come from London. Most
people in the greater Manchester area supporting other teams. It's kind of
a Packers/Cowboys/Yankees thing.
V. Paterno adds: [Fox network owner Rupert] Murdoch attempted to purchase
Manchester United, arguably the world's best known soccer team, for $1
billion last year (more than twice as much as the Los Angeles Dodgers
purchase), but I believe the deal fell through. [{ddg} writes, "The
English government decided that it would cause a conflict of interest as
Murdoch's SkyTV is a soccer broadcaster" -- Ed.]
>> This ... is PBS
Benjamin Robinson explains: In many other countries, television networks are
either wholly or partly operated by the government. With no pressure to
cater to public whim, it easy to put socially useful but marginally
profitable shows on the air. In the United States, there is a long-
standing distrust of public media, and TV networks are privately owned and
operated with (relatively) little government intervention. These networks
gave the people what they asked for, and what they asked for was mainly
low-brow entertainment.
This state of affairs disturbed intellectuals, and particularly those with
a liberal leaning. They felt television had an untapped potential to bring
the public entertaining and inspiring "quality" programs. Rather than
browbeat the commercial networks into airing these shows, their proponents
in the government instead founded the PBS (Public Broadcasting System).
The network would air this cultured programming without commercials, and
without pressures from the sponsors. (In those days, sponsors had more
creative control over programming than they do now. A no-advertising
policy was thus very important.) A few PBS shows, mainly children's
programming like "Sesame Street" and "Barney," became big enough to reach a
mainstream audience.
R. Schram disagreed with this description, saying that it overstated the
government's role in PBS: This is from the Corporation for Public
Broadcasting website (www.cpb.org)
"What is the Corporation for Public Broadcasting? CPB is a private,
nonprofit corporation created by Congress in 1967. The Corporation is not a
government agency. It promotes public telecommunications services
(television, radio, and online) for the American people ... Most CPB-funded
television programs are distributed through the Public Broadcasting Service
(PBS). CPB-funded radio programs are distributed primarily through
National Public Radio (NPR) and Public Radio International (PRI). CPB
created PBS in 1969 and NPR in 1970."
Seth Miller replies: I happen to be a strong supporter of the CPB, (actually
I am nothing but a common thief, I probably listen to about 2 hours of
public radio a day but never contribute) but to be honest, their propaganda
about being "non-governmental" is a bit disingenuous. The CPB is
essentially the clearinghouse for federally appropriated dollars to be sent
to public broadcasting, and according to their own figures, about 40.3% of
funding for public broadcasting comes from federal, state, and local
governments or state funded colleges.
So does Benjamin Robinson: For something that claims not to be a Federal
agency, PBS sure seems to rely heavily on public funding. From
<http://www.pbs.org/insidepbs/news/fy96budget.html>: "[Quoting PBS
President Ervan S. Duggan] "PBS member stations are already operating on
razor-thin margins in uncertain financial times. Federal funding is
crucial to our stations' ability to design and deliver services used each
week by more than 100 million adults and children."
The article goes on to say that the "bulk" of their budget comes from fees
paid by the affiliates. (The affiliates get their dough from you, which is
why they have the pledge drives.) If I gave the impression that PBS was
entirely government-funded, then I apologize.
Besides, "a private, nonprofit corporation created by Congress?" I dunno,
that sounds pretty governmental to me.
>> America's finest programming ... direct from England!
Benjamin Robinson: Speaking of PBS programming, quite a bit of it comes from
England, where everything is automatically considered vastly more cultured
and upper-crust than anything made here. That's true even of "Britcoms,"
or sitcoms made you-know-where. Many British comedies -- "Monty Python's
Flying Circus" [*] and "Fawlty Towers" come to mind -- are more highly
regarded than their American counterparts. In my opinion, quite a few of
the rest are just like the schlock we get Stateside, only with harder-to-
understand accents. Series runs in the UK are pretty short. The pledge
drive host wasn't kidding when he called "Do Shut Up" long-lived at seven
episodes. Many of these British shows are distributed by the Thames group;
their logo can be seen on the telly at the start of tonight's show.
[*] Seth Miller warns: Be careful not to suggest that "Monty Python's Flying
Circus" is a sitcom.
Daniel L. Dreibelbis: BTW, PBS does show a lot of British comedies and
dramas, and some of the comedies do portray the type of stereotypes that
"Shut Up" showed, probably most notable being "Father Ted", a comedy about
Irish priests.
>> This post is supported by viewers like you.
John Plasket: The Public Broadcasting System doesn't advertise (well, except
for its own programming), so where do they get their money from? Poor,
pitiful viewers. Every once in a while, our favorite PBS programs (mostly
Britcoms such as Red Dwarf and Black Adder) get interrupted by money
beggars who threaten to pull these programs if they don't get their
precious, precious money. It is unconfirmed whether they have ever reached
their goals. Maybe one day, Steve Forbes will call in and donate all of
their needed money, like in Mad Magazine.
Benjamin Robinson elaborates: Conservatives immediately hated the idea of a
taxpayer-funded network and have fought to either eliminate or cut its
funding. The rise of cable also provided another outlet for niche
programming for both the Lisas and the Homers of this world. (Homer
alluded to this when giving his speech to the PBS pledge enforcers.) As a
result, PBS must look to revenue sources outside of government grants.
*Corporate* grants are a pretty good place to start. Sponsorships by
pharmaceutical firms, automakers, and other large businesses help burnish
the corporate image, and presumably make a good tax write-off. The Chubb
Group is one such frequent contributor.
R. Schram adds: WHYY [a Philadelphia public station whose existence preceded
PBS] received its radio facilities from donations from Westinghouse. So,
corporate relationships with public broadcasting did not begin with eerily
commercial-like and longer underwriting announcements in 1997 (around the
time of the latest Republican attacks on CPB/PBS). Also recall that before
CPB started funding TV shows for PBS, there was "Masterpiece Theater,"
created and paid for by Mobil.
Benjamin Robinson, again: To make up any shortfalls, PBS stations turn to
pledge drives. During pledge weeks, stations will interrupt programming
and exhort viewers to send in money. The stations use a carrot-and-stick
approach. One workable strategy is to guilt-trip the viewers by saying
their money is desperately needed to carry on PBS's good works. If guilt
doesn't work, bribery might: The second popular approach is to offer
premiums for certain levels of donations. Tote bags with the station's or
the PBS network's logo are really common premiums, for some reason.
Umbrellas are another common give-away, as are albums with music from PBS
musical specials. When "Riverdance" made the PBS rounds a few years back,
videos and albums from the event were quite popular.
Using historical data, PBS station managers can guess in advance how many
people will default on their pledges. They can use this data to figure out
what dollar amount to set as a goal. I doubt real-life enforcement is as
aggressive as what we saw in tonight's episode.
Jeremy Reaban: Actually, where I live (St. Louis) the local PBS station does
advertise. Not during shows, but in between. Not quite the regular
commercials on TV - mostly services (like rent a car companies, doctors,
real estate agencies, etc), as well as their own products (the have a
retail store, and an internet provider).
Don Del Grande's PBS station has the right idea: One of the stations I'm a
member of (San Jose's KTEH) has a way of letting you know when the goal is
reached: they immediately end the pledge breaks for that night.
Daniel L. Dreibelbis: the US Network Public Broadcasting System, since they
don't rely on revenues from television commercials to operate and to buy
foreign programming as well as to produce their own home-grown variety,
often run membership and pledge drives during marathon running of episodes
of television shows, often with a fair amount of playing on people's guilt
and arm-twisting.
Eerily, two things similar to what happened in this episode actually
happened on the Ontario public television network TVO, which also runs
pledges and asks for donations: one pledge host had told an audience for
Barney the Dinosaur that not paying for public broadcasting was stealing
(there was a round of criticism for them exploiting the feelings of young
children), and another host had said that, if pledges weren't forthcoming,
that they might have to start taking in commercials "and start showing
Married, With Children" if they hoped to survive.
>> Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Laa Laa, Po
Hari Wierny notes: Some of the oddities aiding PBS in chasing Homer are the
"Teletubbies," a gang of gibberish-talking eight foot creatures made of
furry cloth. The 'tubbies originated in the United Kingdom, which may
explain why they're helping PBS. [Also, in the States they appear on PBS -
- Ed.] I remember a few years ago, in 1997, when they first came about, a
lot of people in the UK were big fans of the show, aging from babies to
adults, but especially teens, despite the show's seriously simple nature.
Thankfully, the craze faded away as suddenly as it arrived.
>> Save me, Jebus!
In his hour of need, Homer calls on the name of ... Jebus? Most people felt
that this was simply Homer's corruption of, "Jesus." Others, however, had
more creative explanations.
David Brunt: Jebusite = 17th century nickname for a Roman Catholic (i.e.
people of Jebus). Work out the rest.
Bret: Maybe I'm being a bit too simplistic in trying to understand it, but do
you think it could be Homer's confusion over the expression "BeJebus?" As
in, "I'm going to beat the holy BeJebus out of you." [Another user,
"Dilba," says he also says "bejebus" instead of "bejeezus."
Jonathan Brock: Maybe a corruption of "Jevus" for some reason?
Trole Ling: JEBUS = It's a gay reference ... John, Ed, Bob, Under Steve ...
from the "Police Academy" series.
Clay Boeschen: I'm not a Police Academy fan, but Jebus was used in a classic
(of the newer seasons) Saturday Night Live skit, Death Row Bloopers. The
preacher is reading off something to an inmate about to be sent to the
electric chair and reads "Jesus" as "Jebus" ... I believe this one aired in
'96 or '97?
"Little Girl": A quick net search came up with it being another name for
Jerusalem. I assumed it was just Homer's ignorance of religion (much like
my own) but here is the link to the bible:
<http://www.aggelia.com/bible/joshua/18.htm>. Then again, I'm the last one
to ask because I know nothing about religion. [For what it's worth, the
word "Jebusite" shows up at least twice in my copy of the Holy Scriptures -
- Joshua 18:16, and Joshua 18:28. The second instance equates "Jebusite"
with "Jerusalem" -- Ed.]
"Ratboy" Dave: I ain't buying it [the theory that Homer simply mispronounced
the name]. You don't have to be a devout Christian to have heard of Jesus
Christ. There's no way any intelligent person can believe that Homer
really thought 'Jesus' has a B in it.
Michael Nusair: Remember, this is the same Homer who ate toxic waste.
*Toxic* waste.
Vimal Vora: Aren't you guys forgetting that Homer regularly forgets Jesus?
Remember when Homer starts his own religion? He talks to Lisa and Bart and
says, "Let me tell you about another 'crazy guy.' He had long hair and
some wild ideas, and he didn't always listen to what people said was right.
And that guy's name is ... I forget. But the moral of the story is ... I
forget that too." I think there was another instance where he forgot about
Jesus. obviously it's not really plausible that a man who goes to church
every week would forget Jesse's name, but homer has done some pretty dumb
things ....
Jeremy McCarthy: I was watching an episode of Family Guy that I had taped
from last week (it was one with Peter's father and the Pope in it), and
there was a scene in it with some of the Catholic leaders the Pope was
travelling with, and they were sitting around in a hotel room. They're all
reading bibles, except for one who has this staff-thing and looks like the
main guy out of them all, bar the Pope himself (sorry - don't know much
about the Catholic faith). Anyway, one of the guys says to the main guy
"huh - hey, did you ever notice this? On page 375 it says 'Jebus'". The
main guy responds "It's supposed to be 'Jesus', right?"
What's up with THAT?!? Considering the Simpsons' 'Jebus' joke was in an
episode with a Family Guy reference at the end (Where Betty White turns the
TV off), it's seems quite strange. So, did they BOTH come up with this
obscure joke, or were The Simpsons doing some kind of take on the Family
Guy joke (which I can't see, as I'm sure the episode was written well
before the FG ep actually aired). The truth is out there ...
17th Century Catholics, place names, Police Academy, and Saturday Night
Live (and now Family Guy and The Simpsons) - 'Jebus' is a more common word
than I thought. I looked up Altavista before and they have 1599 sites
referring to the word. There was even a 'Jebus' website
(http://members.aol.com/jebus/index-a.htm). I think it was a homepage of
some Christian guy who called himself 'Jebus' as a nickname, or something.
Hey, maybe he's the guy Homer's referring to when he's wanting to be saved
... or not.
>> Animal Kingdom
Christian Kammerer: Another interesting creature featured on this episode,
the "brain parasite butterfly", joins the increasingly long list of
mythical insects dreamed up by the writers, but actually isn't as
farfetched as one might think. In Southeast Asia, moths of the species
_Calpe eustrigata_ have powerful proboscises that they use to puncture the
flesh of mammals and drink the blood! They can feed for up to an hour on
larger creatures, and their bites are supposed to be extremely painful.
So, the concept of butterflies feeding under human flesh actually exists.
Steve Cross observes: Interesting that it didn't have any subsequent effect
on Homer. I reckon once the brain parasite got into his skull, it starved
to death. :-)
>> Gambler's paradise
Benjamin Robinson: In the United States, Las Vegas, Nevada, and Atlantic
City, New Jersey, are the two focal points for casinos and gambling. In
fact, until recently these were the only two cities where casinos could
legally exist. Of the two, Vegas is definitely ritzier. Atlantic City
adopted gambling in the hopes of revitalizing what had become a run-down
town. The result was a seaside boardwalk with a string of garish casinos,
and an even more run-down city that mainly provides tour buses with a place
to park.
By the way, blackjack is a card game in which the object is to score as
close to twenty-one points as you can, without going over. Number cards
are worth that number of points (e.g., if you draw a seven of clubs, you'd
have seven points). Face cards are worth ten points. If you get an ace,
you can call it either one point, or eleven, depending on which one works
best for you. For instance, if you have a face card and an ace, declaring
the ace as eleven adds up to twenty-one. On the other hand, if you have an
eight, a seven, and an ace, you would need to declare the ace as a one.
Otherwise, you'd have twenty-six, and would lose.
Nate Birch adds: As most people know (or maybe they don't) most Aboriginal
people in North America were long ago put onto small reserves usually on
bad land, where alcohol abuse and suicide rates are very high. Since
gaining more independence Native reserves in Canada and the US have decided
that one of the best ways to increase employment on reserves where in many
cases 90% of the population is unemployed, is to open casinos. Many people
(mostly white people) have criticized this plan saying that a casino will
just create new vices for the people of the reserves, while most Native
people claim it is helping the reserve. It would seem the writer of this
episode (Ron Hauge) is against the idea judging from what is depicted
happening to the islanders once Homer builds the casino. The difference
though, is while Native reserves in North America are building the casinos
of they're own free will to try to create opportunities, the islanders in
the Simpsons has no desire for a casino, and seemed to be living an idyllic
lifestyle before the casino was created ...
>> "Now I know how Bob Stupak feels"
While we're on the subject of casino gambling, Hari Wierny writes: Bob Stupak
built the famous $550 million "Stratosphere" casino/hotel in Vegas on the
site of his own Vegas World. He lost authority over the Stratosphere at
some point, and in 1997, the company filed for bankruptcy. I don't know
much about it myself, but as of June 2000, there is a page of information
here: <http://www.lvstriphistory.com/world.htm>
>> The big boom
Benjamin Robinson: During the late 40s and early 50s, the United States
conducted nuclear weapons testing in the South Pacific. A bomb would be
set up on an uninhabited [*] island, detonated, and the results observed.
(Generally, the result was a really big explosion.) The testing was wound
down in accordance with international treaties [**], but the effects
linger. Islanders in the region today claim that radioactive fallout has
poisoned their environment and caused various radiation-borne illnesses in
their children.
[*] And if the island wasn't uninhabited before the test, it certainly was
afterward.
[**] R. Schram identifies the treaty: You probably mean the 1963 Limited Test
Ban Treaty between Great Britain, the US and the Soviet Union that banned
above-ground testing. As a matter of fact, there is only one multilateral
treaty that would ban most nuclear tests, the Comprehensive Nuclear Test
Ban Treaty, as of yet, not ratified by the US.
R. Schram asserts: There are no allegations that the US destroyed ecosystems
by bombing in the Pacific!
Benjamin Robinson answers: In September of 1978 Bikini island was still so
radioactive that the Atomic Energy Commission ordered an evacuation. More
recently, the AEC has been accused of deliberately permitting people to
return to the islands, just so they can study the effects of a contaminated
environment on the people who live there. Today, there is still a higher-
than-normal incidence of thyroid diseases and the like.
(Source:<http://www.rmiembassyus.org/nucchron.html>.) This is not a
"destroyed ecosystem" to you?
>> Urban Legend Alert!
Surprisingly, not from Haynes Lee. This one comes courtesy of Daniel
Dreibelbis: TOAD LICKING: Homer getting high from licking the backs of
toads? Well, according to legend, the Australian Cane Toad was licked by
natives as an intoxicant, and the US Drug Enforcement Administration did
test the chemical bufotenine these toads (which had been imported to the US
to combat insect infestations but wound up becoming even more of a pest to
US farmers) secrete, only to ban it when their test subjects suffered
negative side effects. Ironically, it was this case of "tell them they
can't have it, and they'll want it" that caused some people to actually try
licking cane toads in the 1960s; there was another spate of this in the
1990s that caused the media to run horror stories about the practice being
more wide-spread than it actually was, with such memorable titles as "Toads
Take A Licking From Desperate Druggies" and "How Low Will People Stoop To
Get High?"
Actually, Homer wouldn't have gotten high, he would've gotten very sick
from licking a toad's back: toads' secretions are designed to make them
very unpalatable to predators, and some are toxic enough to cause
blistering.
(Source: Jan Harold Brunvand, THE BABY TRAIN, pp. 111-112. Also check out
the film CANE TOADS: AN UNNATURAL HISTORY).
Christian Kammerer: Homer's licking of frogs for their hallucinogenic
properties featured highly in this episode, but unfortunately, it is highly
unlikely that he would find these animals in the South Pacific. South
Pacific islands are notorious for their paucity of amphibian species, and
all together there are only a few dozen frog species (mostly in the genera
Platymantis and Litoria, and mostly on the Solomon Islands) which live
there. Moreover, to the best of my knowledge none of these species
produces dermal toxins with psychoactive properties. The more famous
"psychedelic frogs" come from South America, especially the Phyllomedusa
and dendrobatid frogs (which, incidentally, closely resemble the
"Microatian" frogs). As a final note, the marine toad (Bufo marinus) has
been introduced throughout the South Pacific and DOES secrete psychoactive
chemicals (of all sorts, but notably bufoteinin). However, not only is it
a drab brown in color, but it is so toxic that Homer would be dead after
licking it.
Dean Humphries, after doing a little research on the web, found: Licktoad
(lik'tod), adj. 1. the act of licking the infamous Bufo Aolvarius (and Bufo
Marinus) Psychedelic Toad, known to secrete an hallucinogenic hormone as a
deterrence to predators. The toxin is secreted through glands located on
the toads neck and feet when agitated; episodes of toadlicking often turn
up in the newspapers as another generation of thrill seekers learns of the
powerful but short-lived effects of the toads venom. The toads contain
bufotenine and related 5-hydroxy-methoxy-indolethylamines and licking these
amphibians is dangerous, so kids, don't try this at home.
[Mr. Humphries also notes that more information is available at
<http://realindy.com/lickill.htm> -- Ed.]
>> Hagar the Horrible
Benjamin Robinson: This is a nationally syndicated strip about a Viking, his
family, and his horde. There's some drinking and fighting -- hey, these
*are* Vikings, after all -- but the strip is fairly innocuous.
>> So, how *did* they survive?
David Levy has this proposal for the ending we didn't see: We can assume that
Homer and "Lisa Jr." were rescued at the last second ... say, by Moe
swooping in with his stolen "Fan Man" outfit. ("I came to return ya to
civilization, Homer. You're the only one who can distract Barney long
enough for me to have him towed outta the bar at night" ... or something to
that effect.)
>> Miscellaneous, Etc.
The Andrew Levine -- that's right, Andrew Levine -- alterna-title for this
episode is: The Gods Must Be Balding
Daniel L. Dreibelbis: BETTY WHITE: well-known television personality best
known as Sue Anne Nivens on THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, and as the ditzy
Rose on THE GOLDEN GIRLS.
Benjamin Robinson: Speaking of "Lisa Jr.", does anyone else get the sense
this is what Homer would have called Maggie, if Marge hadn't intervened?
Hari Wierny: [This episode] first aired in the UK on Sunday 28th May, 2000.
==============================================================================
> Quotes and Scene Summary {bjr}
==============================================================================
% Homer's watching TV. That's not unusual, but his choice of
% programming is.
Bart: You're watching PBS?
Homer: Hey, I'm as surprised as you, but I stumbled across the
most delicious British sitcom.
[the title of the show appears on the screen]
Bart: [reading it] "Do Shut Up"?
Homer: It's about a hard-drinking yet loving family of soccer
hooligans. If they're not having a go with the birds,
they're having a row with the wankers.
Bart: Cheeky.
-- "Missionary: Impossible"
% On screen, Eighties punk music plays as two brothers celebrate
% Christmas, hooligan-style.
Brother 1: Jolly sodding X-mas, major. [presents a bottle of
beer] Choke on it! [whacks the other man over the
head with it. Bart and Homer laugh]
Brother 2: Oh, crikey! You gave me a smash on the noggin last
year.
[pulls out a crowbar, and the two begin to fight]
Mum: [walks into the room with a teapot of water] Not in
my parlor, you don't. [throws the water on them]
Brother 2: Aw, me eyes!
Brother 1: Aw, I'm scalded, I am.
Homer: The mother's the voice of reason.
Bart: Here come the cricket bats.
[the two brothers advance on their mother]
Mum: You don't have the cobbles.
[suddenly, the show is interrupted by a man wearing
a sweater]
Man: [chuckles] Classic. Not hard to see why it's
England's longest-running series, and today, we're
showing all seven episodes.
-- The network wanted eight, but the writing was getting stale,
"Missionary: Impossible"
% Yes, it's that scourge of public-television enthusiasts everywhere:
% The pledge drive. Bart groans with frustration. Today, actress
% Betty White helps beg the viewers for money.
If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute, you're a
thief. A common thief!
-- Betty White, "Missionary: Impossible"
% To entice viewer generosity, the two describe the thank-you gifts
% the network offers.
Man: With your donation, you'll receive this classic PBS tote
bag. [holds it up]
White: Or this umbrella -- [opens it] featuring a picture of our
classic tote bag.
Man: [holds up a CD] And the next twenty callers will get this
album of museum noises. Now your music room can sound
just like the Metropolitan Museum in New York.
[we hear footsteps echo through a quiet hall, then a
cough]
Outstanding.
Homer: Why are you torturing me? I'm just a man!
-- "Missionary: Impossible"
% Ms. White claims that only US$10,000 more is needed before the
% conclusion of "Do Shut Up" can roll. Eager to get things moving as
% quickly as possible, Homer dials the PBS pledge number and promises
% the entire ten grand -- anonymously.
Bart: Dad, you don't have ten thousand dollars.
Homer: Eh. How are they going to find me?
[at PBS Pledge Central, the "mercury" in a thermometer
display rises all the way to the top and rings a bell]
White: Folks, we've just reached our goal of ten thousand, seven
hundred dollars, and it's all thanks to one generous
caller ... who didn't leave his name.
Homer: [laughs]
White: But thanks to Insta-Trace, we've learned it's Homer
Simpson, of 742 Evergreen Terrace. [a picture of Homer
appears on the screen. He screams]
Homer: Oh, why did I register with Insta-Trace?
-- For the Insta-Trace tote bag? "Missionary: Impossible"
% There's no time for regret now with the PBS Pledge Enforcement Van
% on its way. Bart beats a hasty retreat to the back yard, where he
% plays on the swing set.
%
% As promised, the van swiftly arrives, carrying a complete TV crew
% and various other hangers-on. Homer answers their knock, and the
% pledge drive man hails him as, "the man who saved PBS." Meanwhile,
% in a store where Marge and Lisa are shopping, a wall of TVs shows
% the scene.
Lisa: Mom, Dad's on PBS!
Marge: Hmm? They don't show police chases, do they?
Homer: [on TV] Um, it's an honor to give ten thousand dollars.
Especially now, when the rich mosaic of cable programming
has made public television so very, very unnecessary.
[the crowd claps]
Marge: From now on, one of us always stays home.
Lisa: Agreed.
-- "Missionary: Impossible"
% Homer offers to write a check later, when the banks open. Betty
% White points out that it's only 12:15 (and a weekday, presumably).
% Insisting that they'll probably be closed, Homer agrees to head to
% the bank anyway.
%
% At the bank, Homer peers through the window at the activity within.
% People are walking in and out, doing business with the tellers and
% talking with the loan officers, but Homer still tries feigning that
% the bank is closed. The PBS people, perhaps because the watch a lot
% of educational television, are too smart to fall for this.
Homer: I'd like to withdraw ten thousand dollars, please. [hands
teller a slip of paper and winks]
Teller: [reading the paper] "You are on television, please play
along." Are you robbing me?
Homer: [aside to teller] I'll pay you later.
Man: Um, is there a problem, Mr. Simpson?
Homer: Uh, why, no, everything is just --
[grabs a pen and tries to stab the PBS man in the chest.
The pen is chained to the desk, and the chain is too short
to reach its target. Homer finally breaks down]
Oh, I can't do it, I can't kill a man!
[regains his composure, and tries stabbing the man in the
groin]
-- "Missionary: Impossible"
% Betty White finally gets Homer to confess that he doesn't have the
% money. Then, she sics the hooligans from "Do Shut Up" on him.
% Homer flees from the bank, and what seems like the entire lineup of
% PBS gives chase.
It's a beautiful day to kick your ass!
-- Fred Rogers, showing his darker side, "Missionary: Impossible"
% Yo Yo Ma, the cellist, uses his instrument to bows at Homer. The
% Teletubbies use their antennae to zap Homer with powerful laser
% beams. Homer tries to evade them by running down an alley.
% Suddenly, Big Bird swoops down from the sky. Looking for a way out,
% Homer spots the First Church of Springfield. He runs in and bars
% the door with a collection basket, claiming sanctuary all the while.
% Reverend Lovejoy regrets teaching Homer what the word "sanctuary"
% means.
%
% The PBS crowd closes in. A garbage can sails through one of the
% stained-glass windows. Oscar the Grouch and Elmo the Overhyped Toy
% pop out and demand the money. Homer promises Lovejoy he'll do
% anything, and the two men make their escape. Outside the church,
% Lovejoy's car is surrounded by the angry mob. "Nothing to see here,
% people," he assures them, "just heading down to the dump with these
% children's letters to God." He pats a letter bag, in which Homer is
% hiding.
%
% The mob is fooled, and lets Lovejoy pass. Next, he puts Homer on
% board a cargo plane.
Lovejoy: We'll send you someplace safe 'til the heat dies
down.
Homer: Great, but why am I on a plane?
Lovejoy: Homer, how would you like to be a missionary in the
South Pacific?
Homer: South Pacific? I didn't agree to --
[Lovejoy shuts the door on him, and taxis down the
runway. Homer gets out of his seat and runs to the
cockpit]
Wait, I'm no missionary! I don't even believe in
Jebus! Let me out.
Pilot: Sorry, no can do.
[Homer runs to the door and pounds on it. Cut to a
shot outside one of the door window]
Homer: Oh, save me Jebus!
[the plane flies off into the sunset]
-- "Missionary: Impossible"
% [End of Act One. Time: 6:57]
%
% Back in Springfield, Lovejoy enjoys some of Mrs. Simpson's pie.
% After some time, he finally gets around to breaking the news that
% her husband is twelve thousand miles away, in Microatia. He gives
% the family a ham radio, on which we can hear Homer desperately
% calling for Jebus.
%
% Once Homer gets to the island, things don't look so bad. A colorful
% butterfly even alights on his arm. Then it suddenly curls up its
% wings and burrows into Homer's arm. The little bulge of the bug
% under Homer's skin allows him to trace its route through his body,
% until it arrives at his brain. (Where, at least, it can't do much
% damage.)
%
% The islands outgoing missionaries are a young couple dressed in a
% "Banana Republic" kind of way.
Craig: Welcome aboard, brother! You must be Homer. I'm Craig
[indicates] that's Amy. Well, see ya! [get on board the
plane]
Homer: You're leaving? Wait! What do I do here?
Amy: First of all, forget everything you learned in missionary
school.
Homer: [pause] Done.
Craig: We taught them some English and ridiculed away most of
their beliefs.
Amy: So, you can take it from there. 'Bye!
Craig: Don't let the bedbugs bite! [closes plane door]
[opens the door] Seriously. [closes plane door]
-- Welcome wagon, "Missionary: Impossible"
% The plane takes off, leaving Homer to introduce himself to the
% natives.
Homer: Me Homer. Me hiding from PBS.
Q'Toktok: I am Q'Toktok, and this is Ak. [Ak kisses Homer's
hand]
Ak: Welcome Reverend Homer. We look forward to learning
about the Bible from you.
Homer: [reaches into a trunk and retrieves two bibles. He
hands these to Q'Toktok and Ak] Here you go. Knock
yourself out.
Q'Toktok: We cannot read.
Homer: Oh, does the word "jet lag" mean anything to you
people? [slowly] Jet ... lag?
-- "Missionary: Impossible"
% Later, Q'Toktok, Ak, and Homer stroll around the island. Homer is
% drinking from a fuzzy brown object with a straw in it.
Q'Toktok: Are you enjoying your ox testicle?
Homer: Oh, yes -- very much so.
Q'Toktok: Really? You sure you wouldn't rather have a
coconut? [chuckles] They're delicious.
Homer: No, I'm good. [slurps happily. Q'Toktok and Ak
look at each other and shrug]
[Homer sees two attractive sarong-wearing women walk
by]
Hey, what happened to all the shirtless girls you
see in all the geographical magazines?
Q'Toktok: Craig and Amy gave us the gift of shame. All the
naked women are on that island. [points to a
distant island]
Ak: Yeah, anything goes over there. Bouncy, bouncy!
Homer: Aw.
[the ground shakes]
[startled] What was that?
Q'Toktok: Oh. We call that [makes gagging noise] ... sorry,
fishbone in my throat. [plucks bone out of his
mouth, and tosses it away] We call that,
"earthquake."
Homer: Great. Now my testicle's got ants on it.
[camera focuses on the ox testicle that Homer
dropped. The ants have indeed gotten to it]
-- "Missionary: Impossible"
% Homer meets Oovilu-Eeoo-Kitana-Wanjay, a little girl who looks (and
% sounds) like an Island version of Lisa. Homer bestows upon her a
% copy of the Bible, and the more manageable name of "Lisa, Jr." Then
% he asks Q'Toktok and Ak what the islanders do for fun. They answer
% with a list of Craig and Amy's civic projects. "Craig and Amy,
% Craig and Amy," says Homer, irritated. "Why don't you just marry
% Craig and Amy?" The two island leaders, in fact, regret missing
% their chance to do so.
Homer: Oh, how's the TV reception here? Excellent, or ...
Q'Toktok: [wondering] Tee ... vee?
Homer: You don't have TV? But what will I watch when I'm
sitting on the couch?
Ak: [slowly] Couch?
Homer: No couches either? Oh, man, I need a beer.
[Q'Toktok and Ak just stare at each other]
[Homer collapses to the ground]
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Natives: [imitating and collapsing like Homer] Oh, God! Oh,
God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
-- ... not a single luxury ... "Missionary: Impossible"
% As a substitute for beer, Homer tries licking the island's toads for
% their intoxicating effects. It takes a few false starts before
% Homer finds one that does the trick. "Homer, Homer ..." one of he
% animals appears to call to him, "hello, Homer. Is there anybody in
% there?" But the voice turns out to be Marge, calling on the ham
% radio.
Marge: Homer, are you all right?
Homer: I guess so, but that first month was pretty rough.
Marge: You've only been gone two days.
Homer: Really? Without TV, it's hard to know when one day begins
and the other ends.
Bart: I miss you, Dad. Mom won't let me read "Hagar the
Horrible."
Marge: I just don't think it's funny.
Homer: Hmm, I can see the house is falling apart without me, so
here's the new order: Bart, you're the man of the house.
Lisa, I'm promoting you to boy. Maggie's now the brainy
girl. The toaster can fill in for Maggie. And Marge,
you're a consultant.
Marge: [disappointed] Ohh ...
Lisa: Dad?
Homer: Yes, boy?
Lisa: I just want to tell you how proud I am that you're showing
an interest in your fellow man.
Homer: Really? You're proud of me?
Marge: Oh, yes. The whole town thinks you're a real
humanitarian. Ned Flanders is green with envy.
Homer: Oh, really? Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got some
civilization to spread like butter on the English muffin
that is these people, with all their little nooks and
crannies ...
Bart: Dad, are you licking toads?
Homer: I'm not *not* licking toads. Well, it's time to get to
work. Humanitarian Homer Simpson, over and out.
[walks off. Comes back and has one more toad-lick for the
road, then walks off again]
-- Birth of a philanthropist, "Missionary: Impossible"
% Homer tries to spread God's word by reading from the book of "Puh-
% salms," and tries to answer the islanders' to questions about
% religion.
Lisa, Jr.: Amy said that there are lots of religions. Which is
the right one?
Homer: Well, not the Unitarians. If that's the one true
faith, I'll eat my hat.
Ak: If the Lord is all-powerful, why does He care
whether we worship Him or not? Ak just saying.
Homer: Well, Ak, it's because God is powerful, but also
insecure, like Barbara Streisand before James
Brolin. Oh, he's been a rock.
-- The Gospel according to Homer, "Missionary: Impossible"
% Homer soon realizes he's in over his head, and confesses that he's
% not really a missionary. He tells the islanders that what they need
% is something with a little razzle-dazzle.
%
% The natives and Homer begin an elaborate project. Homer tries using
% a pelican as a living cement mixer, as on "The Flintstones," but
% that trick doesn't work in Microatia.
%
% Meanwhile, Bart settles into his now position as man of the house.
% He pulls into work on is skateboard, sits at Homer's workstation
% (replacing Marge's photo with one of Krusty) and starts the day's
% work. Before he can get going, though, Mr. Burns storms into the
% room.
Burns: Simpson!
Bart: Aah!
Burns: I've just reviewed your ten-year performance record, and
it's appalling.
Bart: But I'm not Homer Simpson.
Burns: I think I know who Homer Simpson is. [leafing through a
thick report] In ten short years, you've caused seventeen
meltdowns. One is too many!
Bart: Yeah, but ...
Burns: You sold weapons-grade plutonium to the Iraqis -- with no
markup!
Bart: I ...
Burns: And worst of all, you took the Hamburgler's birthday off
last Monday *and* Wednesday. [throws down report] Which
is it? Now my voice is giving out, so I'm just going to
poke you for the next hour or so. [repeatedly pokes Bart
with a long stick. Bart groans resignedly]
-- Man of the house isn't such a hot position after all, "Missionary:
Impossible"
% At last, Homer's project is complete. It's something that has
% revitalized cities back home, and Homer is confident that it can do
% the same here. It's ... the Lucky Savage, Microatia's new casino,
% featuring Island versions of blackjack, craps, Texas Hold 'Em, and
% roulette. (Betting on roulette is extra-challenging here, since the
% "ball" can walk under its own power to any number.) For
% refreshments, there's a bar that serves a mixture of Dristan and
% holy water.
So have fun, everybody! And who knows, maybe you'll hit the jackpot,
get off this island, and spend the rest of your days in a tropical
paradise.
-- Homer Simpson, "Missionary: Impossible"
% The islanders immediately begin gaming. When Marge hears the news,
% she's impressed, and Homer says he knows how casino entrepreneur Bob
% Stupak feels. The feeling doesn't last long, however. The next
% day, Homer arrives at the casino to see that the place is trashed,
% and that a massive fight has broken out. Ak, drunk, accosts Homer.
How can ace be one and eleven? Huh? What kind of God would allow
that?
-- Ak, "Missionary: Impossible"
% Ak takes a swing at Homer, but doesn't come close to connecting. In
% fact, Ak's own momentum carries him to the floor.
%
% [End of Act Two. Time: 16:52]
%
% Homer is horrified at what he has wrought.
Homer: Oh, what happened? I gave you a glittering Vegas,
and you turned it into a skanky Atlantic City.
Q'Toktok: Your alcohol and inexpensive buffets have corrupted
us. I don't even like macaroni salad, but look at
me. [gorges, face first, from a macaroni salad
buffet]
Lisa, Jr.: Please help us. Our island has not been this
damaged since the A-bomb tests.
-- "Missionary: Impossible"
% Bart's having difficulties of his own. He comes home and wearily
% sorts through the day's mail.
Marge: Guess who I just saw at the supermarket today.
Bart: Can it wait? I just got off work.
Marge: Sorry, honey, I just thought ...
Bart: Don't you do enough yapping at the beauty parlor?
Marge: That's it, Bart. You're taking this "man of the house"
thing too far.
Bart: You're right, I'm sorry. Tell you what, Saturday night
we'll go out for steaks, just you and me.
Marge: Hmm. A night out is a night out.
-- Bart: Little Big Man, "Missionary: Impossible"
% Homer tries to repent for his sins by finishing the chapel Craig and
% Amy started. In their own tongue, the islanders comment on Homer's
% lifting technique.
Ak: Why are you building chapel?
Homer: Because you're all terrible sinners.
Q'Toktok: Since when?
Homer: Since I got here. Now either grab a stone or go to
Hell.
-- "Missionary: Impossible"
% The islanders, eager to avoid an eternity of hellfire and brimstone,
% pitch in to help. Soon, the chapel is finished.
Well, I may not know much about God, but I have to say we built a
pretty nice cage for Him.
--Homer Simpson, "Missionary: Impossible"
% Lisa Jr. presents Homer with a bouquet of flowers on behalf of the
% island's children, and assures him that she's in a gambling
% addiction program. Meanwhile, Q'Toktok wonders how often he has to
% attend church to avoid Hell. He isn't happy to learn it's an every-
% Sunday thing.
%
% The chapel's iron bell tolls, calling the faithful. Homer tells
% Lisa Jr., who is doing the ringing, that since God is "way up on the
% Moon," they'll have to ring louder. Grabbing hold of the bell-rope,
% Homer pulls with all his might and proclaims that he's doing the
% Lord's work.
%
% Then did God smite the island and all who dwell within. The ringing
% of the bell starts an avalanche, which sets the ground to shaking.
% Suddenly, the earth cleaves in two and lava flows across the island.
% The chapel stands briefly on an island of its own, in the middle of
% the river of lava, but soon the building starts to sink. The bell
% tower leans precariously, and then crashes toward the fiery river.
% "Oh no!" yells Homer, stating the obvious: "This looks like the
% end."
%
% Before Homer and Lisa Jr. can meet Jebus personally, Betty White's
% calm image brushes them aside.
White: [chuckling] Oh, that Homer, always getting into
trouble. And if you're one of the millions who
enjoys his adventures, or should I say *mis*-
adventures, it's time to show your support.
Man: [walks in front of a dais, at which are seated
characters from other "Fox" series, along with
Rupert Murdoch]
Sure, Fox makes a fortune from advertising but it's
still not enough.
Murdoch: Not nearly enough!
White: [walks to a TV showing the title card from "Family
Guy"]
So, if you don't want to see crude, low-brow
programming disappear from the airwaves, [turns TV
off] please, call now.
[Murdoch's phone rings]
Murdoch: Hello, Murdoch here. [takes a sip from his drink,
then spits it out in surprise] Ten thousand dollars!
You've saved my network!
[cut to Bart, on the phone at home]
Bart: Wouldn't be the first time. [smiles at the camera]
-- "Missionary: Impossible"
% [End of Act Three. Time: 20:09]
%
% Normal closing credits. The Gracie logo sound is Homer saying,
% "Save me, Jebus!"
==============================================================================
> Contributors
==============================================================================
{bjr} Benjamin Robinson
{cg} Curtis Gibby
{ddg} Don Del Grande
{dj} Darrel Jones
{dld} Daniel L. Dreibelbis
{hmw} Hari Wierny
{jc} Jeff Cross
{jg} Jeremy Gallen
{jk} Joe Klemm
{jp} John Plasket
{nd} Nathan DeHoff
{reg} Richard E. Green
{sb} Sam Bell
{sm} Seth Miller
{tm} Troy Matthews
==============================================================================
> Legal Mumbo Jumbo
==============================================================================
This episode capsule is Copyright 2000 Benjamin Robinson. It is not to be
redistributed in a public forum without consent from its author or current
maintainer (capsules@simpsonsarchive.com). All quoted material and episode summaries
remain property of The Simpsons, Copyright of Twentieth Century Fox. All
other contributions remain the properties of their respective authors. The
Quote and Scene Summary itself is Copyright 2000 Benjamin Robinson. This
capsule is made possible by a generous grant from The Chubb Group, and by the
contributions of viewers like you.
This work is dedicated to Raymond Chen, James A. Cherry, Ricardo Lafaurie,
Frederic Briere, and all of those who made episode capsules what they are
today.